20 Movies: Conan The Barbarian

Stolen as a child, after his village is raided, Conan becomes a slave, a gladiator, a thief, and a warrior. With the beautiful and deadly Valeria and the archer Subotai at his side, he crosses the wild lands of the prehistoric Hyborian Age, searching for the man who killed his family and stole his father's sword. His quest finally leads him to the temple of a snake cult, its worshippers held firmly under the sway of the man known as Thulsa Doom.

After a few weeks off for the holidays, and the end of America as we know it, I'm back to posting about my 20 most influential movies. 

Conan the Barbarian is a great movie. It's one of my all-time favorites. But if I’m being honest here, this particular entry into my list of 20 most influential movies is really more about Arnold Schwarzenegger movies in general.

The undisputed king of action films, this cigar-chomping, muscle-bound Austrian weirdo was a ubiquitous presence throughout my childhood. Long a dominating force in Hollywood, from 1982 to 1994 alone, Arnold Schwarzenegger put out 15 movies. All bangers. Both Conan films, both Terminator films, Commando, True Lies, Predator, Running Man, Twins, Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop. Amongst others. Iconic cinema.

I was there for every single one.

So, yeah, this spot could have just as easily have gone to Terminator. Or Predator. Sure. But I’ve actually got something coming down the pipe for both of those films, and also, Conan the Barbarian is the film that first earned Arnold Schwarzenegger his worldwide mainstream recognition. This is the one that led to all the others. So, it’s really the only choice.

Besides, the call of this film, with its sweet-ass sword and sorcery side-of-the-van airbrush aesthetic is just too powerful to ignore. There simply isn't another Schwarzenegger film more deserving to hold the twelfth spot on my list of twenty most influential movies than Conan The Barbarian.

Conan the Barbarian, sometimes known as Conan the Cimmerian, is a pulp era sword and sorcery hero created by writer Robert E. Howard. First appearing in 1931-32, in the short story “The People of the Dark,” Conan went on to appear in a series of twenty-one fantasy stories by Howard before his death in 1936, most of which were published in Weird Tales magazine. The character has since been adapted for a myriad of books, comics, films, TV, and video games. You may recognize him from the character-defining work of artist Frank Frazetta.

Because of Conan, Robert E. Howard is known as the father of The Sword and Sorcery genre. A Texas boy, born and raised, he was by all accounts a bookish young man, born with a photographic memory, a hatred of bullies, and a healthy love for violence, who grew up to be a bodybuilder and a boxer.

He was also a racist and an antisemite.

Some people try to downplay and dismiss this part of Howard as it just being a "byproduct of the time." They will point out how common those beliefs once were as way of an excuse. People simply didn't know better, they'll say. And that's not entirely untrue. What is untrue, however, is the idea that those beliefs were once uncommon, implying that they're now no longer common, that they're a thing of the past... That is untrue. Unfortunately, another thing that is very common these days is white America downplaying racism.

See, the problem here is that Howard was a good friend, a regular pen pal, of that well-known rabid racist and antisemitic asshole, H.P. Lovecraft, enough so that the pair even linked their stories' mythos on occasion. This exposes the whole effort to lean on the idea that Howard himself was just a "casual" racist from an ignorant time to be nothing but some deliberately obtuse rose-colored-glasses nuance from a group of people who just wish it to be true. This is most likely the same group of people who wish a similar thing about their own friends and family members these days, because much like those assholes, Lovecraft was a huge bigot. The subject came up somewhat regularly in his writing, let's just say. So, being as Howard was a regular pen pal of the guy, well... it's fair to assume that he must not have had much issue with the topic.

Either way, the simple truth here is, whether you yourself are a bigot, or just a friend of one, it’s a binary thing... you’re either a piece of shit bigot too, or you aren't friends with that person. Unfortunately, Howard was the former.

Welcome to America, I guess.

Same as it ever was.

But while I usually don’t advocate for separating the Art from the Artist, as it’s usually only used as an excuse to continue buying the things you like, even though you are fully aware that doing so means directly supporting a piece of shit bigot–much like how people are still supporting J.K. Rowling, a frothing-at-the-mouth transphobe bigot, simply because they just can’t let go of Harry Potter–I don't believe that particular worry applies here.

Robert E. Howard has been dead for almost 90 years now. He died by his own hand at the age of 30 in 1936, so any money to one of the myriad Conan projects is not supporting him at all, because that shitty old bigot is just moldering bones in a forgotten graveyard somewhere in the middle of Texas, so fuck him.

Anyway, this is just me giving you a head’s up. Your mileage may vary on the whole thing. That's fine. You do you and live with the consequences. But me personally? I feel fine loving this movie.

So...

Conan is a Cimmerian.

A brutal, war-like people, they are the descendants of the Atlanteans, and the ancestors of the modern Gaels, who worship the grim and unforgiving mountain god known as Crom.

The son of a blacksmith, Conan was born on the battlefield. Bronze-skinned and dark-haired (often worn with square cut bangs, a very bold choice from a very bold man), he has blue eyes said to be “sullen,” or “smoldering,” or perhaps “volcanic.” He is a tall man, broad of chest, and with shoulders that are broader still, as well as a massively corded neck and heavily muscled limbs. They say that he moves like a panther, striking quick and lethal, for while there are a few who are said to be taller, no man is said to be stronger, or as good with the steel.

While often portrayed in the typically expected barbarian gear of a horned helm and a fur loin cloth, in the stories, Conan is more a wanderer and a scavenger, with naught but what he carries with him, kind of like Jack Reacher, so he usually wears whatever garb is typical for the kingdom and culture that he finds himself in. But whether it be musty furs or brightly colored silks, every dark and scarred piece of him announces him as a warrior to be reckoned with.

As a young man, Conan scaled the walls of Venarium. And as he watched the great Aquilonian fortress burn, a fire was struck within him, a wanderlust that could not be extinguished. So began his adventures. Roaming the width and breadth of the wild lands of the Hyborian Age, he has been a thief, an outlaw, a gladiator, a mercenary, a pirate, a general, and a king, encountering many strange beasts, evil wizards, hardened warriors, lusty tavern wenches, and beautiful princesses along the way. He has seen creatures from beyond the Dark, things that would consume a man’s very soul, and he has battered them back.

His life is a continual fight.

As he grew older, Conan led great armies in conquest, growing in power and wealth, until finally, he became king by his own hand, seizing the crown of King Numedides III, the tyrannical ruler of Aquilonia.

Chivalrous, honorable, and fiercely loyal, Conan not only possesses great strength and stamina, but great humor too. And despite his brutish appearance, he is clever, quick-witted, and intelligent, again... like Jack Reacher. Due to his long years of wandering, he possesses the knowledge of many things, forgotten histories, dead languages, ancient writings, and secret signs. A veteran of many battles, he is a highly skilled warrior, with a vast array of experience as a thief, a strategist, and a taction. And while he is a gifted leader, Conan chafes under authority, and he will not hesitate to kill, often with a grim smile. While this is usually done for heroic reasons, it’s just as often done in the service of his own interests and for his own personal gain.

This shouldn’t be surprising… After all, he is a barbarian.

Conan’s adventures are set in what’s known as the “Hyborean Age.”

The Hyborean Age famously exists "Between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas.” This is where Conan the Barbarian has his myriad heroic adventures, all of them filled with common fantasy elements, everything from giant snakes to dinosaurs, to demons and monsters, and princesses and wizards.

The Sons of Aryas is a reference to “Aryans,” which is basically saying the rise of the Northern European Viking Age. It’s weird to me that Howard didn’t use Rome instead, which seems like it'd an all-around better touchstone, as well as a more natural book-end to sit opposite of Atlantis, a time of magic and myth and wonder, whereas Rome could be seen as the historical gateway to what would eventually become the modern era of science and reason. But y’know… Howard was a racist white guy from Texas in the 1930s who mostly utilized the poorly-stocked rural libraries of the area for his research and inspiration, so what’re ya’ gonna do?

Honestly, The Hyborian Age is a fantastic and creative invention. It’s not only filled with strange wonders and terrible horrors, but also with cities and cultures that are just enough of an allusion to recognizable history, that it could almost be believed to be the actual predecessors to our own world.

If not for the literal monsters and evil wizards, of course.

Conan the Barbarian the movie is a 1982 epic sword-and-sorcery film directed by John Milius and written by Milius and Oliver Stone. Very much based on the work of Robert E. Howard, the film stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Earl Jones, and tells the story of a barbarian named Conan who seeks vengeance for the death of his parents at the hands of Thulsa Doom, the leader of a snake cult.

It opens with that incredible score by Basil and Zoë Poledouris, like the crackling of a fire, calling for quiet, as we gather ‘round, and then Mako's instantly recognizable voice as the Wizard–the role that most likely directly led to him later becoming not just Aku the Demon in Samurai Jack, and Uncle Iroh, the Dragon of the West, in Avatar: The Last Bender, amongst so many others–says...

Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis... And the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of... And unto this, Conan, destined to bear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow. It is I, his chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his tale! Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!

The drums pound, like the sound of armies on the march, like cavalry charging hard across the open steppes, sounding the horns of war and lowering their spears, all of it swelling with romance and adventure, as a sword is forged by a blacksmith, who then passes his knowledge down to his young son, telling him of the "Riddle of Steel." These are the Cimmerians, and soon enough, they are massacred by a band of raiders led by the bandit and reaver known as Thulsa Doom.

Thulsa Doom kills Conan's father, takes his father's sword, and then decapitates Conan's mother, but only after ensorcelling her with his entrancing gaze.

Conan and the other children of the village are sold into slavery, chained to push a large mill wheel called somewhat ominously and grandiosely as The Wheel of Pain, not to be confused with The Wheel of Fortune, obviously.

Only Conan survives into adulthood, and eventually, he is the only one left who is pushing the huge wheel. His steps have worn a rut into the earth as he becomes a massive, muscular man. He is such an impressive specimen, he is sold yet again, to become a gladiator. Here, he receives education in reading and writing, and from the War Masters in the far East, he learns to fight, all while also being bred with the best slave stock available. He is a prized possession.

Many die by his hand in the ring.

Here, we learn what is best in life...

Crush your enemies! See them driven before you! And to hear the lamentations of their women.

But eventually, seeing that a man like Conan will only wither and die in his chains, one drunken night, his master frees him.

Chased across the steppes by wild dogs, Conan finds refuge in the tomb of an ancient Atlantean king. Taking the king's sword, seizing his destiny, Conan makes quick work of the dogs, and thus, strides out into the wide and wild world, clothed in the skins of his enemies, and carrying with him the legacy of his ancestors.

After first having sex with a forest witch in her hut, and then killing her, Conan frees Subotai from his bondage. A Hyrkanian thief and archer, Subotai becomes Conan's guide to the world, his loyal friend, and his partner in crime.

Chasing the trail of Thulsa Doom, no longer a nomadic bandit-chief, and now the leader of a Snake Cult dedicated to the worship of the God Set, they meet Valeria in the city of Zamora. Valeria is a beautiful thief and warrior who just so happens to be robbing the Tower of Serpents on the same night as Subotai and Conan. They steal jewels and other valuables, kill some guards, and slay a giant snake.

After escaping with their loot, and suddenly finding themselves to be very, very rich, the trio celebrates... a lot...

Maybe too much.

Then they're arrested.

The Zamoran city guards bring them to King Osric. He is an aged adventurer who now sits a throne, known as the Usurper. Doom has seduced Osric's daughter, the Princess Yasmina, and has turned her into a zealot in his Snake cult as punishment for their tower having been robbed in the city Osric rules. But Osric is no friend of the Snakes, and he rails angrily over the cult's audacity, their impertenance. What daring! What outrageousness! What insolence! What arrogance! He admits to his admiration of Conan and the others for their daring to spit in the cult's face, and then he makes them an offer. Steal back his daughter and he will make them rich beyond their wildest dreams.

"There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father's love for his child."

Subotai and Valeria want to take their loot and Osric's money and run. Valeria pleads with Conan to give it all up, to run away with her, to live, to be happy. But all Conan wants Doom, he wants revenge, so he sets off alone, journeying east to the lands of Hyboria. That is where the Great Temple of the Cult of Set lies, carved into the heart of the Mountain of Power, the home of Thulsa Doom, and the center of his cult. Disguised as a priest, Conan mixes with the gathered throngs, but he is easily discovered, captured, and tortured. Conan spits his rage and his vengence at Doom, but the man barely even remembers the moment that forged Conan's soul.

“Ah. It must have been when I was younger. There was a time, boy, when I searched for steel, when steel meant more to me than gold or jewels.”

For his transgressions, Doom orders Conan to be crucified on the Tree of Woe.

Conan is on the verge of death, despite eating a buzzard who wandered too close raw, when he is finally rescued by Subotai. Subotai brings him to the Wizard of the Mounds, who lives on an ancient burial site for warriors and kings. His name is Akiro. He is the same man who was the voice of The Chronicler we heard at the beginning of the film.

The wizard summons spirits to heal Conan, but he warns that these spirits will "extract a heavy toll."

Because of her great love for him, Valeria is willing to pay this toll. When these spirits try to abduct Conan, Valeria and Subotai fend them off, and finally, Conan is restored to health. Upon seeing that he will not put his vengence aside, Subotai and Valeria agree to help him complete King Osric's quest, infiltrate the Temple of Set, rescue the princess...

And kill the evil that is Thulsa Doom.

Arriving under the cover of darkness, in the coolest camoflague ever, right as the cult is busy having a cannibalistic orgy, so... basically, it's a regular Tuesday in the Mountain of Power... the trio attack. They kick some ass. They light some stuff on fire. They spill the huge cauldron of Pea and Hand Soup everywhere. And then they flee with the princess.

But Conan is denied his vengeance.

He is unable to kill Doom, who apparently realized that an orgy was about to happen, so he magically transformed into a large snake and quickly and quietly slipped out the back without letting anyone else known, a move known as the Hyborian Goodbye.

But their victory turns to ash as Valeria is mortally wounded by Thulsa Doom during their escape, after he turned a snake into an arrow, and then fired it after their horses. She dies in Conan's arms, telling him that this was the price for his life that the Wizard had warned her about, and she had paid it gladly. Honestly, this seems like a pretty shitty thing to lay on a person right before you die in their arms of a poison snake/arrow.

Conan stoically cremates Valeria at the Mounds, laying her to rest amongst the graves of forgotten kings and warriors of long lost legend, and Subotai cries for him, because Conan is Cimmerian, so he doesn’t cry, as tears can cause redness and slight inflammation to the face. Then with Subotai and the Wizard, Conan prepares the Mounds to battle Thulsa Doom, strategically setting up weapons and laying traps, and tying Princess Yasmina up as bait to draw their enemies into the tight confines between the stone cairns. As Doom and his men close in, their horses kicking up dust, Conan prays...

"Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!"

The fight is fierce. Revenge is taken on Doom's men. Even the Wizard gets one with his spear. Conan shatters the stolen sword of his father with the sword of the ancient Atlantean King at one moment, and the gleaming silver Valkyrie of Valeria appears and saves Conan from a death blow in another. At the last, Subotai saves Yasmina from a snake arrow, fired from a bitter Thulsa Doom just before he runs.

But Conan is still not satisfied, his business with Thulsa Doom is not finished.

Conan confronts Doom at the top of his temple, as the man addresses his cult far below. Doom attempts to mesmerize Conan, to ensorcell him with his soft eyes and pleasant voice, but Conan uses his father's broken sword to behead him, as hDoom himself had done long ago to Conan's mother. Conan throws Doom's head from the top of the temple, and it thunks and bounces all the long way down the stone steps to his horrified cultists. Doom's spell now broken, the cultists slowly drift away. Conan burns down the temple, leaving a mighty pillar of fire in his wake, as he leaves to return the wayward daughter of King Osric to her home.

Afterwards, having no further concern, he and his companions seek adventure in the West, and one day, Conan eventually becomes a king by his own hand.

Much like Casablanca, Conan the Barbarian is a film that a lot of people who have never seen it will dismiss out of hand, but as always when it comes to dipshits speaking in ignorance, they’re wrong. These people assume it’s just a silly muscle-bound, loin cloth and titties, sword and sorcery film. And to be fair, it kind of is. But there is much more going on with this film. Much more. Plus, it looks amazing. The designs are fantastic. The score is incredible.

It's just a straight-up great film, people.

Because best of all, Conan the Barbarian is a film of surprising depth, telling a story of how hollow a life lived strictly for revenge truly is, all while being wrapped in a tale of classic adventure. The thing I like best about this is at no point does the film turn to the camera and very slowly, and in a clear voice, explain this fact to the audience. It’s subtle. In fact, there are maybe only two shots towards the end that truly attempt to convey this idea. I love how the film seemingly doesn’t care if you realize this or not. You’re simply expected to watch the film and pay attention. You have to engage with the art on its terms, and then think about it on your own, and consider shit. Now, will it hurt your enjoyment if you miss all of this? No, because it's otherwise a fun, well-made, and good-looking movie, but if you actually watch it, then you'll be rewarded.

That kind of storytelling is refreshing.

Conan and Thulsa Doom are twisted reflections of one another, two men whose whole lives have done nothing but hurt the other again and again. Thulsa Doom appears from nowhere and completely destroys Conan’s life, massacring his village and murdering his parents. In return, years later, Conan reappears and not only robs Doom of his valuables and desecrates his temple, but he also kills Doom’s pet giant snake too. Doom crucifies Conan for this. Conan survives, and immediately insults Doom by once again stealing from him and killing more of his people. So Doom kills Valeria, one of Conan’s only friends, not to mention his one true love. Conan then kills Doom’s chief lieutenants, men that Doom had known for years, and finally kills Thulsa Doom himself, utterly destroying Doom’s life work in the process. Full circle. The debt is paid.

But in the end, Conan is left empty, and sitting alone on the temple steps. All he can do is walk off into the darkness, doomed to a troubled and unsatisfying life, as the focal point of his entire existence burns to ash behind him.

This all ties into the Riddle of Steel.

As his father tells him:

“Fire and wind come from the sky, from the gods of the sky. But Crom is your god. Crom. And he lives in the earth. Once, giants lived in the Earth, Conan. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Crom, and they took from him the enigma of steel. Crom was angered. And the Earth shook. Fire and wind struck down these giants, and they threw their bodies into the waters, but in their rage, the gods forgot the secret of steel and left it on the battlefield. We who found it are just men. Not gods. Not giants. Just men. The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conan. You must learn its discipline.”

For Conan's father the answer seems simple. He tells his son that he can’t trust anyone, man, woman, or beast, but that he can trust steel. But what does that even mean? I suppose in a literal sense, he could mean that the sword he made himself is something that he can trust. But more likely, he’s probably saying that if Conan wants to survive, he must learn to fight, he must learn to kill, because the world is a cruel place, and that steel is the key to that power. So, when Thulsa Doom shows up in his awesome armor and kick ass helmet, kills Conan's father, takes his sword, and gives it to his buddy, the one with the incredible mustache, taking his father's power, Conan’s entire life becomes a single-minded quest to recover the one thing his father told him that he could trust, the answer to the Riddle of Steel. Finding the answer to the Riddle of Steel is why he survives, it's why he does everything.

But later, Doom rejects the whole idea that steel is the key. Doom believes that steel is ultimately nothing, that it's flesh, that it’s humanity, the masses, where true power lies, and that the person who then masters people has real power. “What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?” Doom asks him, clearly reveling in that very source of power at that very moment, as he orders his men to crucify Conan.

But in the end, it’s when Conan asks Crom to grant him his revenge, but then he adds that if Crom won't do this for him, then he can fuck off too, because it's gonna happen either way, that the true answer to the Riddle of Steel is revealed.

It’s all about Will.

Will. Heart. Inner strength. Whatever you want to call it. Without Will, steel breaks. With Will, steel can create entire worlds, or destroy them. The Riddle of Steel is “What are you willing to do with it?” And thus, Conan the Barbarian is revealed to be a tragedy, as in the end, Conan had the will to destroy, to shatter himself, but he did not have the Inner Strength to walk away, to pick up the broken pieces and reforge himself into something better. This is why he was destined to "wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow..."

There's always a lot of high thigh in these kinds of films.

A lot.

While Conan is definitely providing a lot of that high thigh, he's got nothing on Valeria. People will try to point to Valeria as being the film’s feminist message, but it’s pretty much a failure on that front. Yes, she can fight on her own, just as good as the boys too, but that’s a false equality. Sure, it’s true, as far as most sword and sorcery films of the 80s go, Conan is much much much less generally misogynistic and rapey than your average fare, but Valeria’s only moment of agency comes when she sacrifices herself to save Conan’s life. Why? Because like Tammy said, sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, especially during the Hyborian Age.

It’s especially true when you realize that she is only really there to tie into the Riddle of Steel. Mainly, her function is be the truth to all that which came before, whether it was the Slavers, King Osric, or Thulsa Doom, who told Conan that all of the things he was chasing, money, power, revenge, they were hollow things. It is only too late that Conan realizes that the one thing that truly matters, his heart, his love, has been lost to him forever.

The Riddle of Steel is that it cuts deep, and both ways.

Playing with the expected Nietzschean philosophy bullshit, as well as the classic, basically omnipresent Joseph Campbell Hero’s Journey stuff, not to mention a ton of death and rebirth, as well as what some might consider to be basic Christian iconography (but they are wrong, because like the rest of the movie, the Tree of Woe crucifixion is actually more a celebration of paganism, and more a reflection of Odin being nailed to Yggdrasil or Prometheus chained to the mountainside in the Caucasus, than it is a nod to the crucifixion of Christ), Conan is a triumph of cinema. This is a film that was made with passion and vision and pure talent, and every bit of it shows this.

As silly as it is, there's a reason why Conan the Barbarian led to Arnold Schwarzenegger being the undisputed (and still reigning) king of Hollywood Action Cinema. There's a reason why this film spawned a seemingly endless litany of cheap sword and sorcery copies throughout the 80s. Sure, it's fair to say that there are some things in the film that haven't aged as well as others, but there’s not as many as you’d expect given, y’know… (gestures around at the world), so that’s always nice to find too.

It's just a great movie. Period.

Although, just as a head's up, the "sex" scene with the witch goes on much longer, and much much more loudly, than you remember, just in case you're watching this with your kid. I mean, that witch is really into it…

Then Conan throws her into the fire.

Good times.