Black Adam

In the ancient desert nation of Kahndaq, a young boy named Teth Adam, starving and in chains, is chosen to be the champion of his people. The Wizard Shazam gifts him with the stamina of Shu, the swiftness of Horus, the strength of Amon, the wisdom of Zehuti, the power of Aton, and the courage of Meheen. These powers come in bolt of lightning, and all he has to do is say his magic word… But such power proved to be too tempting, and Black Adam ruled as an angry and venegful God, until finally, the old Wizard imprisoned him. 5,000 years later, Black Adam is freed from his mystical cell, and his need for vengeance burns even brighter than the sun in the deep desert.

So, is Black Adam a bad movie?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Absolutely. 100%. The Rock is an absolute rock in this film, not steady and reliable, but a literal rock. Just a slab of granite floating in the weirdly lit CGI, saying dumb stuff, and like, zipping around in slow motion and beating up army guys, all while explosions happen in the background to the sound of wailing guitars.

That’s like… 80% of the movie.

There’s soooo much slow motion here, people. So much. Then, they slam on the breaks to explain stuff, just grinding things to a halt, completely wrecking the film’s pacing, and that happens so often too. Then there’s the opening info dump? Wow. This film should’ve started out with a narrator heaving a huge sigh and going: “Okay, so… apologies in advance, but there’s a whole lotta nonsense you gotta get caught up on before we get started, so y’know… get comfortable.” It’s a lot. A lot of jibber-jabber. There’s so much gobbledygook nonsense that is only kind of important a little bit, and it’s all told in the most awkward and confusing way possible. Meanwhile, besides all the superpowered shenanigans going on, there’s these human side characters, modern day citizens of Khandaq (the DC comic book universe’s stand-in for an Egypt/Iran feeling country), who are supposed to remind Black Adam of his roots to his ancient home, that he is the protector of Khandaq, but mostly they seem like afterthoughts, leftover pieces from one of the no doubt dozens and dozens of previously rewritten versions of this tattered and threadbare script.

It’s just straight up… badly done.

All of it.

Not that the film doesn’t have some upsides. I did love seeing Henry Winkler show up for a brief cameo as Al Pratt, the original Atom. Although… the oft-mentioned “hand-me-down” costume that the new Atom Smasher wears, while modern day comic book accurate, should’ve looked more like the original Atom’s suit, as it’s clearly referred to as a hand-me-down, for one, and two… the world needs that silliness depicted in live action, especially in the middle of this film’s otherwise clenched-jaw, gritty, nu-metal, “awesome, bro” aesthetic.

I also really loved that it was the JSA who appeared in this film, instead of the JLA. The Justice Society of America is the big supergroup of DC Comics that came before the Justice League of America (who you may know better as the Superfriends) and the team featured a lot more pulp-style heroes, which is fun.

The whole JSA appearance in this film was great, honestly. It was the only time the film actually felt fun and alive. Cyclone was a weird choice, sure, but she’s cool. Atom Smasher? Meh. Personally, I could take or leave the character, but he was fine. But Dr. Fate and Hawkman? They were so good. Just about perfect. I’d love to see more of them both moving forward with James Gunn’s WB/DC stuff.

Also, the whole “We don’t need passports, we’re the Justice Society” tone of this version of the JSA was fantastic. That cocky attitude of colonial fascist imperialism is pretty much a perfect encapsulation of what is an unavoidable general reality/problem when it comes to superheroes, especially the high-powered superteams, so it was nice to see that idea broached here, however briefly, especially for being in a movie that is otherwise as dumb as a… rock?

Eh? Eh? See what I did there?

Unfortunately, none of this stuff can save this otherwise terrible and pretty much unwatchable dipshit of a film. Black Adam is very obviously the Rock’s vanity project, one that he used a considerale of muscle to shove out onto the movie screen, and it shows the entire time.