Bullet Train

Ladybug (Brad Pitt) is an unlucky assassin who's determined to do his job peacefully after one too many gigs have gone off the rails. Fate, however, may have other plans, as his latest job has put him on a collision course with some of the most lethal killers from around the globe, each with a separate, but strangely connected, reason to be on the world's fastest train.

Proving that it’s possible to be all style and no substance, but without any actual style, Bullet Train dares to ask the question: “What if we remade Smoking Aces, but it was even more sick, bruh?”

This film is… a cacophony. A din.

It seems silly to say, “god damn, this was bad,” because I mean… look at it. Watch the trailer. It oozes stupid. Obviously this film was going to be bad, but also (and perhaps worst of all), it was fine. Cinematic water off a duck’s back. Unremarkable. Completely forgettable. Celluloid whatever.

In its wake, I’m only left to wonder… why are they still making these types of movies? Not gunkata films, obviously, I understand why they make those, at least, I’m more talking about these dollar store Guy Ritchie films… Why?

Do people really like them?

Or are we really just forever cursed with these bastard idiot children of Quentin Tarantino’s legacy, these poor little film school wannabe try-hards striving to out-Tarantino their beloved idol at his own game, and yet falling so very very far short every time, over and over, their once-assured destiny of eventually disappearing into the Valhalla-like stacks of the local video rental store foiled by the coming of that particular business model’s Ragnarok?

And how is that legacy still so strong that it is able to attract such a legitimately impressive cast? How?

I just… don’t understand.

Bullet Train is the cinematic equivalent of an obnoxious little loudmouth 8 year old kid as karma sends them tumbling ass over tea kettle down the stairs, with an armful of colorful action figures that they then spill everywhere, in a long, drawn-out clatter of cries, thuds, and thumps as they roll down the steps all the way to the bottom. Sure, it’s funny at times, but in the end, everyone just feels bad after having witnessed it.