Fast X

Dom Toretto and his fambly long ago put the pedal to the metal on the highway of life, outdriving every foe foolish enough to put up their pink slips. But now, fueled by high octane revenge, a new and gaudily-painted car is riding hard on their bumper, looking to pass Dom on the right, and to run him off the road… permanently.

And also to kill his kid.

Again.

The modern day “Cannonball Run, but for serious” franchise just keeps on truckin’, daring to ask the question… what exciting new movie magic trick will Vin Diesel use to make himself appear as tall or taller than his co-stars this time?

That’s right, kids, the penultimate installment of Car Show James Bond: Chronicle of the Dragon Jeans (sponsored by Axe Body Spray) has returned, determined to convince the world that 2 and 1/2 hours of loosely strung-together cold openings can technically still be considered to be a whole film.

They’re calling it FAST X, because it’s the 10th film in the long-running The Fast and The Furious series—instead of FasTEN Your Seatbelts, which I assume they didn’t do as nothing more than a personal fuck you to me—and this time, there’s even more fast cars, there’s even more shots where they follow bikini-girl butts through crowds, even more “fambly,” even more lines delivered through clenched jaw determination, there’s even more ice cold coronas, even more big crosses, and most importantly, there’s even more backyard bbqs, but this time… the bad guy hates bbqs.

Who hates bbqs?

God damn monsters, that’s who. I mean, hate potlucks, sure, but bbqs?

Pure evil.

Continuing the adventures of a former street-racing crew who once used suped-up Honda Civics and grappling guns to rob TVs from Semis while they were driving on the highway, the crew are now superhero super-spies in a plethora of high-end vehicles, using their acrobatic muscle car antics to keep the world safe from a seemingly never-ending series of relentless, remorseless, and often revenge-driven reprobates, who use their own acrobatic muscle car antics to be big meanies. Jason Mamoa is the latest ne’er-do-well to turn their villainous visage toward Dom and his found fambly of tank-topped cool dudes and tank-topped hot ladies, and if I’m being honest here, he is definitely the best one yet, as the most over-the-top heel in the whole series, which is really saying something. Top notch. Loved him.

But I can hear what you’re asking out there...

You’re asking… yeah, that’s great and all, Jon, but what about the rest of the film? You’re obviously enjoying yourself here, with your Mr. Funny Guy jokes, but get to the review. Is the new Fast and the Furious any good?

The answer, of course, is… Fuck no.

No. It’s terrible. Of course it’s terrible. Why would you even ask that? What’s wrong with you? Have you even seen one of these films before? The best one was Fast Five, and that is not a good movie at all. This one is even worse than usual, because it’s the first of a two-parter, so it wraps up literally nothing, and ends on maybe the dumbest cliffhanger ever. The only intriguing part to these films is pondering the question of just how the hell Vin Diesel was able to get such a self-indulgent vanity franchise in the first place, but no one wants to talk about that, because the unavoidable answer is that it happened because we let it happen. We’re responsible. We’re to blame.

And in that way… we’re fambly, and as we all know...

Okay, fine, pointing out that The Fast and The Furious films are dumb as shit seems kinda pointless, but still… god damn, was this film ever dumb.

So dumb.