Gladiator 2
“I never knew how bad it would stink.”
Many years after the death of Maximus, a new gladiator enters the Colosseum, bringing with him the strength and honor needed to return the glory of Rome to its people.
This is a terrible film. Just fucking terrible.
An overly expensive D-tier movie with zero redeeming artistic value, there are few films more deserving of a classic dump right into straight-to-video purgatory than Gladiator 2. This is story that not only did no one ask for, but didn’t need to be told either. Gladiator 2 is more than an incredibly bad, completely uninspired idea, it’s also an offensively blatant and ill-conceived money-grab, even by the standards of modern day IP/franchise obsessed Hollywood. I’m honestly curious as to who it was at Paramount that thought this piece of shit was worth financing. How could anyone honestly believe that this was a smart way to spend millions of dollars, let alone that there was an actual audience clamoring for it? Who was responsible for greenlighting this fucking thing, and do they still have a job? Because even with a global box office of $450 million, it still didn't make a profit, which is both a good thing, as failing to return on the investment might just mean that we will be spared from any more of this absolute garbage, but it's also a bad thing, because it was a hugely expensive film, and it almost did make money, proving that whoever it was that did greenlight this shit at Paramount wasn't really all that off-base. That's the worst part... there really were a ton of people out there who heard that this piece shit was on the way and just couldn't wait to see it in the theatre.
Good fucking lord. Why?
It’s just… so bad. In every way. So bad.
The whole point of a sequel is to just continue the story, and maybe provide a new perspective on the whole thing, to maybe add some insight to the original tale. In a nutshell... we weren't done, there's still more story to tell.
Gladiator 2 opts instead to blatantly repeat the story of the previous film, just in an uglier, dumber, and much less interesting way, with zero emotional impact, and all while also making the first film worse too. It does this by the clear fact that it only exists because it is a derivative cash-in on an already established IP.
Now, admittedly, I’m someone who didn’t even like the first film, and honestly, I can’t understand what others see it, so sure, take my opinion with a grain of salt. But also, maybe consider for a moment that, yeah, while I may have thought that Gladiator was a waste of time, I am somehow still shocked and stymied by the way this film comes along, and so boldly declares “hold my posca.”
The year is 200 B.C.E.
It’s many years after the death of the legendary Maximus, and Lucius Verus, the grandson of the late Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, is still in hiding, living in the kingdom of Numidia, the last free city in Africa Nova. Now known as Hanno, he has a girlfriend, who is a badass warrior, and he himself is also a super badass warrior. This is good news for Hanno, because the city’s Purge Horns suddenly sound out, warning Numidia… Invaders!
It’s the Romans! Booooo!
Rome is ruled by the corrupt and clearly syphilitic twin emperors, Geta and Caracalla, and the only thing they love more than unprotected sex is conquering places. Unfortunately for Numidia, they’re next on the list, and when it's all said and done, everyone is either killed, including Hanno’s actually-not-that-badass-of-a-soldier girlfriend, or they’re captured. This includes Hanno. And since Hanno is such a badass, that means it’s Death in the Arena time! Bread and Circuses, baby! Whoop-whoop! But bad news for Geta and Caracalla, because once he gets to the Eternal City, Hanno is really only interested in two things: eating olives and overthrowing the Empire.
And he’s all out of olives.
Hanno enters the Colosseum as the masses cheer wildly, with nothing but some protective armor and some sharp metal, as well as Maximus’ oft-mentioned legacy of strength and honor, and so... one baboon fight later, there’s a hot new gladiator in town! After that, it’s just a matter of time before Hanno returns the glory of Rome to its people.
A dull, overwrought retread of the dull, overwrought original, the only good part of this whole thing is Denzel Washington, who is clearly having a blast devouring the scenery. Other than that, much like the film itself, everyone else is forgettable… thankfully.
But even worse than just being a terrible garbage film, the climax of Gladiator 2 hinges on the idea that a violent coup is the only way the noble soldiers, the true sons of Rome, the ones who deserve its power and legacy (but only the ones who like to fuck ladies), can save an Empire gone astray due to an influx of greedy dark-skinned foreigners who are trying to take over a city which rightfully only belongs to actual (white) Roman citizens. These real salt o' the earth men of the preferred genetic stock, the one's who wear men's clothes, are the only ones who can right the doomed ship that is the Empire, and make it great once again, because let's face it, the lazy and corrupt elites of Rome only care about lolling about in their mansions, and doing gross sex stuff, while swilling wine and wearing makeup.
In the end, Gladiator 2 all comes down to two men rolling around in the dirt, the uppity dark-skinned foreigner daring to reach above his station versus the true son of Rome, the one who was born with the right genetics and thus, is the only one entitled to its power.
And finally, just to make it all so much shittier, once all of the ugly pervert elites and the presumptuous foreigners are dead, this noble soldier from humble roots, his veins coursing with the blood of true kings, and most likely ordained by God to rule–even though most of Rome didn't give a shit about that yet–stands before the gathered might of Rome, and says… “hey, both sides were a little wrong here, but especially the elites and foreigners, who forced us to do this with their demands of being treated as equals.” Rome rejoices at this, and they all live happily ever after by getting back in touch with the blood and soil.
That’s the whole film, a big long explanation for why Elon did a “Roman” salute.
