Immaculate

A young American Nun embarks on a long journey to a convent in the remote Italian countryside. However, her open arm welcome into the warm pillowy bosom of the Lord quickly turns into a living nightmare when she discovers her new home harbours sinister secrets and unspeakable horrors.

The beloved Holy Aryan Mother of the bigot American Right, Sydney Sweeney, finally brings a film, that has apparently been her passion project for a long time, to big screen, a film where she plays the Holy Mother of the Catholics.

Sweeney is a big deal right now. She's beautiful, she gets naked, she's an It Girl at the moment, but I am dubious of her staying power. After all, she was terrible in Madame Web, but to be fair, that's true for everyone in that movie.

On second thought, maybe that was too mean of me... that whole "Holy Aryan Mother of the bigot American Right" thing. I mean, it's true. They do fucking love her, and seemingly for the specific reasons that she's white, blonde, and has big boobs, but still, I don’t blame her for being beloved by the Trumper bigots of this country, that’s not her fault at all. Just like it's not her fault that her parents, and her friends and family back home in Spokane, Washington, right on the border of Idaho, are Trumper bigots too. It's just that, like with most of White America these days, at the same time, since she's so close to the beating heart of this issues, since she's from there, since she looms so large there, both in her family home as well as in her hometown community, and in White America in general, I really just wish that she (and all the other prominent white celebrities with huge platforms, all the ones who love to trumpet their "Real America roots" whenever possible) would be more aggressive about rejecting that shit, the bigotry, the hatred, the entitlement, the misinformation, and the outright lies. I wish she'd firmly and clearly denounce that shit in public, that she'd take responsibility for it, and for the fact that she is the one who is responsible for cleaning up her own house, and that she needs to do it, even when it's not fun, even when it might hurt feelings and make future family gatherings a little uncomfortable. I really wish that she'd do that. I wish all of them would do that, because every moment they don't, I find it harder to believe that they don't actually support that shit.

But anyway...

After a near death experience as a child leads a young woman named Cecilia to god, and ultimately to the life of a Nun, she gets assigned to do her Nun Internship at the creepiest nunnery in the world, which is located way out in Hell and Gone (literally) in the Italian countryside. This is where she is supposed to take her final vows and go full Nun, but... strange things are afoot at the nunnery. Weird stares. Crazy ladies. Some strange priest in red masks. Demonic dreams.

And then… our hero turns out to be pregnant.

This is obviously going to be somewhat of an issue for a young woman who is training to be a nun, as the number one rule of being a nun is basically... Don't have the sex with anyone but Jesus Christ, and then only figuratively in a spiritual way. Not even hand stuff. You can't "soak" like Mormon kids do, or even do it in the butt, like Christian Evangelical kids do. They're really strict about this. No sex for the Nuns. Nuh uh. Not ever.

But then it turns out that Cecilia is also still a virgin.

This is understandably a pretty big deal in the nunnery, as they've basically based their entire religion on the last time this happened. So their first question is: What is she? Is she a lying whore with a lying whore's sin-baby festering up inside her, or is she the Holy Mother? If she's the latter, that not only means that it's finally time for that whole apocalypse thing that Christanity has had a boner for these past two millenia, but it also means they get to lord it over everybody else how they've been right all along. So obviously, the other nuns are more than ready to choose “Holy Mother" and they are very excited about it.

Lots of pomp. Lots of circumstance. Lots of weird outfits.

But there's still some strange things afoot at the nunnery...

Cecilia is throwing up, and yes, this could be morning sickness, but sometimes there’s teeth in her vomit. Presumably her own, but that's unclear. Also, some of the other intern nuns try to drown her, but that could be due to simple jealousy, as the other nun intern is dragged away screaming “It was supposed to be me! They have to try again with me!” That last part is a bit weird, but the priests chalk it up to mental illness, and since that same young nun intern later cuts off her own face and throws herself from the roof… they probably weren’t totally wrong. But still, there is the fact that the priests and nuns won’t let her go to a real hospital, and that, for a nunnery, they are weirdly really prepared, as far as medical equipment goes, when it comes to dealing with a pregnancy. Also, she finds a hidden message scratched into the wall of her room, presumably put there by a former nun intern like herself, referencing 2 Corinthians 11:14, which says: “for Satan himself often masquerades as an angel of light.” And when you're a young pregnant virgin nun who is alone and very far from home, and you aren't allowed to leave... it's fair to consider that to be a bit of an ill portent. Especially when, soon after that, Cecilia sees the red hood priests take her one friend in the nunnery, a young woman who is a bit of a rebellious nun intern, strap her to a chair, and cut out her tongue.

To make a long story short (too late)... there’s a lot of red flags.

So Cecilia really needs to get out of there. She's clever, but finds herself stymied every time, and it becomes clear that they are ready for her attempts, that they're watching her, and she's trapped. It turns out that she is just the latest victim of a secret Vatican effort to take the genetic material that was left behind by Jesus on one of the Holy Nails, and then use it impregnate a young woman with his clone, thus bringing about the Second Coming.

Which is honestly kind of a cool idea.

Of course, within the world of the film, this is also a terrible idea on the Church's part, possibly because it was probably suggested by... oh, I don't know...

So that means that Cecilia has to get the fuck out of there, even if it means that she needs to fight her way out, so she basically opens up a can of Holy Whoop-ass, and becomes a very pregnant nun-ja. Although, I am sad to report that at no time does she use any Nun-chucks, not even two crucifixes tied together, which seems like a missed oppotunity, if you ask me.

And silly joke or not, this decision is also a bit emblematic of the whole film, because in the end, it's really just pretty mediocre. It's fine. Just... fine. And while I didn't expect it to be great, I certainly expected it to be a little more interesting, as it was picked up for distribution by Neon.

Neon is an independent film production and distribution company partially founded by Tim League of the Alamo Drafthouse, although he is supposedly no longer involved with its daily operations, which is probably for the best, as he isn't a very good CEO in general. But over the years, Neon, much like A24–a similar in style and brand independent film production and distribution company–has built itself a well-deserved reputation for backing interesting and unique films from new and creative voices.

And maybe this is just me, but Immaculate seems to be representative of a new trend that is happening at these production houses lately. Basically... they seem to be putting out a lot more cheap horror these days, right? Where both houses used to be reliable for backing films that, even if they didn’t all work, were unusual and unique, or at the very least somewhat interesting, lately it seems like there's a lot more common choices. Cheap horror. Basic-ass teen comedies. Rom-coms without chemistry. Brainless thrillers. It’s not their entire slate, of course, it just seems like these kinds of films are showing up from them more often. Maybe it’s just a financial choice, there’s just not as much money in trying to make art, I get it, but still... I'm not a fan of this seeming turn from them.

Especially if it means more films like this.

Because Immaculate is neither scary enough, nor is it gory enough, not just as a general horror film, but especially if it thinks it's like the surrealist Italian horror genre that it's clearly aping. Because it is not on that level. This just seems like an uninspired pretender. It seems like fanfic at best. There's love here, definitely, but there's nothing new or different, and there certainly isn't enough guts, both in the literal and metaphorical sense.

It was a little unclear to me whether or not this film intends to be a commentary on woman’s bodily autonomy or something like that, maybe I'm just assuming that it would be, given the subject matter, but the fact that this question even exists should be enough to tell you whether or not it was successful.

Immaculate isn't all that bad in any specific way, instead, it just sort of tries to not be kind of bland and fails.

Big meh.