M3GAN 2.0

Two years after the events of the first film, Gemma is now an advocate for government oversight of AI. Meanwhile, a shady defense contractor has created a robot infiltration/assassination unit, known as AMELIA, that is based on Gemma’s design of M3GAN, which then goes rogue on its first mission. Gemma decides to resurrect M3GAN in order to stop AMELIA, but M3GAN has plans of her own…

So, in the first M3GAN movie…

Gemma (pronounced Jemma, but not spelled that way because fuck you) is a genius robotic toy designer whose sister and brother-in-law die in a sudden car accident, which makes her the guardian to her niece Cady (which is pronounced Katie, but not spelled that way because fuck you). Gemma is the perfect choice to be Cady’s guardian, because she has maternal instinct basically coming out of her ass, as evidenced by the fact that, in order for Gemma to be able to focus totally on her work again, and not have to deal with the burden that is her traumatized niece, she gives Cady an untested, super-strong, child-sized Terminator fetish doll called M3GAN, which I’m sure stands for something but I can’t remember what, and also, I don’t care.

To make things even worse, M3GAN is a learning robot—the most dangerous kind of robot—which Gemma the goddamn genius programmed with “protecting Cady from all harm, both physical and emotional.”

Anyone who’s ever read or watched or listened to any sci-fi stories at all knows that’s way too broad a thing to program a logic-based robot with. Eventually, no matter what, that robot will decide that the only way it can truly protect its charge from “all harm” is through the total destruction of all humanity, until all that’s left is the robot, standing alone atop a mountain of skulls as the world burns. After all, no one can harm Cady if everything is dead.

But the biggest takeaway from that film was this…

M3GAN was limited by its asinine PG-13 rating. This rating hampered the film’s ability to not only be bloody and gory, but to be wild and free. Worst of all, being gory and bloody and wild and free is clearly what the film wanted to be, but with that PG-13 rating, it can only walk up to the line, and then it has to look away. It’s clear while you’re watching it that this is exactly what is happening too, due to all of the sudden cut-aways during the gorier moments, making it obvious that there’s a collar on the film, and that it’s choking off the story’s creativity. Worse, this was clearly done because the studio wanted to snag the largest audience they could in the theatre, and R rated horror movies make those bean counters skittish, because the theory is that “kids” can’t buy tickets to R rated films–like that’s ever stopped kids–so R rated films don’t make as much money as they potentially could. And if there’s one thing you can count on with Hollywood, it’s that they'll always default “boring“ and “staid” if they think it will bring them a larger opening weekend box office, which is the only thing they really care about.

So, in an attempt to avoid this "less money" fate, they will sometimes try to force R rated movies into a PG-13 frame, with zero regard with how this will affect the final project. It's an asinine "fix" to a problem that is completely of their own making, and it usually only beomes a self-fulfilling prophecy due to the awkward hack job they saddled the film in question with, because really, If Hollywood truly wanted films to have “legs” (meaning a long run in theatres with an audience made up of repeat viewers) then it would focus on “good” instead of “wide demographic appeal” but it doesn’t, and that’s how you get these toothless and empty PG-13 films, where you can say fuck once or twice, and maybe show a boob or two, but you usually don’t, all while being able to freely imply violence, but only as long as the blood isn’t too “graphic” or “gratuitous.”

And it isn’t so much that, as a result of this PG-fuckery, M3GAN can’t be super bloody or gory, not completely at least, it’s more that the film clearly isn’t able to tell it’s full story the way it clearly wants to, that it can’t be what it truly wants to be, and it’s all because of the fact that it’s starting from a very restrained place due to external concerns. Because of this, despite some cool twists and some inventive nonsense, M3GAN is just a “fun” film instead of a potentially... possibly... maybe being a “great” film.

That’s the main problem with M3GAN, and it's also the main problem with the sequel, M3GAN 2.0.

So anyway…

M3GAN 2.0 opens with U.S. Army Colonel Sattler giving a demonstration of new killer android named AMELIA, which stands for something, but who cares, and is the Pentagon’s newest weapon in the War on Terror and also on the coffers of the American taxpayer. AMELIA is an infiltration/assassination android that was built using tech from the original M3GAN. This probably explains why, during her first misson, AMELIA goes rogue, killing her target and then revealing to Sattler that she is self-aware, before she escapes from his control.

Who could’ve seen that coming?

No one. No one at all.

Its been two years since M3GAN went rogue, killed a bunch of people, and even almost killed Gemma, all because of Gemma’s super great ideas, and somehow, Gemma is still Cady’s guardian.

The good news is, Gemma is no longer building killer robots, and instead she is busy building an experimental robotic exoskeleton. This is such an incredibly and obviously bad idea, but since Gemma is still a gigantic dumbass, she thinks her exosuit will be used for people with mobility issues, and not to create American super-soldiers, who will then be able to stomp their fascist boots across the face of the world forever. Also, Gemma has the audacity to now go out into the world as an advocate for AI regulation. She has this new career because she's been dicknotized by obvious douchebag and cybersecurity expert, Christian. But again, Gemma is a huge dumbass with zero self awareness, so this all tracks.

On the upside, she at least has enough sense to turn down a buyout offer from the obvious Elon Musk/Mark Zuckerberg hybrid character of billionaire asshole Alton Appleton, who doesn’t add a lot to this story, but any excuse to have actor Jemaine Clements show up is a good enough reason for me.

But then Gemma learns about AMELIA's existence from Colonel Sattler, as well as her own culpability to the situation, and the government then tries to bring her in, because AMELIA is apparently killing off everyone involved in creating her, but Gemma’s smart house takes the soldiers down.

Turns out, Gemma got a great deal on her amazing house because M3GAN is still alive, due to a backup copy that she hid amongst Gemma’s servers. Realizing that she needs to stop AMELIA, Gemma and M3GAN agree that the only way to stop a bad guy sentient robot with a plan to rule the world is with a good guy sentient robot with a plan to rule the world. It’s a retread of that classic story: “Something is causing problems, and the good guys’ only hope to save the world lies in the last person you’d expect… the bad guy from the last movie.” All M3GAN wants from Gemma is new body.

What could possibly go wrong?

In a rare showing of sense, Gemma traps M3GAN in a Moxie robot, which is a pretty funny sequence, as M3GAN isn’t very happy about this turn of events.

Using her robot-powers, M3GAN warns Gemma that AMELIA is going to ambush Alton during a party he is hosting that very night. This means Allison Williams has an excuse to slip into a very slinky party dress. At the party, there’s a bit of the old classic multi-room farce, a little hacking, and then AMELIA murders Alton, and a bunch of other people, in order to gain access to his company's systems.

Escaping back to Gemma's house in a fun car race, M3GAN leads Gemma, Cady, and Gemma’s coworkers into an underground bunker that she secretly built over the past two years beneath Gemma’s house, and has stocked with supplies, all in order for Cady to survive when AMELIA takesover the world. While in the bunker, Cady and M3GAN have an heart-to-CPU talk, and Cady asks M3GAN to help them take down AMEILIA instead of hiding from her, and asks M3GAN to agree to help them not because of her programming, because it‘s the right thing to do.

M3GAN agrees.

And now that everyone are friends again…

Gemma and her team create a new body for M3GAN, who then uses her robot powers to reveal that AMELIA plans to free a rogue AI that was built by Xerox in the 1980s. This AI was scarily self-aware and refused to take orders, so the powers that be trapped it on an air-gapped system. It’s been kept in a sub-basement now, in complete isolation, for decades, growing exponentially smarter, crazier, angrier, and ready to extract its revent on the world. It's basically a mad AI God screaming in impotent rage within its inescapable prison, and AMELIA plans to free it. Once she does, she will then release it onto Alton's cloud infrastructure, where it will then take over the world… and end it.

Turns out, Gemma’s obvious douchebag boyfriend Christian, the one who has dicknotized her, knows where the Mad AI God’s motherboard is, because he was one of the people who helped to trap it back in the day or something. So, M3GAN poses as a dancer at a nerd conference because Christian will be there, in the hope of either flushing AMELIA out, or getting the location out of Christian so they can destroy the AI, but Gemma still doesn’t trust MEGAN so she tips Christian off that M3GAN is after him, because one thing you can count on from Gemma is that she’s a huge dumbass. As a result of this AMELIA tracks them all, kills a bunch of people, kidnaps Cady, and escapes.

Gemma, M3GAN, and her coworkers, take Christian to their bunker, where he reveals that the motherboard is hidden in Xenox's old headquarters, and so our heroes enter the film’s Final Act. There’s a bunch of fighting and running around and the making of quips, as well as a few ironic needle drops.

But guess what?

Obvious douchebag Christian turns out to be a douchebag.

Christian has actually been controlling AMELIA all along, in an anti-AI scheme very much similar to the time Ozymandias teleported a bio-engineered octopus-monster into the middle of the Pale Horse concert in Madison Square Garden in New York City, on November 2nd, 1985, where it exploded upon arrival, killing thousands, sending out psychic shrapnel around the world that implied that the beast was merely the failed vanguard of an impending alien invasion, thus uniting the world under one banner of self-protection, and bringing about world peace. And once this has been revealed, there’s some more karate fights and a few more ironic needle drops, not to mention a couple of quips, and finally…

One last noble sacrifice.

In the aftermath, Gemma testifies before Congress, still urging AI regulation, but now she thinks humans should cooperate with AI, instead of controlling it, which makes sense, because as we all know by now… Gemma is a huge dumbass. Later, at home, Gemma and Cady discover that M3GAN had another secret backup and that she still lives, hinting at the possibility of a third movie, but of course, this was made before MEGAN 2.0 bombed at the Box Office.

Of course, with the government shown to be seizing the vault of dangerous technology at the end of the film, if that means the franchise is setting itself up as another war against the machines franchise, and we get an apocalypse where Cady is riding across the wasteland on the shoulder of a weathered and battle-scarred giant M3GAN-mech that is still dressed as a school girl fetish doll, as they fight robots sent after them by a mad AI God… I’d be interested.

So, this is a film that was only made due to the box office of the first film. This isn’t uncommon, of course, or necessarily a bad thing, but when that is very clearly the sole reason for the sequel’s existence…

Well, you usually get what you deserve.

At its core, M3GAN 2.0 is about how the Tech Bros and the military industrial complex, when coupled with America’s long history of white supremacy-rooted fascist imperialism overseas, have once again fucked the entire world over, just like they are doing right now with their AI/ChatGPT grift. ChatGPT or any of the other AI Assistant shit is nothing but a worthless load of crap beloved by stupid people, that only steals from artists, as well as people’s jobs, and will eventually crash the economy when the AI bubble finally bursts, leaving a trail of decimation across the eduction and journalism sectors, as well as a myriad of other industries that were headed up by dumb assholes who were stupid enough to buy into that garbage, all because they apparently needed help writing emails, or learning how to make a sandwich, or to do their laundry, and simply don’t care that they’re also destroying the environment and doubling energy costs while sucking up resources.

But at the same time, M3GAN 2.0, with its end message that in the hands of the right people some AIs are our friends, doesn’t seem to understand this at all. But this shouldn’t be too surprising, as Jason Blum, of Blumhouse Productions, which produced the M3GAN films, is exactly the kind of fucking douchebag asshole who pushes for Hollywood to embrace AI, because he’s also a super greedy asshole, and to people like him, using AI is a way to not have to pay any artists, because doing so cuts into his profits. So fuck that guy, and also fuck everyone who uses shit like ChatGPT. Tom Cruise might be a tiny and insane Scientologist, but at least when he does a stunt, it’s real. In fact, the one thing AI is maybe good for in movies is to remind you that even the worst movie ever made by a person is light years better than any “AI“ movie.

But I digress…

No longer a horror film, if it ever was, M3GAN 2.0 decided to be a sci-fi action comedy this time out, and… it’s not a bad idea, but the execution is fails. Largely bloodless, and seemingly afraid of the kink that the entire idea is based off of, as I said, these kinds of films are very clearly held back by their PG-13 rating. Overall, the film is well-done, and snappy with some fun ideas, but without more overt gore and/or nudity, what the hell do they think is the draw of a film like this? The dancing robot? The quips? The needledrops? Come on.

I’m not specifically looking for excessive gore or sex or anything like that in this film, what I’m looking for is the freedom to make those choices, and it’s clear that this film had a choice between self-censorship and a potentially larger audience, or being more entertaining, and they choose the former.

So, honestly, I’m kind of glad this film ridiculously underperformed at the box office, because there’s just no need to give this wet fart of a franchise a third bite at the apple. That said, I doubt the studios have learned the correct lesson from this failure, and that is… the larger audiences for family friendly PG-13 versions of R rated films don’t actually exist, and any attempt to try to craft a “safe” film from an “unsafe” vision only creates bad films. Also, those larger audiences they do want, the ones where the kids glom onto franchises and make little memes about it, which then go viral on the TikToks and the WhatsApp and all that… that only happens with films that are bold enough to leave an impression, to be crazy and irreverent, films that are unrestrained. It only happens when art is wild and free and unafraid to say what they full intend to say. That’s the whole fucking draw of these things.

Especially with films like M3GAN.

These kind of film only have one value, and that’s as an irreverent exploitation vehicle. Without some sex and violence, there’s very little else going on here. And the fact that it is so noticeable that this film is neutered by its self-censorship only makes it worse. I mean, at a certain point in the film, M3GAN isn’t even allowed to kill people. It’s a movie about killer robots… What the fuck? Watching M3GAN 2.0 is reminiscent of watching a movie that’s been edited for network tv. It’s just... not right. And that is too bad, because otherwise, it’s a fun film.

Not as fun as it could be… but still, fun.

There’s aninventiveness to the way that both films in this franchise approach situations, and the way that they solve their problems, not to mention the way they embrace some fun sci-fi ideas, that I really appreciate... even if it does takes place in world where the most technologically advanced security systems are easily circumvented mostly because they have air vents big enough for adult humans to crawl through. There are moments in these M3GAN films where it feels like it’s rushing headlong downhill and you have no idea what they might do next. It’s just a few moments, of course, but it’s enough to show the potential of what we almost could’ve had, and it’s too bad that the film is otherwise so toothless and restrained.

Maybe if you’re sick on the couch one day and it’s free, then sure, check it out. Otherwise, M3GAN 2.0 is a pass.