Masters Of The Universe (1987)

When Skeletor takes over Castle Grayskull on the planet Eternia, He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe, along with his friends, Man-At-Arms, Teela, and Gwildor the Keymaker, escape with the Cosmic Key, a fantastical device that can open portals between worlds. With the evil forces of Skeletor close behind, the battle to become Master of the Universe must now be fought on Earth, with teenagers Julie and Kevin caught in the middle.

The year is 1981...

While busy ignoring the AIDS crisis, thereby directly attributing to the deaths of millions, the Reagan administration deregulated and eased the FCC's restrictions on children’s television advertising. This allowed toy manufacturers and animation studios to create cartoons that were basically just half-hour commercials for toys. And thus, the era of the action figure began, otherwise known as... my childhood.

Enter He-Man and The Masters of the Universe.

At times during his development, he was briefly known by other names. Torak, Hero of Pre-History. The Lords of Power. The King of Styx. The Fighting Foe Men. But in the end, he was He-Man. The bastard child of Conan the Barbarian, Flash Gordon, and John Carter of Mars, with a dash of Jack Kirby's Fourth World for flavor, as well as a not insignifigant amount of the vastly superior Thundarr the Barbarian, the basic premise of The Masters of the Universe revolves around the conflict on the planet Eternia between He-Man and Skeletor, each with a vast array of warrior allies and henchman, all in a hybrid setting of sword and sorcery and sci-fi technology.

Mattel released the 5.5-inch action-figure toy line, in all their brightly-colored, muscle-bound glory, in 1982, each one coming with a mini-comic that detailed the mythos of the whole line.

In the comics, He-Man was shown to be a wandering barbarian, who, in the aftermath of a great war, has left his jungle tribe to explore the planet Eternia. The war caused all kinds of havoc, including the opening of a rift between dimensions, allowing the evil Skeletor to arrive on Eternia. Almost immediately, Skeletor sees Castle Grayskull, and right away, he decides that it must belong to him. The reason behind this decision is only ever vaguely explained, but I'd be willing to bet that a large chunk of it probably has something to do with the fact that he shows up on a strange planet and right there–boom!–there's a house with his face on it.

Totally understandable.

But the Sorceress is like "Nope. This is the home of the ghostly Spirit of Castle Grayskull. Go live on Snake Mountain." And Skeletor is like "But I'm not a snake, I'm a Skull-guy. It's a yellow skull, sure, but still, I should live in Castle Grayskull." And the Sorceress is like "Mmm-mmm. Nope." And Skeletor is like "But seriously, I have a skull face." The Sorceress is unmoved, and is like, "Look, even if I wanted to let you live here, which I don't, I can't let you in, because the Power Sword has been broken in two, and you need both halves to open the door." And Skeletor is like "Well, guess what I'm gonna do this weekend, bitch?" And the Sorceress is like "crap..." So she spots He-Man riding his cat, and she's like "This guy looks dumb," so she dubs him a Hero of Destiny, and then gives him some armor and weapons, and aims him like a missile straight at Skeletor. "Go beat up that guy." And so He-Man, drunk with power, and more than a little loopy after being hit by the power lightning, is like "Woo-hoo!" and goes and does just that.

I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's the gist of it.

These mini-comics were soon followed by a series published by DC Comics, but they both fell by the wayside when Filmation released the animated series He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. It ran from September 1983 until December of 1984, two seasons with a total of 130 episodes.

The sword and lasers cartoon was one of the most popular of the 1980s, and it immediatley tossed out everything from the comics, and changed the whole story of the toy line. The series still takes place on Eternia, but it's lead character is now Prince Adam, who is the son of Eternia's rulers King Randor and Queen Marlena. While considered a goof and a lazy coward by almost everyone, whenever trouble threatens, Prince Adam holds the Sword of Power aloft and proclaims...

"By the Power of Grayskull! I have the power!"

When he does this, he is endowed with "fabulous secret powers" and is then transformed into He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Together with his close allies–Battle Cat (a huge talking cat in armor, who undergoes a similar transformation from being Adam's cowardly pet Cringer), The Sorceress, the old warrior Duncan, known as Man-At-Arms, and Orko, the goofy wizard sidekick, all of whom know Adam's secret, and Teela, a warrior and Man-At-Arms' daughter, who doesn't know Adam's secret, along with a seemingly endless font of weirdos–He-Man defends Eternia from the evil forces of Skeletor. Skeletor's main goal is to conquer the mysterious fortress of Castle Grayskull, from which He-Man draws his powers, because this would then enable him to rule not just Eternia, but possibly the entire universe. Plus, he would get to live in a house with his face on it, a dream I think all of us understand. Each episode would end with Orko passing on an important life-tip to all the kids out there. It was hugely popular at the time.

But that was long ago...

Now, all the kids of today know of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is this ancient internet meme known as Fabulous Secret Powers.

But like I said... at the time, it was hugely popular.

So it makes sense that eventually Hollywood would try to make a live-action movie. And I can see why they would want to make it too, because the concept art by artist Claudio Mazzoli is fantastic. You can clearly see the draw of the project, as well as the influences that the filmmakers wanted to bring to life.

Influences like Jack Kirby.

A legendary comic artist, as well as a dedicated anti-facsist, who was more than willing to throw hands with fucking Nazis, Jack "The King" Kirby is responsible for co-creating a veritable who's who of famous comic book characters, like... The Avengers, the Black Panther, the Fantastic Four, the Hulk, Iron Man, Ant-man, the Silver Surfer, Thor, and the X-Men, amongst many others.

The film's director, Gary Goddard, has said that he took a lot of inspiration from the famed comic creator, especially Kirby's well-known Fourth World series. He even wanted to add a tribute to Jack Kirby in the film's end credits, but the studio apparently nixed the idea.

Masters of the Universe was released on August 7, 1987.

It was a complete critical and commercial failure, grossing only $17 million worldwide with a budget of $22 million. Even the fans hated it, basically because it didn't so much as stray from the source material, as much as it totally disregarded it. Not yet 13, I can confirm the target audience's immense disappointment and confusion, as I keenly felt the razored edge of its betrayal myself. But while the film was despised and rejected at the time, in the years since, it has come to be regarded as a bit of cult film.

Which is what brings us to now. With the new version already out in theatres and also available on streaming, I thought I'd rewatch it before trying the new one. It's been awhile since I've seen it, the film that Frank Langella did for his kid, who was a huge fan, the film that was Courtney Cox's first movie, the film that Dolph Lundgren claimed to hate, so I figured, why not?

Also, just fyi... there's this.

Wonderful.

And so we begin...

At the center of the universe, at the border between the light and the dark, stands Castle Grayskull. For countless ages, the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull has kept this universe in harmony. But the armies of darkness do not rest and the capture of Grayskull is ever most in their minds. For those that control Grayskull will come the power. The power to be supreme. The power to be almighty. The power to be… Masters of the Universe.

Our film begins as Skeletor seizes control of Castle Grayskull.

His forces having crushed the Eternian army, and captured the Sorceress of Grayskull, Skeletor's destiny has finally arrived. By the next moonrise, he will have drained the Sorceress of her power, and seized control over the entire universe.

And yet, hope remains...

He-Man fights on!

Along with the veteran soldier Duncan, known as Man-At-Arms, and his hot-headed (and hot-bodied) daughter Teela, they rescue Thenurian locksmith Gwildor from Skeletor's troopers. As a Master Locksmith, Gwildor can create any key, and defeat any lock, and so, he has invented a "Cosmic Key" a device that can open a portal to anywhere in the universe by using musical notes.

Unfortunately, it was stolen by Skeletor's second-in-command, Evil-Lyn, who it is heavily implied used sex to distract Gwildor, and thus, Skeletor was able to breach Castle Grayskull.

Using a prototype of Gwildor's Cosmic Key, He-Man and his allies launch a daring raid straight into the heart of Castle Grayskull in the hope of freeing the Sorceress. But they are soon overwhelmed by Skeletor's army, and are forced to flee through a hurriedly-opened portal. As they tumble through the cosmos, landing on a strange and unfamiliar planet, they discover that the Key has been lost along the way.

The strange and unfamiliar planet... is Earth.

Meanwhile, two small town California teenagers—the recently orphaned high-school graduate Julie Winston, and her aspiring musician townie boyfriend, Kevin Corrigan, are in the cemetery visiting Julie's parents' graves. It's a sad day, because today is Julie's last day in town. Lost in her grief, Julie has decided to move away for a fresh start in the big city. After her last shift at the BBQ Shack, she's catching a bus out of town and into a new life, no college, no prospects, and no plan beyond getting on that bus. Kevin, meanwhile, wants to stay here in town, so he can persue a career as shitty musician in a shitty local band. He's a dreamer, that Kevin, and he wants Julie to stay in town, to share in his dream of being a small town nothing.

But as they're leaving the cemetery grounds, they stumble across a hole. It's not an open grave, it's more like a crater, like something had fallen out of the sky. At the bottom, they find the Cosmic Key.

These two idiots decide that it's some kind of Japanese synthesizer.

Figuring "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers" they decide to keep it. Kevin especially has dreams of greatness dancing in his head, immediately envisioning, through the awesomeness of his new Japanese Sythesizer, that his bar band will no longer be playing high school dances, and instead, they'll be playing the VFW.

Unfortunately, while they're fucking around and touching a bunch of buttons, they accidentally transmit a transgalactic signal, and Evil-Lyn is listening. Seeing a new way to get in Skeletor's good graces, and presumably his Skele-bed, she sends a trio of mercenaries to recover the device....

A portal opens on Earth, and out steps the armored lizard person called Saurod, the animalistic brute known as the Beastman, the guy with multiple swords who insists that people call him Blade but who looks more like a Jared honestly, and finally... Karg, who... I don't know what the hell is going on with Karg. He's like seeing a member of an 80s hair metal band in 2026, without their make-up.

For reasons that make no logical sense, Kevin leaves Julie at the high school gym all alone, where his band will be playing later, instead of her just coming with him to the local music store, where he wants to show off his Japanese synthesizer to Charlie, his local dirtbag friend who works there.

Skeletor's henchmen trace the key to the last point it was activates, which is the high school, who then proceed to burn it down while chasing Julie,. Luckily, she is rescued by He-Man and his companions.

The henchmen retreat to Grayskull to snivel before Skeletor, who then vaporizes Saurod–which is sad, because Saurod was the coolest looking one–and then sends the rest back to Earth, this time with a larger force under Evil-Lyn's command.

Meanwhile, Kevin returns to the school to find it on fire and crawling with police, and as a result, he is arrested by Detective Lubic, who is played by James Tolkan, who also played Vice Principal Strickland in the Back to the Future movies, so I've decided that this film happens in the same universe, and that these two characters are actually twin brothers who live in different small towns in California, probably because they find each other to be a bit abrasive. Anyway, Lubic confiscates the Key, and looking to confirm Kevin's story with Charlie the dirtbag, he leaves Kevin at Julie's house, where they went to look for Julie, which is still weirdly full of furniture and personal items for someone who is supposedly leaving town that very night. 

Unfortunately, Lubic also played around with the Key while at Julie's house, so Evil-Lyn and the gang shows up and starts breaking shit. They also beat up Kevin, who honestly kind of deserves it, not for anything specific, but just because of his general vibe, y'know? Finally, Kevin tells them that Lubic has the Key, and Evil-Lyn and the Boys (a great band name) head out for the local shopping district.

Soon after, Julie and the Eternians (another great band name) arrive, gather up Kevin, and then set off to get the Key themselves. They arrive at Charlie's music store, and have a huge shoot-out, destroying the store, which Charlie also pretty much deserves for being a townie scumbag, and in the end, Evil-Lyn manages to recover the Cosmic Key, so she then summons Skeletor to Earth.

There's a fight in the town's lovely little shopping district that includes a floating pad/skiff battle, which seems to use the same floating pads we see in Highlander 2: The Quickening, so I've decided that not only does Masters of the Universe (1987) and the Back to the Future trilogy all happen in the same universe, but so does the Highlander films. Eventually, Skeletor's forces capture the Eternians, and wound Julie, which simultaneously erases the memory storage of Gwildor's Key, rendering it useless.

He-Man is forced to surrender to save his comrades.

Skeletor returns to Eternia, taking He-Man as a slave and ditching his allies, leaving them on Earth with Kevin, Charlie, Detective Lubic, and the slowly dying Julie, who only the Sorceress could save. But y'see, Skeletor done fucked up, as it turns out the Kevin has Perfect Pitch, or what Gwildor calls a Master Tonesmith, and together, they repair the Key, re-enter the tones necessary to create a gateway to Eternia. They then transport to Castle Grayskull, just as Skeletor is about to become Master of the Universe. The battle is joined.

Soon enough, He-Man shows us all who has the power...

In the end, everything is fine, mostly due to the Sorceress' magic and He-Man's ability to punch, and the Eternals wish the Earthlings “good journey” as they all return to Earth, except for Detective Lubic, who stays on Eternia because he met a blonde woman in a toga. When Julie returns home, she finds that her parents are no longer dead, so now she gets to stay in town, work at the local BBQ shack, and be a groupie for Kevin’s shitty band.

Ah… America…

Finally, in a post-credits scene, maybe one of the first of its kind, or at least, long before the MCU made it cool, Skeletor's head emerges from the waters of the pit He-Man threw him into and says: "I'll be back!"

Spoiler: He wasn’t.

Masters of the Universe (1987) is a typically insanely amazing garbage film from Cannon Films, one of the last rockets to escape before the world that cousins and co-heads Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus created imploded due to a plethora of questionable financial decisions. It is an ugly malnourished child born at the far end of a collapsing era, as the great toy empires of the 1980s, and their storied franchises, all crumbled and fell into ruin.

But for a time, Cannon films defined 80's pop culture, especially the kind of shit you'd find playing endlessly somewhere on cable. They threw a wide net. From the nude terror that was Lifeforce, to the bombastic nonsense that was Over The Top, to the failure to capitalize that was King Solomon's Mines, to the inexplicably bad and straight-up weird action film that was Cobra, to the wild genius that was the movie Cyborg, and the pure distillation of the 80s that was thosee twin triumphs, Breakin' and American Ninja.

Canon Films were truly terrible and awesome.

But it was Superman IV: The Quest For Peace that finally broke the Golan/Globus era of Cannon Films. A mutli-million dollar failure that killed the Superman film franchise for nearly 20 years, it was a devastating financial blow that came just as they thought they had grabbed their golden ring too, the "new" Star Wars that was Masters of the Universe.

But it was not to be...

Hemorrhaging money, the film's meager budget was slashed to almost nothing during filming, and sets were even torn down despite the production still needing to use them. This is why, out of all the possible choices of Skeletor's henchmen that could have been featured in this film, between Blade, Saurod, The Beastman, and Karg, only one of them was an actual He-Man characater before the movie. It's why the costumes were all so generic. This is why Gwildor exists, because He-Man's little floating goblin wizard sidekick, Orko, was simply too expensive.

The answer to why this film is set on earth at all is basically the answer to every question why this film is so bad and awkward... the money ran out. That's it. I get it now, and I can clearly see that this is true, but at the time... this only meant that, as a child and a fan, it was an incredibly frustrating and disappointing cinematic experience for me.

In the end, the only thing this film actually gets right about He-man is the basic plot, which they should, as every He-Man plot is basically the same thing. Skeletor shakes his fist and says "I want Castle Greyskull!" and He-Man replies "How about a knuckle sandwich instead?" Wash, rinse, repeat.

That said, there are some things that I enjoy here...

As always, I love the ridiculousness of the hero in their silly outfit walking down a normal street. He-man trying to sneak around town is peak nonsense. People are gonna call the cops on you, He-Man, and guess what, not because they're working for Skeletor either. It's because you're poorly lurking behind their Juniper bush in nothing but knee-high boots, a huge cape, suspenders, and your underwear. I also love how, multiple times during in the movie, whenever the heroes save someone, they're like “Who did this to you?” and the person they’re asking goes, all groggy, “It was a woman…” Instantly they’re like “Evil-lyn!” like they're rushing to be the first to answer. And like, who are they trying to impress? Because as far as I can tell, the Masters of the Universe universe is a no girls allowed zone. That’s plural. No girls. Each side is allowed one girl on their team. He-man has Teela. Skeletor has Evil-lyn. That’s it. Everyone else go home, ladies, the quota is filled. Plus, why are they even bothering to ask? Who did this to me? It was Skeletor. The answer is always Skeletor. Who else are they fighting? Sure, it may not have specifically been Skeletor, but still... it was still Skeletor.

Okay, fine, Hordak, maybe. Fuck you. Shut up.

I also love that Eternians are apparently vegetarians. There's an early scene in the film, soon after the heroes arrive on Earth, where they are all absolutely disgusted to discover that the delicious bbq ribs Gwildor pilfered are actual ribs. Absolutely disgusted. This was an addition to He-Man canon, and I'll bet anything there's an uber nerd out there who is still seething with rage at the implication that He-Man will not eat a burger. "Where's he get his protein for all that muscle mass, bro!?!?" Also, Eternians apparently believe in clean energy too. At one point, Gwildor steals a car and adjusts the engine so that it runs on Neutrinos, no hydrocarbons needed. I also love that while Eternians apparently believe in generally living in harmony with nature, they seem to have zero issues with stealing.

“I must possess all, or I possess nothing.”

Just like that, Skeletor is suddenly very believable, very understandable villain.

Because without a doubt, the absolute best part of Masters of the Universe (1987) is Frank Langella’s portrayal of Skeletor. While Dolph Lundgren's He-Man sounds like English is his second language, after punching, Langella turns what could have been a one-dimensional villain positively Shakespearean. His portrayal of the Evil Lord of Destruction infuses Skeletor with surprising gravitas, intelligence, and a sinister charisma. He is a true villain, a terrifying villain, but he is also one with an unexpected depth. Langella leans in, and is not only genuinely compelling, but is clearly enjoying himself. Simply put, Langella's performance is much much better than this silly little film deserves. All of which makes sense when you realize that he leapt at the role simply because his kid was a massive He-Man fan.

I also liked, when the sequel to this film fell apart, in order to avoid wasting the sets and costumes that has already been prepared for the sequel, they used them to make Cyborg starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, which is probably Van Damme’s best film in my opinion. I love this, because I had never heard this before, and now that I have... it explains so much of the weird shit in that film.

So... Masters of the Universe (1987) is the kind of film that when you revisit it, at first you're like, why was this thing such a flop, and then the film goes on to explain to you why... over and over and over. It's a film that is emblematic of Hollywood's history of, more often than not, failing to adapt sci-fi/fantasy stuff, mostly because, often times the people doing the adapting don't actually like the source material, so they try to make it into something else, and only end up creating a product that no one actually wants. But at the same time, it's a film where you can see the panic on screen, the panic of the money-men realizing that their golden goose is quickly dying, the panic of knowing that the money has already been spent, and the panic of the filmmakers, who are just trying to finish their film before all the lights are turned off.

Clumsy as this film is, as clearly held together by spit and prayers and duct tape as it is, as marred as it is by a poor vision and a general lack of understanding of what this thing is and what people like about it, there’s ambition here. There’s sincerity too. This was a production that was clearly trying to make something special... it wasn't He-Man, whatever it was, but still, it was trying. It's also a film that clearly knew it was doomed, but soldiered on. The boat's sinking, what else is there to do, but play on until the end? I can respect that.

So, is this a bad film? Oh, absolutely. Did I hate it as a kid? Yes, very much so. But do I kind of love it now? Yeah, yeah, I kinda do.

But would I recommend it?

lol. no