Pathaan

Pathaan is about a spy, a super spy, if we’re being honest, the kind of spy who his superiors consider to be a dangerous loose cannon, but they just don’t understand what it means to be a super spy. Who cares if he’s constantly blowing up everything he touches, who cares is he’s knocked down… a couple buildings, all while dancing? Who cares if he’s getting somewhat noticably older, while still unbuttoning his shirt a little too much? It doesn’t matter! Being a super spy means getting results, damnit, and that’s what he does!

And that spy’s name is Pathaan.

The other characters say his name a lot.

Pathaan the movie follows the adventures of Pathaan the super-spy as he battles against the leader of a gang of mercenaries, a man named… Jim. Jim is not so different from Pathaan, a twisted mirror, if you will. Jim has had a few disappointments in life, like when bad guys killed his entire family. Jim is still a little salty about that, and now he wants to use a deadly McGuffin Bomb on random other people for reasons, and it’s up to Pathaan, and an incredibly… incredibly… beautiful spy named Rubina, a woman so gorgeous you honestly don’t even mind when she betrays you, which happens once or twice, but even then, she comes back, because Pathaan is just that handsome and manly, look how he poses so majestically with dramatic music, his shirt mostly unbuttoned, the wind blowing through his long hair…

Unfortunately for Pathaan, Jim is just as handsome, and his shirt is even more unbuttoned…

That’s the whole movie, a couple of super handsome guys, and one ridiculously attractive lady, all striking dramatic poses between frenzied bouts of running and jumping and beating up entire rooms full of guys, and all while doing a bunch of kickass dance move-like nonsense… sometimes while parachuting, sometimes while hang gliding, sometimes during car chases, or maybe atop a moving semi, or a moving train, or also a crashing train, and sometimes…

Right before making passionate love…

Pathaan is a big action extravaganza, kind of like a Marvel movie meets a Mission Impossible movie meets a James Bond movie, that have been all smashed together, but in a sexy way, and also with a ton of song and dance numbers, which is nice, but also generally done in the style of a 90s action comedy starring someone like Mel Gibson and Cameron Diaz, which is… ehhhh.

In the end, Pathaan dares to ask…

How many cliffs can a handsome guy hang off of? How many moving vehicles can he jump off? How many explosions can he slowly walk away from? How many bad guys can he beat up? How many highflying kick-punches can he do? And the answer is, my friends… all of them. All of them.

Simply put, Pathaan is 100% awesome and 100% silly 100% of the time.

Enjoy.