Red One

When the Christmas Witch kidnaps Santa Claus from the North Pole a couple of days before Christmas, an E.L.F. must join forces with a longtime Naughty Lister in order to find Santa and save Christmas.

This is modern-day Hollywood doing modern-day Christmas.

These days, a lot of the more tedious hipster film nerds out there like to spend a lot of their time bitching about the current spate of superhero movies as their butthurt complaint du jour. They love to whine about how superhero movies, and franchise films, and movies that are based on corporate IPs, claiming that these films are crowding out the market, devouring budgets, and generally making it so that we don’t get any original idea films anymore.

This is a bunch of nonsense, of course, because their complaint is actually just about their own contrarian entitlement, nothing but vague whining about their own head-canon reality, cloaked in a fiction about a system that once existed and was then unfairly destroyed by capes, tights, lightsabers, and shared universes. It’s really one of the quickest ways to let the world know that you’re not a real film fan, because if you were, you’d know where to find these movies that you claim don’t get made anymore.

But that aside…

Whenever filmheads say shit like this, they like to act like, if it weren’t for the superhero movies, or the corporate IPs, or the franchise films, that we’d suddenly find ourselves in an artist’s paradise, awash in amazing, well-crafted, interesting, and never-before-seen tales, all set in weird and wonderful new landscapes, and seen through strange new perspectives. As if that was ever how things worked in Hollywood. As if Hollywood ever had more space for small budgets then they did large budgets. Certainly not in the last 40 years. Because that’s what we’d actually get, a return to the way things were in the 90s and the early aughts, when it was nothing but a whole bunch of half-baked, terribly conceived and terribly executed, random ideas pulled-straight-out-of-someone‘s-butt and blasted into our faces via some weirdly lore-heavy genre fever dream. What we’d get, is the type of out-of-left-field shit that they used to bombard us with trailers about for the six months leading up to its release, only to disappoint us once again, just like they would every July 4th or Thanksgiving weekend.

So, basically… movies just like Red One.

Simply put, this film is a throwback to a time from not that long ago, a terrible reminder of when, for every, say… Men in Black that we were treated to, we got a dozen Men in Black 2s shoved on us, and for every Trainspotting or Blue Ruin or Men and Chicken or Dogs Don’t Wear Pants, we got dozens upon dozens of Green Books and Blind Sides and The Artists and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Closes, just a seemingly never-ending slog of mediocre garbage to fill all the empty release slots on the calendar during the summer and winter awards season. Because that’s what Red One is. Mediocre. It’s not awful. I wouldn’t even call it “bad“ either. It’s just… pap.

Empty pap.

Not that most of the superhero, corporate IP, or franchise films out there are all that better on average, but for me, at least… I feel like there’s something to be said for the value of the narrative foundation that a continuing serial story brings with it, something Red One does not have, despite its attempts to seem otherwise…

As a tangent… Red One’s attempt to pretend that it has already-established lore, which relies on the audience bringing outside knowledge with them to the movie, even though that outside knowledge does not match up at all with the world of the film, or the story that we’re being told, reminds me of Zack Snyder’s Superman vs Batman film.

The big climax of that film, all of its drama, is hinged on the fact that it was supposed to be this incredible tragedy that these two were fighting, and what’s weird about that, is the film didn’t provide any reason why this is a tragedy. In fact, in the story, the two had never even met before. They had no previous relationship at all. The movie even showed us how, due to his incredibly irresponsible actions in the climax of the movie Man of Steel, Batman had some legitimate reasons to have beef with Superman. The problem is, the film clearly wants us to think differently, and it clearly assumes that, despite what the story otherwise shows us, that we too would also think that these two fighting is a tragedy, and the reason why it believed this is NOT from anything that actually happens during the movie, but because the film seems to be relying on us being aware that, due to their years of history in the comics, as well as the old Superfriends cartoon, Batman and Superman have long been friends, and it uses familiar iconography from that history, sans the source material’s context, to reenforce that idea.

This film, much like Red One, relies on the assumption that the audience is very much aware of previous incarnations of these characters, and who they are, despite the fact that those previous incarnations are nothing like the versions currently on the big screen. The decision to go this route with your story is inexplicable to me. Anyway, this is my point, Red One does this, leaning on the myths and legends of these various Christmas spirits and concepts in an effort to expand their world, but it’s like relying on smoke… there’s nothing there.

This shouldn’t surprise anyone.

The Rock generally makes some real terrible choices when it comes to films, reliably terrible. When he did The Rundown, I thought he’d was going to be the next Schwarzenegger, but somewhere around Pain & Gain, he got his big fat head crammed all the way up his ass, and that’s just the way it is now, so all we’re gonna get from him from here on out, is more ham-handed, ego-driven vanity projects like Black Adam. Meanwhile, Chris Evans has been struggling to find a post-Captain America identity for himself, struggling and not finding it. No wonder he signed on to appear in Secret Wars.

And because of all that, here we all are…

So anyway…

Beneath a hidden dome at the North Pole lies the city of Santa’s Workshop.

Santa Clause, also known as Saint Nicholas of Myra, is an angel, or some kind of a cosmic entity, a foundational pillar of reality maybe, or perhaps the personification of a concept, I don’t know, but whatever he is, he’s basically just this side of a God, and pretty much President of Christmas for life. He is the one and the only.

In this film, he is portrayed like a cross between the traditional idea of Santa, a superhero, a beloved rock star, and a friend to children everywhere, as well as the US government. At one point, he even gets a fighter escort, but they can’t keep up with the speed and power of Santa’s flying reindeer—monstrous, snorting beasts with huge antlers—and his high-tech sleigh, which utilizes Einstein-Rosen bridges to travel between physical space. He’s known as Red One to his security detail, and above all else, he believes that cookies are the answer to everything.

In a nutshell… this is not your grandfather’s Santa, kid. 

The whole operation of Christmas is shown to run like a highly efficient and well-oiled machine. It’s like The West Wing meets Twenty-four. It’s a lot of walk and talks, noble intentions, and impressive demonstrations of precision job execution by the best of the best. It’s the basic fantasy idea of how people think government agencies or high-powered corporations run, even though the reality is that these organizations are mostly staffed by some of the dumbest, pettiest, and ridiculously unorganized assholes on the planet, but I digress… within this fantasy world riff on a real world idea that is firmly rooted in another fantasy world, schedule rules all, communication is constant, everything has an official sounding designation, and everyone has an official sounding title.

From the Mailroom to Santa’s Study, from Candy Cane Packaging to Mistletoe Hydroponics, these elves and trolls and talking polar bears work hard 364 days a year, all for that one day when they absolutely positively must deliver literal tons of gaily-wrapped presents, not to mention fresh Christmas cheer, to several billion individual domiciles, across 37 time zones, and all without ever being detected by a single human being. In order to pull this off seamlessly every year, they prep and rehearse every step, every moment, and every stop, down to the last chimney…

That’s basically the whole joke here.

Santa Claus: Delta Force Christmas.

But then a wrench is thrown in the works, because mere days before Christmas, some high-tech private contractor-looking commandos—guys who were probably skipped by Santa as kids—infiltrate Workshop City and kidnap Santa!

Oh, shit! It’s a Christmas emergency!

Enter M.O.R.A. (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), which is basically like S.H.I.E.L.D. in the Marvel Universe, or even better, the B.P.R.D. in Hellboy, or also, whatever the organization was called in The Mummy. In short, M.O.R.A. is a typical ultra top-secret global organization of far-reaching power and influence, dedicated to the protection and policing of the mythological world. They deal with shit like Bigfoot, or Loch Ness Monster, or the Headless Horseman… or Santa Clause, obviously. Or Snowmen.

Snowmen are bad guys apparently.

I don’t know if this means that kids should stop making them, or that Frosty was fucking lying to us with his happy birthday bullshit, but here, Snowman are shown to be big, brutish, lumbering monsters, a lot like the Cave Trolls in the Lord of the Rings. They run in packs, and sometimes use throwing star snowflakes that freeze anything they touch. They’re dangerous when riled, and to get them to relax, you have to pull off their carrot, which… to be fair, is true of all men, whether they’re made of snow or not.

In their own words, M.O.R.A. watches out for UDMs, which stands for Unauthorized Deployments of Magic. I’m not going to claim that this is an original twist on a familiar concept or anything; but I will admit to being a big fan of the basic idea, even when done poorly. It’s on my list of things I want to have made for me to watch and/or read, the central hub idea of a monster of the week/monster hunter show, but once again… I digress.

Callum Drift (Cal to his friends), is chief of security for Santa Claus, and the commander of E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics, and Fortification, or… Extremely Large and Formidable to his enemies), which is basically the Santa Secret Service. Cal has worked for Santa for over 500 years. Because Cal is a E.L.F. commander, he wears a Northern Vambrace, which gives him Ant-Man-like powers, so he can make things shrink or grow big. He can also use the Vambrace to make any toy real, so he “gears up” by using toys, like toy cars, a toy chicken named Ellen, even Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots (a clever little idea that was not used nearly enough), and to get around, he uses teleportation portals that link every toy store in the world. He’s a professional bad ass, and has also won Most Fun Gift Wrapper for 183 years in a row. He acts as a bodyguard, a protector, and a friend to Santa, as well as the reindeers, and to kids everywhere.

But… he’s also getting a little tired of the holidays.

Cal is disappointed in people’s lack of holiday cheer these days. He’s weary. He’s lost his joy. For the first time ever, there are more people who are on the Naughty List than not, and it’s like they don’t care. It’s frustrating. In short, he’s getting too old for this shit, and now, finally, this is his last Christmas. Cal is handing in his resignation.

Or at least, he was, until Santa was kidnapped.

With only a day or so until Christmas, M.O.R.A. Director Zoey is worried, she doesn’t want to have to inform the leaders of the world that there won’t be any Christmas. This means that Cal needs to get Santa back quickly, so he needs help, and that means one man…

Jack O’Malley.

Jack “The Wolf” O’Malley doesn’t believe in Santa.

Jack was always a very practical child, so from a young age, the whole idea of Santa, who he is and what he does, has seemed ludicrous to him. He refuses to believe it. It can’t possibly be true. Because of this, he grew up into an cynical and untrustworthy asshole of a con man, thief, and black hat hacker, not to mention an opportunist who is always running one step ahead of trouble, as well as a bit of a sociopath, a jerk, and worst of all, an absentee Dad. He’s a piece of shit. He literally takes candy from a baby! As a result, he’s what’s known as a Naughty Lister. A god damn Naughty Lister. A Level 4 Naughty Lister. Level 4! But Jack is also the best tracker in the world. He can find anyone or anything. Because of these skills, he’s also the guy who unknowingly—but still deliberately, because he was paid to do—found the location of Workshop City for the bad guys.

But while Cal and Jack may seem to be from different worlds, they’re both just a pair of dudes in sore need of some Christmas spirit, so despite their differences, they need to work together, find Santa, and save Christmas.

The creature behind this whole plot is Gryla. She is referred to in the movie as the Christmas Witch. She is a 900 year old shapeshifting Orge who looks like an evil version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

In Icelandic folklore, Gryla is a monstrous entity who lives out in the wilderness. She is generally depicted as an enormous troll-like crone. According to the stories, she was forced out of town and into a remote cave, so we’re obviously talking about a legend that is rooted in Pagan Priestesses and Medicine Women being vilified by invading Christian colonizers.

Like so many creatures of legend like this, Gryla mostly seems to be concerned with the snatching of misbehaving children, then carrying them off in her sack and devouring them, preferably in a stew. She has a lazy husband, and while he usually stays home in their cave while Gryla is out looking for bad kids to snatch, I assume he partakes in the stew. They also have a house pet known as the Yule Cat, which is a huge, vicious beast that lurks in the snow during Christmastime and eats anyone who hasn’t received any new clothes to wear before Christmas Eve. Gryla is also the mother of the Yule Lads, 13 mischievous pranksters who, in the 13 days before Yule, come one by one each night, and leave gifts in the shoes of the good children, and rotten potatoes in the shoes of the bad children. The Yule Lads also steal from and harass the local people, and each one has a descriptive name that reveals their preferred way to cause mischief, names like Spoon Licker, or Pot Scraper, or Door Slammer, or Sausage Swiper, or Window Peeper, and of course, Doorway Sniffer. Also, much like their mother, and so many other Yule-linked creatures of legend, the Yule Lads are also sometimes known to snatch bad kids too, because that’s the whole point of myths and legends and religions, right? Social control.

Anyway, a lot of this stuff doesn’t really come up in the movie. Instead, Gryla is known as the Christmas Witch, and if you say her name, she’ll hear, and she will come. Gryla’s plan is to suck the soul out of Santa, and not in the fun way, and then use his energy to make the world a better place. She means to do this by using the factories at Workshop City to duplicate a single magical artifact that is known as the Glaskafig, which means Glass Cage. The Glaskafig is a magical prison, a trap disguised as a snow globe, that will keep a person locked away within it in eternal solitude. She plans to use these duplicated Glaskafigs on every former and current Naughty Lister alive, no matter how briefly. So… basically everyone alive.

Gryla got the Glaskafig from Krampus, the Dark Lord of Winter.

Krampus is Santa’s estranged brother, and former partner. He’s basically a demigod, and one of the roots of the appearance of the modern day myth of Satan. Much like Gryla and the Yule Lads, he is known for taking misbehaving children, putting them in his sack, and then whipping the shit out of the sack. He probably eats them too, I’m not sure, but I assume so, as that’s basically a given.

In the film, Krampus is the originator of the Naughty List, but he started to get a little too zealous about punishing the children, and started doing it without Santa’s permission. This led to their falling out, and now Krampus is on house arrest in a hidden city much like Workshop City, but it’s scary, big time “Knott’s Scary Farm” vibes. The place is full of hellhounds, demons, and ogres, instead of candy canes, Christmas cheer, and tinsel. Krampus is a dark Scandinavian prince satyr in exile, a cross between a supervillain, a devil, a big sweaty Slavic guy, and a swaggering rock star. He parties endlessly, lolling about in leather pants, playing it up for his adorning court, all the while, biding his time to get revenge for his imprisonment. But, of course, just like the root of every problem in this country, because Krampus is Santa’s brother, he’s still invited to Christmas dinner.

Nobody wants to clean up their own house, I guess.

Finally, it’s elf versus ogre with Christmas on the line. Fisticuffs galore! Ho, ho, ho, mother fuckers, I’m gonna clean your clock for you! Free! Because it’s a gift! From me to you! Merry Christmas! No gift receipt, bitch! And when this big brouhaha is all over, Cal teaches Jack about prioritizing his kid, and Jack teaches Cal that the Naughty List isn’t forever. Together they learn a little bit about each other… and themselves.

In the end, Christmas is saved.

That means that Santa goes about his appointed rounds, rappelling from the sleigh like a graduate of Air Assault school, all while crate-laden and Christmas bedazzled blimps lurk high above the clouds, all across the globe, refueling Santa’s high-tech sleigh with bags of magically shrunk toys for ol’ Saint Nick to leave for the children of the world, and all while he refuels on the cookies… but not the macaroons.

Santa hates macaroons.

While ultimately nothing but harmless pap, another in a long line of lesser Men in Blacks, Red One isn’t a good film, or really all that entertaining. Not by any stretch. But it’s not bad either, of course. At least, it’s not badly made. It’s competently done, and the performances are all fine. It’s not bad, it’s just mediocre. It’s exactly what you’d expect, and absolutely nothing more. You could guess every single beat, and afterwards, you will forget them just as quickly. There’s nothing here that you haven’t seen a million times, done better, done worse, or simply just done before. In short, there’s simply no reason to watch this film.

I will say that it was nice to watch Sally Draper beat up the Rock.