Red Sonja

Red Sonja, a nomadic barbarian warrior, must battle her way free of the blood-soaked gladiator pits of a tyrant's empire, and rally an army of outcasts, in order to bring down the ruthless Emperor Dragan, all while dressed very appropriately.

Red Sonja is a sword-and-sorcery character created by writer Roy Thomas and artist Barry Windsor-Smith for Marvel Comics in 1973. She was partially inspired by Robert E. Howard's original character Red Sonya of Rogatino. Howard is well known as the creator of the character Conan the Barbarian.

He was also a racist and an antisemite.

Red Sonja of Rogantino first appeared in the story "The Shadow of the Vulture," a short story of Howard’s first published in January of 1934. Set in the 1520s, Sonja was a gun-slinging, swashbuckling warrior woman of Polish-Ukrainian origin with fiery red hair, a temper to match, and a fierce grudge against the Ottoman Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent.

Also known as Suleiman the Lawgiver, Suleiman the Magnificent is considered to be the most prominent monarch of the 16th Century, as he presided over the apex of the Ottoman Empire from 152o to 1566, a domain that stretched from the jagged peaks of central and southeastern Europe, to the steppes of Western Asia, and the deserts of north Africa. In 1533, Suleiman broke with tradition by marrying a red-headed Ukrainian woman from his harem named Roxelana, the first actual wife of a sultan in a couple hundred years. She became one of the most influential figures of the Ottoman Empire during this period, and the first in a long line that would become known as the "Sultanate of Women," a time where concubines, mothers, sisters, and grandmothers of the various sultans were sometimes able to exert extraordinary political influence.

In the short story, Roxelana is Red Sonja of Rogantino’s sister, and since Roxelana was originally taken as a slave for the Sultan's harem, I assume that this is the root of Red Sonja of Rogantino's beef with Suleiman the Magnificent.

In the comics, Sonja was a warrior woman from the Hyborian Age of Earth-616 who often crossed paths with Conan the Barbarian. In the years since, she has appeared in Marvel comics and in Dynamite comics, and has been written and drawn by a long list of well-known creators. She has lived and fought all across time, has died many times, and has been reincarnated just as many.

Such is the life of a comic book character…

Originally, back in 1972, artist Barry Windsor-Smith drew the character in a long-sleeved mail shirt and red silk hot pants. Silly? Yes. Kind of creepy? Yep. In no way providing any kind of protection in battle? Obviously.

What can I say? That’s… COMICS! (Jazz hands)

Not to be outdone when it comes to their blatantly super-horny nerd lust, later comic book creators took the original ridiculous outfit as a thrown gauntlet and made some changes. Now, as a result, at this point, maybe the most famous thing about the character is her chainmail bikini. With little regard for safety, comfort, or basic covering, or winter time, not to mention the general question of chafing, Sonja is almost always portrayed as wearing a very brief outfit made up of a few scraps of scale armor, a pair of tall boots, and some gloves.

Why? Because fuck you, that's why.

Red Sonja's origin story was finally told in the Marvel comic book, Kull and the Barbarians #3 in 1975, and was then later republished in The Savage Sword of Conan #78 in July of 1982, and since it was written by dudes… it involves rape.

In the comics, Red Sonja lives with her family on the wind-swept Western Hyrkanian steppes. When she was a young woman, a group of bandits attacked her homestead, killing her family, and burning down their house. Sonja is unable to lift her brother’s sword to defend anyone, and is attacked, raped, and left for dead by the bandits. Still alive the next day, Sonja pleads to the red goddess Scáthach—a deity cribbed from the tale of a legendary Scottish warrior woman who trains the Irish hero Cú Chulainn in the arts of combat—for revenge. Scáthach answers the call and gifts Sonja with her incredible fighting skills, but only on the condition that Sonja can never again lie with a man… unless he defeats her in fair combat.

I assume this means she can’t throw the fight too. She can’t just immediately drop as soon as she is bumped into, “Oh no! You’ve defeated me in fair combat, good sir, and now you must have me!” and then throwing her legs wide open expectantly, all while the guy is standing there, looking around, confused, like “Uh… I just wanted you to pass the salt, lady…” Many decades later, some comic book creators with a few slightly different kinks would create a loophole for the no doubt extremely sexually frustrated Red Sonja by establishing that she is bisexual.

This is known as The Éowyn Exception.

Also, just FYI, Red Sonja has appeared in the modern day version of Marvel’s main continuity for their comic books too.

This happened after Red Sonja’s descendant, Spider-man’s then girlfriend, Mary Jane “MJ” Watson, who is also a red head, and so therefore, related to Sonja, the original ginger, stumbles across Red Sonja’s sword.

Through the wonder of magic (jazz hands), for a time Red Sonja was able to possess MJ so that she could fight an evil sorcerer on the modern day streets of 1970s New York City, alongside our friendly neighborhood Spider-man.

That kind of stuff happens sometimes in the life of a superhero, or when your life is superhero adjacent.

I’ve never read this, but I imagine that, much like when Donald Blake slams the tip of his cane on the ground and transforms into Thor, Mary Jane probably touched the sword’s grip, there was a crack of lighting, and suddenly in her place there was a buxom and half-naked lady in a chainmail bikini. A real champagne problem for Spider-man, I guess.

Anyway, ever since the “success” of the 1985 movie version of Red Sonja, starring Brigitte Nielsen, a new version of Red Sonja has been in a near-constant stage of nascent development somewhere in Hollywood.

And in classic example of that age-old Hollywood story of a hot pitch not finding any traction and slowly tumbling down the ladder until it finally splashes down into the low budget gutter, for a time, this project was with Robert Rodriguez, who wanted to make it with Rose McGowan. That never happened. Then Simon West wanted to make it with Amber Heard. That never happened either. After bouncing around a bit, Bryan Singer was announced as the director of the film, but his plethora of sexual assault allegations quickly shut that whole effort down. Then Tasha Huo was hired to write a new script, with Joey Soloway signed on to direct, and Hannah John-Kamen starring. But then, that old saw of creative differences drove Soloway and John-Kamen away, and M.J. Bassett was signed on to direct, who rewrote Huo’s script, with Matilda Lutz as Red Sonja. And if by the end of that long list of names, you find yourself saying: "who?" well, that's exactly what I'm trying to illustrate here.

Filmed in Bulgaria and Greece, Red Sonja draws from multiple eras of the comic books. The film drops the rape origin, thankfully, but maintains her connection to a deity, and of course, it keeps the chainmail bikini.

So…

The Hyborian Age, a time before pants…

When Red Sonja was a child, her homeland of Hyrkania was invaded by raiders. They slaughtered her people, forcing her to flee into the vast woods. Separated from any other survivors, Sonja grows up alone in the forest, always searching for other Hyrkanians, all while worshipping the goddess Ashera.

Years later, gangs of poachers enter the forest, hunting animals for their horns, and also to collect monsters for gladiator games honoring the great Emperor Tony Stark, a strange, all-powerful sorceror who uses ancient secrets in order to create strange machines. Sonja follows the poachers back to their fort and opens a can of whoop ass on them for hurting the animals of the forest.

Or at least… she tries.

Unfortunately for Sonja, Emporer Tony Stark and his amazing mechanical machines are visiting the local fort the poachers work out of, and Emporer Stark’s right-hand ass-kickers are a pretty intimidating pair. One is Darth Baboon, and the other is a woman, who looks like Edgar Winter’s sister, and is haunted by all of the ghosts of the people she’s killed, and it’s a lot of ghosts.

And yes, Darth Baboon is a big baboon guy.

Anyway, they beat the tar out of Sonja.

Emperor Stark orders Sonja to be taken to the capital to fight in the games. The capital city looks like Castle Greyskull and Snake Mountain had a baby, and here we learn that Emperor Stark has built an Arc Reactor in order to power everything. He can do this because he has half of a Hyrkanian book of Reality Cheat Codes that that grant him ancient scientific knowledge, which enables him to harness arcane powers. He is currently scouring the world for the other half of the book.

If he finds it... woe to all.

That's when Emporer Stark discovers that Sonja has a map of her search for the lost Hyrkanian people, which covers the uncharted forest, and looks like she made it in Kindegarten. He believes that this map will lead him to the Hyrkanian people, who he believes have the missing text he seeks. Why he thinks this map will lead him to the Hyrkanian people when it's clearly stated as a map of all the places that Sonja has already looked and hasn't been able to find them, I don't know. I guess the film needed a reason for Emporer Stark to give a shit about some random dirty forest hippy with a knife.

Plus, how does she even have a map of the world, let alone a place called the "Uncharted" forest? Wouldn't the fact that it appears on a map mean that it has in fact been charted? Who made this map that Sonja is just putting big Xs on all over the place?

Forget it. Anyway....

So, in order to get Sonja to talk... which is a whole other thing, I mean talk about what? There seems to be a disconnect in the script with the fact that neither of the characters know where the Hyrkanian people are. If he knows Sonja is looking for them, then why does he think she knows where they are? She's looking for them! I don't get it. Maybe I dozed off, I don't know. Anyway... to get Sonja to talk, he puts her in with the other slaves who are forced to fight in the city's gladiator pits.

These slaves are a pretty motley crew of ne'er-do-wells and brawlers who have cynically accepted their lot life to fight and die for the amusement of the crowds. There's Big Guy, and his girlfrriend, Older Warrior Woman. There's Chick with the Weird Teeth and Baboon Lady (no relation to Darth Baboon). There's the cocky and handsome rogue, the Prince of Persia. There's three other women who snark amongst themselves. There's also Background Actor in a Viking Show Guy. There's also a bunch of no-shirt-wearing Redshirts. And of course, there's Not-Legolas.

Not-Legolas turns out to be Hyrkanian too!

What? This is crazy! They both knew the same song, which I think was the Hyrkanian version of "Lovefool" but maybe not. The weird thing is, Not-Legolas has no idea who Sonja is, despite them seemingly being the same age, and the fact that their village looked like it was pretty small, something neither one of them comment on, which was so weird, I figured Not-Legolas was actually a honey pot put their by the Emporer. But nope! Even better, Not-Legolas knows where the other Hyrkanians are! Now, obviously, this is something that has probably never been mentioned in front of the Emporer, as it would've negated the film's entire plot, but if we're being fair here, Not-Legolas doesn't wear various kinds of fantasy world bikinis, so y'know... who cares what that guy has to say anyway? My point is, who could've guessed that Sonja’s worst nightmare would actually turn out to be the place where her greatest dreams would finally come true.

Gosh, I hope Not-Legolas doesn’t die...

That said, these noble pit-fighters aren't too impressed with Sonja at first, but eventually her relentless moxie wins them over. So, when Sonja frees a monstrous and arc reactor-enslaved Cyclops during a fight, which them smashes its way out of the pit, giving them all a chance to escape, the gladiators decide, rather than going home or doing literally anything else, to join Sonja's cause of... finding her mom, I guess?

Chasing Sonja into the mountains, Emporer Stark promises to marry Edgar Winter's sister if she kills Sonja for him, which is all that lady ever really wanted, so she is extra excited about hunting down the escaped gladiators.

Sonja, meanwhile, plans to attack the same fort town from the beginning of the movie in order to draw Emporer Stark's much larger forces to them, so that her much smaller forces can face them in battle for reasons that aren't clear. Luckily, the Hyrkanians that Sonja has been searching for all her life randomly find Sonja, right then, and they're all like "Oh, shit... hey, there you are. We were wondering." Sonja's mom reveals that they actually do have the second half of the book that Emporer Stark seeks, which makes their terrible plan all the more terrible, since it now turns out that they're bringing the one thing he wants directly to him.

Also, just saying... but if Sonja's attacking the same fort from the beginning of the movie, meaning the area she was living in at the start of the film, and that's where the Hyrkanians run into her, does that mean that Sonja was just really, really bad at searching for her home village, or were the Hyrkanians avoiding her?

Whatever. Anyway...

Shockingly, the battle goes poorly, as Sonja's rag-tag little band is out-numbered and mostly made up of dumb hippies. Everyone is captured or killed and Emporer Stark gets the second half of the book, which turns out to be mostly about yoga and being nice to each other. Also Not-Legolas is killed, which is too bad, but if we're being honest here, now that the Hyrkanians have randomly bumped into Sonja in the woods, he doesn't really have much of a story function anymore. Plus, Edgar Wright's sister mortally wounds Sonja in battle.

In a nutshell, things are looking pretty grim for our heroes, people.

Luckily, Sonja's trusty horse drags her to a statue of the goddess Ashera, who then heals Sonja by bathing her in blood, which makes her hair even more red. I think it gives her super awesome fighting power too. Either way, now Red Sonja, in name and hair alike, charges back into battle, just killing mother fuckers left and right, often in slow motion, and often while shouting.

This is when the Prince of Persia arrives with the 11th hour save! Y'see, he really was a prince, and he brought his army! Why? I think because he wants to have sex with Sonja, so this is admittedly a pretty big flex on his part.

Meanwhile, Emporer Stark tells Edgar Winter's sister that he was just kidding about the whole marriage thing, and they end up stabbing each other. She dies, and a mortally wounded Stark stumbles into the woods, where Sonja finds him. He then reveals he is also Hyrkanian, and that they knew each other as kids, and that all of his bad guy stuff is because he was mad that they got separated while running from the raid and he got caught and she didn't, so really... everything he's done has been her fault, right? Sonja agrees, and forgives him before he dies.

Afterwards, Sonja apparently just wanted to know where the Hyrkanians were, so now that she does, she takes off and wanders the world. In an epilogue, Sonja is busy doing the Marian Ravenwood bar scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark in a snowy mountain tavern when some random guy shows up and tells her that they need her. Upon hearing this, Sonja gets up, and walks slowly out the door...

Roll credits.

The main question that the normies always ask when it comes to Red Sonja is... why does she wear a chainmail bikini? They ask this all incredulous, performing for the world as if they're the most insightful motherfucker ever born and the first person in the history of non-comic book reading humanity to notice this abject bit of ridiculousness. Fucking Sir Issac Newton over here going: "How is that outfit any protection in battle?" like they're a fucking expert on the subject of ancient warefare–as if their dumbass could run 10 feet, let alone swing a warhammer in a muddy field–and all as if there's any real answer that can satisfy this question.

Short answer? Shut up.

Long answer? There's no real practical or reasonable reason why. None. We all know this. Everyone knows this. We're all aware. And even those of us who don't read her comics don't really care. I mean, sure, there's multiple story reasons, but they're all just dumb bullshit meant to half-assedly provide cover for the fact that Red Sonja is basically the comic book character version of a Hooters restaurant. Why does she wear a chainmail bikini? Boobs, you dummy. Boobs. Also, butts.

Duh.

The film tries to make a thing out of it, going for the ol' having their cake and eating it too angle, by pretending like her wearing the chainmail bikini is just her “taking her own power" and putting out multiple statements of how the film denies the male gaze, all while Sonja's all oiled up and super toned and half-naked and like, doing stretches and shit. So that whole aspect fails, because it’s dumb. You could serve deconstructed BBQ wings on small plates, and it'd still be a Hooters. Fanservice is always gonna be just that, people... fanservice.

Additionally, the film tries to incorporate some vaguely feminist themes, all while hand-waving in the general direction of environmental consciousness, into its very mid-2000s looking fantasy, but there's no hiding how cheesey and dull and half-assed this too obviously low budget film is, especially as it begins to drag on. In the end, it's just an inconsistent sword-and-sandal epic that is too hampered by its too hacked up Frankenstein's monster of a script with a lot of inferred character arcs that maybe were more complete in the earlier versions, but probably weren't. How does Sonja suddenly become a great warrior in the pits? She just did. How did she become the leader of this rag-tag rabble of ex-gladiators? Because she's there. And that's on top of the weird hard-right patriarical turn it takes at the end, insinuating that if Sonja had just smiled at the Emporer more, he might have been nicer.

Still, I do love seeing Robert Sheehan, one of the best parts of some otherwise all-around great shows like Misfits and Umbrella Academy, even if it is in this cheap wannabe Xena spin-off, that tries way too hard to ape LOTR’s war of clean pastoral living vs the Industrial Revolution.

And not that this film is all bad either. It's dumb, but fun. If you like Conan’s the Barbarian, which I do… if you like Conan the Destrpyer, which I do… If you like Beast Master, which I do. If you liked Dragon Slayer, which I do. If you liked Hawk the Slayer, which I do. If you liked Bridget Neilson’s Red Sonja, which I do… you’ll maybe like this new version at least a little bit for a while. But that said, I want you to understand this... Red Sonja's kitschy charm can only carry it so far, and by the end, you'll be glad that it's over.