Satanic Hispanics

When the police raid a house in El Paso, Texas, they find a massacre waiting for them. Dozens of dead bodies strewn about, and one man, the lone survivor, chained to a wall. The man warns the cops of impending doom, telling them tales of other worlds, of myths and legends, and of demons and the undead.

In the… admittedly somewhat lackluster tradition of films like Twilight Zone, Creepshow, Tales from the Darkside, Tales from the Hood, Tales of Terror, Tales from the Crypt, Grim Prairie Tales, Trick r’ Treat, Trilogy of Terror (which is that one with the really creepy puppet that chases the woman around her apartment), and the V/H/S series, Satanic Hispanics is a horror anthology film, the kind of movie where one main story serves as a vehicle through which to showcase multiple short horror films.

This is basically an homage to the type of thing EC comics were known for back in the 50s. EC comics (not to be confused with DC comics) featured a lot of genres, war, horror, fantasy, sci-fi, adventure, often told with shock endings that leaned heavily on karmic justice, and were also surprisingly socially conscious for the time, at least… on occasion, sometimes featuring anti-war stories, or stories that advocated for racial equality, or were for nuclear disarmament, or pro-environmentalist, even seeming to anticipate the Civil Rights Movement and 1960s counterculture at times, but just to be clear, that was “on occasion.” Mostly, it was stuff like this…

EC was hugely popular in the early 50s, dominating the comic book market, but then, just like always in America, the usual bunch of rabid, pearl-clutching, fear-mongering, entitled idiot White Christian assholes stirred up a nonsense fake controversy, based on a grifter quack’s book of poorly researched and deliberately manipulated data that supported largely baselessly claims about the effects of “violent imagery” in comics on the development of children. The book was called The Seduction of the Innocent, and these censorious authoritarians glomed onto this as their raison d'être of the moment, and unleashed their puritanical anger on EC comics, and comic books in general, all in the name of “protecting the children.”

This is, of course, one of White Christian America’s most favorite things to do, to “protect the children,” (after burning crosses on front lawns, of course) and as always, these slavering dullards got their way, because that’s exactly what America was built to facilitate, which effectively ended horror comics in America, and specifically shut down EC Comics. This not only led to the general domination of superhero comics that we see in the American comic book industry now, but it also gave rise to something called the Comics Code Authority, a regressive and oppressive mandate that impeded the medium for decades… all for the sake of the children.

Just another day in America…

Anyway, Satanic Hispanics was at Fantastic Fest in 2022, and it won the award for Best Director(s) under the horror category, going to the film’s ensemble that includes Mike Mendez, Demian Rugna, Eduardo Sánchez, Gigi Saul Guerrero, and Alejandro Brugues, all of whom are listed on the poster as “Latino AF” which means “as fuck” for all the Boomers out there. The fact that they’re latino is important, because that’s the aim of the film… horror stories told from a latino point of view, featuring myths and legends grounded in latino culture.

I didn’t go to Fantastic Fest in 2022, but I heard about the awards, of course, so I’ve been looking forward to checking this one out.

To start, the anthology’s overarching story centers on a man named Juan. He is the lone survivor in the house full of dead people.

Juan has a rap sheet that stretches back for decades, decades and decades, more than you’d think is possible for a man who looks as he does. Even stranger still, according to the official records, he died in 1997, and yet… here he sits. He tells the cops that he goes by many names, but most people know him as El Viajero, The Traveler, and he is actually 542 years old. He claims that he was born as Matlalihuitl Chalchiuhtlatona, in Tenochtitlan, in the old Aztec Empire, and that he’s roamed the world ever since. He speaks many languages and he knows many secrets. A wandering backroads magician of sorts, with a pocketful of odd trinkets and magical relics, he’s basically immortal, and has walked in the shadow world that exists beneath our own for a very long time.

Which is honestly kind of awesome. I love it.

Juan also claims that nothing can kill him, nothing except for San la Muerta…

San la Muerte is an old Columbian god of death that Juan owes a favor to, and he is always chasing Juan. He tells the cops who are interrogating him, that if they don’t let him go in the next 90 minutes… San la Muerte will catch up to him, and that they’ll be looking to collect on that debt he owes, which means everyone here will end up dead.

So to pass the time, he has a few stories to tell…

A story about a Rubik’s Cube prodigy whose ability to solve puzzles led to him figuring out how to use movement, light, and shadow to open a door to the world of the dead. It’s a fascinating trick at first, a strange novelty, until something manages to crawl through…

A story about a vampire who has one night a year when he can enjoy himself in public, but while he was eating an entire Halloween party, he realizes that he forgot about Daylight Savings time, and is faced with no end of problems while trying to get home before sunrise. But whether he makes it or not, one thing is for sure, his Tide Stain Stick is not going to be able to get the blood out of his favorite ruffled shirt…

A story about a man who worked for the CIA, a man who helped to take a down a political leader, a man who is now lying low, waiting for his ticket out of the country, to America, and a life of freedom. But he has run afoul with a Nahual shaman and her people, shapshifters able to turn into their animal spirits, and they have found him…

And finally, a story about Malcolm, a white guy, who, along with his friends, recorded a secret religious ceremony while on Spring break, and accidentally unleashed a horde of demons. The demons have now picked them off, one by one, until only Malcom and Amy are left. When Amy invites Malcom to dinner to discuss recent events, he senses a trap, so he comes prepared, which means guns. Lots of guns. And also a trench coat. AND… he also has the Hammer of Zanzibar, the most deadly weapon in all the realms of hell, which is a large stone phallus. The problem being, of course, when you mess around with a giant demon cock… in the end, you get fucked.

Eventually, the 90 minutes pass, and San le Muerte shows up, and proceeds to do a nice little riff on the Terminator’s raid on the police station. Luckily, the El Paso cops have a certain magic gun in their evidence locker, and Juan has a certain magic bullet in his pocket, so… things work out.

Whew.

Like most horror annthology films, Satanic Hispanic has a lot of things going for it. It’s splattery good fun, the effects and costumes are great, and the episodic nature of the anthology means that it doesn’t really overstay its welcome either, as every twenty minutes or so, it’s got something new and fresh going on. There’s some good comedy here too, like when the vampire has to enthrall a pair of cops who have their guns on him, in order to avoid being arrested for eating a bunch of douchebag bros, but he can only enthrall one person at a time, which leads to a pretty classically funny gag.

BUT…

Also like most horror anthology films, the sum total is underwhelming at best. The film is much more of a comedy than it is a horror film, which is going to disappoint most horror fans, and a lot of the comedy is either too broad, or way too sophomoric and obvious to be considered all that funny, and honestly, the stories themselves aren’t all that great to begin with for the most part.

In the end, it’s fine. Satanic Hispanics is fine.

If this is your thing, you’ll mildly enjoy it.