The Devil Conspiracy

A powerful biotech company discovers breakthrough technology that allows it to clone history's most influential people. A cabal of Satanists steal the shroud of Turin, putting them in possession of Jesus Christ's DNA, intending to use the technology to create the ultimate sacrifice to the devil. Hoping to save mankind, the Archangel Michael comes to Earth to stop “the devil's conspiracy” once and for all.

Eons ago, the Archangel Michael, the Hound of Heaven, chained Lucifer in Hell as punishment for his rebellion against God.

Eons later, a Satanic cabal plans to clone and then sacrifice the 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn baby infant Jesus, who doesn’t even know a word yet, but is still omnipotent in his golden diapers, in order to free Lucifer from his chains in Hell. Michael hears about this, and is like “Ezekiel 25:17” because that’s some cold shit to say before you kill a motherfucker. He then possesses the body of a dead priest, puts on a leather trench coat and a hoodie, loads up on guns… lots of guns… and then proceeds to kick the unholy shit out of the bad guys.

When it comes to Bible stuff in film and TV, other than the occasional Righteous Gemstones or Noah, I’m generally sight-unseen Not Interested. In Western Culture, especially in America, Christianity is treated as too precious and pure to take the kind of narrative liberties with its stories that Western pop culture otherwise does with every other religion and belief system out there, so most of the time, whenever there’s a Christian Myth-based movie, you mostly end up with something that is stodgy and self-righteous, presumptuous too, not mention culty.

No thanks.

So, I appreciated The Devil Conspiracy for treating biblical mythology as mythology: exciting tales of heroes and monsters, of the ancient struggle of good vs evil, all waged by God-like superheroes…

As far as that goes, The Devil Conspiracy is pretty good.

This film basically has everything you could want. War of angels? Check. Father John Wick? Check. A general aesthetic vaguely reminiscent of 2003’s Vampire vs Werewolf magnum opus Underworld? Double Check. A Demon brute beheading a courtyard of Satanists with a massive blade it swings on the end of a long chain? CHH-ECK! The holy mother surprise-spraying Michael in the face with amniotic fluid? God help us all… check. A needle drop of “Devil Inside” by INXS? An unexpected and very much appreciated check.

So, all of that’s good too, but…

For all its craziness, The Devil Conspiracy ended up feeling pretty restrained. There’s some funny lines and some fun ideas, but the action is kind of dull, and really, that’s what we’re here for, right? And those fun ideas? Pretty much wasted. This film just needed to be bolder and more bad ass. But, caught between its obvious desire for wild abandon, and the siren call of blockbuster success—the kind that only really comes as long as you don’t upset White Christian America, the most consumer-oriented and easily offended demographic, especially when they think they’re being mocked, or might not be the ones being primarily served—the film pulls off neither.

Too damn bad.