The Golden Child

A young Tibetan boy, the mystical Golden Child, is kidnapped from his Himalayan temple by an evil English sorcerer, a man who is somewhat inexplicably named Sardo Numspa. If the evil sorcerer is able to ritually sacrifice the Golden Child, the whole world will be consumed in darkness. To stop this, a lone priestess follows prophecy across the world to Los Angeles, seeking the Chosen One, the one person who will not only save the child, but the entire world. But upon finding them, the child’s fate, not to mention the entire world, seems very much in doubt, as the Chosen One turns out to be Chandler Jarrell, a fast-talking, street-wise Private Detective, a man who specializes in finding lost children, but is also very skeptical of the supernatural.

The Golden Child is a basically the forgotten Eddie Murphy film.

Hailing from an era when Eddie Murphy could do no wrong at the Box Office, long before Pluto Nash, this is the film that proved that he could, in fact, do wrong. It made money, but it was (deservedly) critically-panned and mostly dismissed by audiences. I was pretty sure I had never seen this film before, but after watching it, I’m now pretty sure that not only have I seen it before, I think I’ve seen it multiple times, and also, it’s very likely that every time I have watched it, I did so specifically because I was under the impression that I had somehow never seen it before.

Because if there’s one thing that is most definitely true when it comes to The Golden Child, it’s that it’s forgettable.

The film is set in the 80s, a time when gas was $0.74 a gallon, and people smoked a lot while indoors. It was a time when L.A. seemed to have more of a distinct identity, and felt less like a big mall. It was a city of transplants, all come from somewhere to live in sunshine in a funky exile. Nothing but midwestern ladies, high-heeled and faded, all driving sleek new sports cars with their New York cowboys. Also, at least according to the film’s L.A. setting montage, roller-skating was apparently very popular with Los Angelinos.

So, yeah… Eddie Murphy, determined to wear a leather Kufi throughout the film, is a Private Detective who specializes in finding children. He is convinced to find a young boy with magical powers by a beautiful priestess, before an evil sorcerer can figure out how to sacrifice the boy to the Devil. The problem is that the mystery Eddie follows is not a mystery in any way at all, and almost seems like it was leftover from an earlier version of the script. There’s also a good amount of half-assed kung-fu, some “Eddie Murphy-style jokes,” a love story that only seems to happen because there’s a woman regularly standing near the male main character, and, even for the 1980s, there’s a surprisingly large amount of pretty problematic cultural depictions.

There’s also one scene where the priestess’ white shirt is completely soaked see-through while she stands there getting sprayed by water like “oh no, what do I do?” Boob reveal! And there’s another scene where bad guys break in as she’s getting ready for bed, so she fights pantless, both scenes are so blatantly “horny teenager” deliberate that I was actually kind of impressed by the audacity.

The film does have some other pluses too…

The legendary James Hong makes an appearance, as does the always impressive Victor Wong. Notably, that same year, both of them also appeared in this film’s main competition, Big Trouble in Little China, which was a much better film all around. A young Tywin Lannister plays the evil sorcerer, the inexplicably named Sardo Numspa, and the guy who would play the bounty hunter in Raising Arizona the following year is one of his henchmen. The most welcome surprise, of course, was the moment when we hear the voice of the Devil, and it is clearly the voice of Dr. Claw from the Inspector Gadget cartoon.

Another thing I noticed? The Ajanti Dagger, the film’s prophesied Weapon of Legend (pictured below, left), looks a lot like the Phurba Dagger, the prophesied Weapon of Legend from the movie The Shadow (pictured below, right). Both films are partially set in the “mystical far orient.”

Do you think they’re Cousin Daggers? Probably, right? Like, their Sword Moms are sisters, I bet.

Anyway, the bottom line here is that the script to The Golden Child is badly written, the film’s pacing is terrible, and the tone is so uneven, I’d almost believe it was built out of footage from multiple half-completed and then abandoned movies. It’s just a badly conceived and poorly executed film.

BUT…

It’s also very ambitious film, and while it’s very much in over its head when it comes to the effects it wanted to do, the core idea is… not bad. Honestly, I think the reason I never saw this film as a kid is because everyone said it was terrible—and they weren’t wrong—but if I had, I think I would’ve loved it. There’s kernels of good ideas here, it’s just that they don’t fit together well, and are mostly buried in shit, but still… there’s at least some potentially good ideas here.

I’d be interested in seeing an updated remake of this idea that was done with a reworked (and much better) script. I think if this was given a second shot, maybe with some more talented—and generally interested—parties both in front of, and behind the camera, I think it could maybe work. Maybe. We’ll probably never find out, but still… I’d be interested. But yeah, that’s it, just vaguely interested in the possibility. As it stands, The Golden Child is a very bad and very forgettable film, so I ask a favor… if I ever bring it up, remind me…

I have definitely watched The Golden Child.