The Radleys

A seemingly average family, the Radleys have a secret: they're vampires. Living amongst humanity, they work to keep their bloody proclivities under control, but they can only abstain for so long before the truth comes out and turns their quiet country life upside down.

Peter and Helen Radley are bloodsucking vampires in recovery. They are also the parents of a pair of teenagers, a son and daughter named Rowan and Clara. Peter and Helen have kept their sanguine heritage from their children for their entire lives, hiding it beneath a mask of suburban normalcy.

But when Clara accidentally discovers her true vampiric self, after she eats a teenage boy who tries to rape her, the couple calls on Will, Peter’s Rock ‘n Roll Lothario twin brother. The hope is that Will, who embraces his vampire heritage and lives a somewhat more active and traditional vampire life, will be able to help them to introduce the kids to their new reality.

Will soon arrives in a scumbag RV that looks like it smells like old man butt and stale pot, and very quickly becomes a bad influence on the teens. Both Rowan and Clara are struggling with their new lives as vampires, and despite what Peter and Helen would like, they’re also attracted to the dangerous allure of the freedom and power that comes with being a creature of the night. Peter and Helen fear that, if they’re not careful, this could end up exposing them all to the world.

Will, meanwhile, is totally cool with that.

This is an especially dangerous time for this particular vampire "coming-of-age" struggle though, as they’re still trying to cover up the fact that Clara ate a teenage rapist, all while the cops are sniffing around.

Plus, Rowan is gay, and is quietly lusting after the handsome new teenage neighbor boy, Evan. This wouldn’t otherwise be a big deal, if not for the fact that Evan’s dad is a disgraced cop, a man who was forced into early retirement due to his obsessive insistence that vampires are real, as well as a man who is positive that the Radleys are all vampires.

All of this, while Helen struggles with an old secret, one that could threaten her and Peter’s marriage…

Based on the novel by Matt Haig, The Radleys is a strangely sedate and bland vampire horror comedy that can’t quite figure out its tone, its theme, or its intent, and in the end, it’s only real upside is that finally ends.

I was interested in this film going in. I really did want it to be good, but it’s only a disappointment. It’s never scary, and it's only funny in a brief chuckle kind of way, and only then on occasion.

For all of its somewhat familiar set-up and easy soft-toss comedic pitch, this film really lacks any kind of mirth or mischief. It’s dull. It's boring. And this is despite multiple potential metaphors that it could possibly dig into, whether it be struggles with addiction when it comes to drinking blood, or the fear of continuing the cycle of family abuse when it comes to passing on vampiric traits to the next generation, not to mention the idea that vampires living in secret among humanity being akin to queer folks living in the closet, and all of this is in addition to the plethora of less heavy themes, like getting older and not recognizing yourself in the mirror, or with not being accepted by other kids, or the search for your true self, and the perils and pitfalls of teenage rebellion, or even how rules are for suckers… or perhaps more accurately here… how rules are for the non-suckers.

There’s plenty of potential, and the film uses none of it.

The vampires in this film don't make sense either. They seem to be traditional vampires, but also aren't, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason why either. The filmmakers (and presumably the source novel too) cherrypick traditional traits in order to come up with a weird creature they call a vampire, that is recognizable as a vampire, and then inferring, or just leaving the difficult parts unsaid, instead of trying to address the awkwardness of abiding by some rules but not others, and clearly for no other reason than they are determined to make this idea of vampires living in the suburbs as a metaphor for mundane family issues work, even though it doesn't, and the main reason why is specifically because vampires are vampires and everyone already knows what that means, but the film decides not to do some of that stuff, and seemingly arbitrarily, all while also refusing to acknowledge this deviation from long-ingrained expectations. In short, this square peg is gonna fit in this god damn round hole, even if it means breaking everything.

This isn't an uncommon approach, especially with writers who get too enamored with what they think is a super clever idea, who then refuse to acknowledge when it just isn't working, and also aren't clever enough to figure out a way to deal with it in the story, so they try to cheat instead, tossing those hard parts out a window and driving away, hoping no one notices, but we do... we always do. Like when you're reading a book and it's clear that the writer has never even seen a gun in real life, let alone fired one, or even held one, not to mention the fact that they have clearly never served in the military, and yet, they decided to write an Army story, there's no hiding when the details are off. It's a simple, cruel, and undeniable truism as a writer... someone will always see through your bullshit and bluffing, someone will always see the little man behind the current manipulating the levers and pulleys, so when it comes to real world stuff, you want to try to keep it to a minimum.

Obviously, vampires are not "real world" stuff, but the fact remains, you just can't cheat at this kind of shit. Everyone knows and understands the rules and tropes of vampires, that's what's so great about them. You can plop vampires down into any situation, and you don’t need to spend a lot of effort setting them up. You just say the word “vampires” and you’re good, everyone knows the score, so you’re able to just hit the ground running. I'll never understand why a creator would try to push back against these ready and willing expectations. Lean into it. Don't fight it. But then, as a famous vampire hunter says: "Some motherfuckers are always trying to iceskate uphill." I can only assume the ignorance and arrogance of the creators in question is so blinding, that they know so little, they have entered a level where they don't even know it's possible that that they don't know things.

Why would you want to create a vampire story, but not actually use vampires?

So, anyway, that's what this dull as a dishrag film tries to do, change the rules up, rejecting the ones that would be more difficult for their story, and not even making a bare attempt at any explanation. Even Twilight gave an alternate explanation for why its vampires could go out in the sun. It was dumb, sure, but at least they tried to explain it. And yes, vampires are fictional creatures, and there's no law that says you have to stick with "the rules," but if you can't understand how not sticking to them will only needlessly create questions for your audience that may impede their enjoyment of your story, that all you’re doing is throwing a wrench into an already smoothly running pop culture machine... then you might be a hack. Why create that problem? What's the upside? There's certainly nothing in this film that could be used as evidence for why it might be a good idea.

Obviously, these vampires drink blood. Much like how being the recently reanimated dead is a required rule for zombies, drinking blood is a required rule for vampires, and this is a necessary part of the film, as they half-assedly attempt to use it as a metaphor for substance abuse problems, so yes, this is part of being a vampire in this movie. Except that... it seems like drinking blood is not required for a vampire to survive. In this movie, it's treated more like a heroin addicition, where they just really, really like it, and if they're not careful, that craving can get out of control, which is fine, BUT... they do seem to get enhanced from drinking blood. Yes, this can be seen as a metaphor for getting high, but it also seems to give them actual powers, vampire type powers, and they also get these powers on top of abilities they already have too. So, are they humans with a blood drinking problem, or are they more like the mythical creatures known as vampires? They seem to lean towards normal humans with a blood drinking problem, but then why are they so much stronger than humans? Why are they able to cast glamours on humans? The film never explains this. Why do these vampires have an aversion to garlic, and why do they need an invitation to enter a person’s house, but they have reflections, and also, maybe most maddeningly, are not bothered by the light of the sun at all? It's so random and arbitrary and the pieces don't fit, and as the audience, you're left wondering about rules that usually are easily understood, and as I said, I don't get it. It’s like making a cake and not using sugar, what’s the fucking point? Just use a different creature and don't call them a vampire if you don't want the vampire baggage.

Bottom line... The Radleys is some hacky bullshit. Slow. Dull. Not worth your time. This clunker is a hard pass. If you're interested in watching a vampire film, there’s better ones out there.