The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Mustachioed plumbers and well-know brothers, Mario and Luigi, as well as Princess Peach, Toad the Mushroom, and Donkey Kong, must stop the evil Koopa King Bowser from taking over not just the Mushroom World, but Brooklyn too.

Is there a point to reviewing a film like this?

It was certainly successful. In fact, chances are pretty much all of you probably saw it already. Barbie has grossed a billion dollars plus globally, it’s a runaway hit, but as of this writing, Super Mario Bros is only sixty million dollars behind it, as the second highest grossing film of the year, at least as far as domestic grosses are concerned.

And even if there’s someone out there who hasn’t seen this film, and is still deciding whether or not to bother, are they really going to be like: “I’m not going to the Super Mario Bros movie, man. I read this random guy’s review, and he said it’s an exceeding, albeit inoffensively, mediocre nostalgia-fest cacophony, driven wholly by IP-specific references, lacking in any creatively daring decisions, and only stands out for being so emblematic of the soulless money-making machine that Hollywood studios aspire to… so, nah, son… I’ll pass.”

That person doesn’t exist.

And that’s not to say that it’s an awful film either.

I mean, yeah, sure, it’s an exceeding, albeit inoffensively, mediocre nostalgia-fest cacophony, driven wholly by IP-specific references, lacking in any creatively daring decisions, and only stands out for being so emblematic of the soulless money-making machine that Hollywood studios aspire to, but still, it’s also “fun for the whole family” in a way that is… fine.

As a film, it’s all very much… okay.

I will admit one thing though, being as I am the current and undisputed reigning champion of GLAAMKA (The Greater Los Angeles Area Mario Kart Association - N64 Division), and as a result, the official bearer of the Silver Crown of Glory, and Splendid Spitter-Upon the Pathetic Mewlings of the Video-Butt, this film carries a special meaning for me, and it will be nice to see my boy Yoshi the Dragon show up in the inevitable sequel.

But also, I can’t help but note, in the screeching din of this nostalgic-maelstrom, the one thing that was very obviously missing? A reference to the Nintendo Blow.

Pshaw… dilettantes.