The Sword and the Sorcerer

In a war-torn kingdom, a mercenary with a three-bladed sword is recruited to help a princess foil the designs of a brutal tyrant and a powerful sorcerer.

A three-bladed sword? That sounds dumb as shit.

Oh, but it’s directed by Albert Pyun, you say? As in the king of quality schlock Albert Pyun? The Albert Pyun who gave us such iconic pieces of cinema as Cyborg, Nemesis, and Cyborg Nemesis: The Dark Rift? The Albert Pyun who gave us the 1990 version of Captain America where the Red Skull is inexplicably Italian, and Cap’s mask has fake ears for some reason? The 1990 version of Captain America that has the superhero, in full costume, fake car sickness in order to get the car to pull over, then stumble away from the car, feigning sickness, all to lure the driver away from the car, so that he can than run back, jump into the driver’s seat and drive away, stealing the car, not once, but twice?

You son of a bitch… I’m in.

One hour and forty minutes later…

The Sword and the Sorcerer is one of those 1980s fantasy films that after watching it… I’m not sure if I’ve seen it before or not. I think I have. Maybe late night on cable? Or maybe while flipping channels? It definitely looked familiar at times, but that could be due to the fact that I’ve seen the cover to this film a million-billion times on the shelf of every video store I’ve ever been in my entire life.

One of the taglines I came across for this film is: “A kingdom ruled by evil. A princess enslaved by passion. A warrior driven by justice.”

Enslaved by passion?

What does that mean? I saw the film. I actually watched it. I know what happens to the princess during the film, her character arc, her motivation, all that, so… What does that even mean? “Enslaved by passion.” I mean, I guess they couldn’t put “A princess who is also there,” but they could’ve at least chosen something that made a little more sense in the context of the movie. “A princess who gets sexually assaulted by a snake!” But maybe that would be a little off-putting... “A princess who… has hair.”

I dunno… Something.

I know what you’re asking… Is that a shirtless Joe Regalbuto, who played Frank Fontana on the beloved 1980s sitcom Murphy Brown?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Another puzzling aspect of this film is how it makes a big deal about the demon sorcerer—and let me just pause a moment here to say that the faces of the damned on the side of his crypt were awesome—but early on in the film, the sorcerer is betrayed and left for dead, and after that, he’s basically not in the film at all. Except for a brief scene where he is shown to still be alive, and understandably a little miffed about the whole betrayal thing, he doesn’t show up again until the end. And when he does show up again, it’s completely out of left field, almost as if he was an after-thought on the part of the screenwriters.

Which I’m pretty sure he was. Look how shocked the princess is to see him!

And yet, he’s featured prominently on the poster.

Also, the titular Sorcerer is played by none other than Richard Moll, who played Bull on the beloved 1980s sitcom Night Court, so that’s a weird disconnect to have while watching the movie…

This film is basically unwatchable.

The wigs are terrible in the way where they’re hellishly awful, but also… incredible? Unfortunately, while they’re all wearing those wigs, most of the actors look alike in a way that gets really confusing really quickly, especially under torchlight, when they’re all wearing pieces of glitter armor and loin clothes.

Is this the same person? I don’t know.

Maybe?

Otherwise, the movie is mostly concerned with the kind of deep dive fantasy world nonsense-plot stuff that’s just a poorly cobbled together stew of jibber-jabber and some similarly named characters and fake kingdoms, all mixed in with a handful of real life ancient world references, and done in a way that makes the whole story particularly difficult to keep track of.

Also, yeah, that three-bladed sword is dumb as shit, but it’s dumb as shit in some unexpected ways that are actually kind of impressive. Like, wow… that is dumb. But, hey, at least we now know where Rob Liefeld got the idea.

KACHUDTH!

I wouldn’t recommend this film to anyone except for those of us who are here specifically to appreciate its gaudy schlock and campy performances. Does it look good? Sometimes, actually, yeah it does. There’s a red-shaded slow motion fight that’s kind of amazing. And what about the schlock, you ask, is that awesome too? Yeah, at times there’s a couple of pretty cool things, like the previously mentioned faces on the side of the sorcerer’s tomb. Plus, some of the inexplicably glamrocky outfits are pretty great too, but… it’s all too few and too far between.

For the most part, the film is just bad drivel.

Unfortunately, where Dragonslayer was an underrated gem, The Sword and the Sorcerer was an underwhelming bore, nothing but a pretty typically bombastic 80s fantasy film full of helmet hair, bad props, unimpressive fight choreography, and pre-plastic surgery-era video vixen boobs. It is a film that definitely deserved its fate to be forgotten, to disappear into the back shelves of dusty old video stores decades ago.

Look at them… They’re mocking you for taking the time to watch this film. You dumb bastard. You absolute fool.