The Wrecking Crew

Estranged half-brothers Jonny and James reunite after their father's mysterious death, when it becomes apparent that he was murdered. As the brothers search for the truth, a secret conspiracy threaten to tear their family apart.

Last Saturday, as the winter winds blew cold, and the world was busy ending just outside of my window, I decided to take a gummy, order Hawaiian takeout (some spam musabi, some macaroni salad, some hurricane fries, and some chicken katsu curry), and watch a dumb action movie, one set in Hawaii preferably. I wanted the kind of film where it begins with the camera pushing in towards a dark Hawaiian night to the song “Paradise City“ by Guns ‘n Roses, and then ends with the camera pulling away from the beautiful beaches of the Aloha State to the song “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins. I wanted the kind of film that oscillates quickly between the rapid-fire beat of glib witticisms and automatic gunfire, where the heroes respond to the frankly incredible amount of death they cause, both directly and indirectly, in a wryly bemused, and yes, somewhat sociopathic, but also kind of endearing way... so I watched The Wrecking Crew.

It was just what I needed.

When Private investigator Walter Hale is killed in an apparent hit and run in Hawaii, his sons—estranged half-brothers, who are also estranged from their father—are informed of his tragic death. James Hale is a former Navy SEAL turned drill instructor who lives in Hawaii with his child psychologist wife, Leila, and two precocious but vaguely characterized children. Jonny Hale is James’ half-brother, a loose-cannon police detective on an Oklahoma reservation, recently suspended from his job, who was also recently dumped by his girlfriend Valentina on her birthday, after she asked him what day it was and he answered: “Wednesday?”

Although initially ambivalent about Walter's passing due to their non-existent relationship, when some wild Yakuza thugs appear and attack Jonny in his home, believing that Walter sent Jonny a package, Jonny realizes there’s more than meets the eye to his father’s passing, and decides to head to Hawaii to figure out what’s what, and who is behind it. Jonny is reunited with James at the funeral, where he meets James’ family, and their cousin Nani too, who works for longtime family friend Governor Peter Mahoe, who speaks at Walter’s funeral.

Jonny and Jimmy do not get along.

At first, the pair investigate Walter's death separately, but both end up at his ransacked apartment, where they meet his assistant Pika, and find out that Walter had hidden some plans for a casino. With Nani's help, they discover that the casino is backed by a shitty wealthy white guy named Marcus Robichaux, who wears a shitty little samurai-like ponytail, and who intends to build the casino on protected Hawaiian home lands. Obviously... Robichaux is the main bad guy, and the plan, and everyone who is involved is then immediately apparent.

Well, to everyone but our heroes, that is...

Trying to suss out what's what, the pair decide to infiltrate Robichaux’s party in the vague hope that "clues" will just fall in their lap, but unfortunately, they are both as subtle as gorillas in a… well, anywhere really.

But before they are thrown out of the party, Jimmy meets a yakuza guy who couldn't look less like a bad guy if he had been wearing a sandwich board that said in english on one side and in japanese on the other: "Ask me about how your Dad died!" Also, the company that Murder-san works for also owns the van that ran down Walter, so... y'know... I guess a clue did fall into their lap. Meanwhile Jonny meets Monica, Robichaux’s soon-to-be ex-wife, and she has some beans she wants to spill, but not here. She wants Jonny to meet her tomorrow, and we all know what that means... It means that this clue does not fall into Jonny's lap, so much as it falls to the pavement far, far below, as when Jonny tries to meet with Monica the next day, he discovers that she’s already dead, having "fallen" from her penthouse window. Believing Robichaux to be responsible, Jonny goes to confront him, and eventually the members of Robichaux's security team who are still standing manage to subdue this rampaging bull in their china shop, and Jonny is arrested and thrown in jail.

After Jonny is released, James and Jonny's family issues reach a head and they pair decide to punch each other on their way to emotional catharsis, reconnecting through a sudden bout of angry-cry slap and tickle in the parking lot until they just can’t take it anymore, and are forced to talk it out while the rain hides their manly tears. Brothers once again, they achieve their final form, a finely oiled machine built for mayhem and barbed witticisms, and the bad guys better look the fuck out.

But first, Valentina arrives from Oklahoma, as the package from Walter, that the yakuza were looking for, arrived at their shared house as she was moving out. She is... very pretty, and the whole movie grinds to halt to discuss this. Normally, I'd ding a film for that, but god damn it... they are so right.

After a 100% real and not CGI helicopter, and also some ninjas on motorcycles, attack them on a not-at-all-cgi highway, they discover that the package is a flash drive that holds a buttload of crypto, which, depending on the current market, could be worth a million dollars in meth, or it could be worthless, and thus, the bad guys are finally revealed to have been colonialism and gentrification all along.

Spoiler.

The brothers then receive a video-call from Robichaux, who has kidnapped Leila and Nani. He demands the flash drive in exchange for their lives. And nothing in this movie is more believable than a guy with Robichaux's shitty hairdo would also be heavily invested in crypto.

But James and Jonny do not negotiate with terrorists. Instead, they attack the compound, briefly wearing balaclavas to make it easy on both the CGI artists and the stuntmen. Together they casually dispatch literally dozens upon dozens of redshirts who wander the compound like the guards in the first Splinter Cell video game: “What was that…? Must have been nothing! (dies).” Then it’s time for the big brawling climax. It's Jimmy versus Murder-san. Its Jonny versus Robichaux. It’s sharktooth-studded Hawaiian wood versus razor-sharp Japanese steel. It’s culturally appropriated Japanese martial arts versus some homegrown Kanaka Oiwi grit. It turns out that Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on bright ass kicking day. Finally, once the dozens upon dozens of bad guys are dead and a bunch of shit is on fire, the brothers' dead dad is avenged.

They next day, the two brothers, reunited and it feels so good, have a bbq on the beach with their various ladies and children.

The focus of a four-way studio bidding war, when the original director, David Leitch, dropped out to do The Fall Guy, Ángel Manuel Soto, director of The Blue Beetle, and a huge fan of the hallway fight scene in Old Boy, signed on to direct the project that would become The Wrecking Crew. And good for all of us, honestly, because the Fall Guy just didn’t work at all, despite having quite a few really kick-ass stunt sequences–and I'm not just saying that it didn't work because I am mad forever that the movie inexplicably did NOT have recent Oscar nominee Ryan Gosling sing the Fall Guy tv show theme song... mostly... but seriously though, that shit is fucking inexcusable.

Anyway, my point is, The Blue Beetle was a cute and fun film.

So, where The Rip was everything that is bad about action movies from the 80s and 90s, The Wrecking Crew is actually a pretty good example of everything that was good about them.

It’s basically just your classic formula of a straight-laced guy and a wild card guy teaming up to crack some skulls, even though the police chief yells at them because everywhere they go, they keep blowing up things and killing so many bad guys and innocent bystanders. And it‘s got all the classic beats too, even a gun closet to rival John Matrix’s shed. So, with its unapologetic love of guns, and its Ed Hardy gold dragon machismo that is mostly more good-natured than toxic, The Wrecking Crew is a slapstick farce of ridiculousness and violence. It’s the story of a pair of lumbering slabs of nigh-indestructible man-meat from different paths in life, who, reunited after years apart, find themselves on the same road, heading straight to justice, just a’punchin’ and a’kickin’ and a’quppin’ and a’quibblin’ and occasionally talking about penises too, their own, other people’s, what have you… all while they try to balance their personal relationships and their personal vendettas in this wise-cracking’, fisticuff-flyin’, shoot ‘em up adventure story involving wacky-ass yakuza, thick-neck human crewcut private military contractors, and the kind of white guys who are way too into Japanese stuff in a way that feels really racist somehow, who also has Chekhov’s Hand Grenade just sitting there on their desks, out in the open, apparently just waiting for some hero to come along and pilfer it for the climax.

It’s a good time.

Temuera Morrison, star of the incredible Once Were Warriors, and also the man behind the mask of all-time nerd favorites Boba Fett, Jango Fett, and every Clone Trooper, shows up. As does Frankie Adams, who played Martian Marine Roberta “Bobbie” Draper in the TV show The Expanse, which is also a great show that you should check out, if you haven’t, if for no other reason than Camila Drummer, who is my favorite. I love her voice. Spider-man’s best friend, Ned Leeds, otherwise known as Jacob Batalon, is in this too, playing Pika, and he’s fun. And of course, best of all, the incredibly lovely, always welcome, Morena Baccarin plays Jonny Hale’s muy caliente hot-roddin’ bank manager ex-girlfriend, a woman who can do a reverse 180 in a 2026 Volkswagen Jetta minivan, but unfortunately, I’m sad to report, despite the film being set in Hawaii, doesn’t appear in a bikini. Probably because she's a forty-something mom, which I get, but also I do not see as being a problem. Anyway, my point is, it’s a cast that has an all-around good chemistry, and seems to be having a good time, especially Momoa and Bautista, and that energy really powers this silly ass film.

This is, of course, the second time Mamoa and Bautista have appeared together…

They previously appeared together in the AppleTV show See. Set in a post-apocalyptic distant future where the remnants of humanity are now all blind, and sight is considered to be a cursed myth, it's the story of how everything changes when twin children are born in a mountain tribe with the ability... to see.

Momoa was the hero of the show. He played Baba Voss, a fearless warrior, and the leader of the Alkenny Tribe. Bautista was the villain of season 2, and he played Edo Voss, Commander General of the Trivantian army, hailing from the rival kingdom of Payan, and Baba Voss’ vengeful younger brother. I loved that silly-ass show. It's Mad Max meets Game of Thrones meets Zaitoichi, because most of the cast plays a blind character. It's a lot more clever and inventive than you might expect, and apparently used a lot of blind and sight-impaired actors too. If you like sci-fi/fantasy and you haven’t checked out See, you really should.

Anyway… The Wrecking Crew is also better than you’d think, but... fair warning... it's not exactly “good” either. I had a blast watching it, but if you aren’t a fan of the kind of buddy comedy action films it's patterned after, from Lethal Weapon to the Rundown, then this film won’t be for you.

But if you are a fan… then prepare to get wrecked.