Traditional Christmas Movies Bonus: The Baltimorons

It’s Christmas, at least… kind of still, and a newly sober man's Christmas Eve Day dental emergency leads to an unexpected romance with his dentist, as they end up spending the day together in Baltimore.

Setting the general tone by starting off in a darkly comedic place, the opening scene shows Cliff Cashen stumbling up the stairs to his attic, drunk, putting a chair under a ceiling beam, and then fashioning a noose out of a belt. He is a man who is very clearly despondent and at his lowest pint, but at the same time, after the belt immediately breaks, and he hits the floor, he seems somewhat resigned and unsurprised.

This is clearly par for the course.

Six months later, as they’re driving through Baltimore to his fiancée’s mother’s house on Christmas Eve Day, Cliff shows his sobriety chip to his fiancée Brittany. She’s very proud of him. But when Cliff shares that an old buddy of his is doing a stand-up pop-ups that night, and has asked him to stop by, she gets upset, worried that returning to those events might cause him to slide back into old habits. After all, he made a promise to her: no more booze, no more comedy shows. But when they get to Brittany’s mother’s house, Cliff walks into a door frame and ends up with a bloody mouth and a broken tooth.

Cliff finally manages to find a dentist who is willing to see him right away on Christmas Eve. Dr. Didi Daw is a no-nonsense type who at first seems like she isn’t interested in either Cliff’s humor or his flirting, as she puts in a temporary filling, but it quickly becomes apparent that he’s actually kind of charming in a shambling big friendly dog kind of way, and is also kind of funny. While the filling sets, Cliff overhears Didi on a phone call with her daughter, where she finds out that not only is her daughter bailing on Christmas Ever dinner, Didi’s ex-husband married his younger fiancee that very morning, and they’re holding an impromptu reception that night.

So with nothing to do, and nowhere to be, when Cliff leaves her office, and finds that his car has been towed—Brittany responds to this news over the phone with “Again?”—Didi offers to drive him to the tow yard.

This is the start of them connecting with each other.

First, the tow lot is closed, or it appears that way. While Cliff is trying to sneak his car off the lot, the lot owner returns, and Did has to guide Cliff over the phone so he can hide. Unfortunately, this ends with Cliff getting locked inside, and Didi has to help him escape. This leads to Cliff inviting Did to dinner, to pay her back, and he also admits that he overheard her on the phone, and he knows she has no plans, and also, after texting with his fiancée, Cliff is informed that his fiancee’s mother’s house is now out of food, and they didn‘t even make him a plate.

So, the two end up spending the rest of the evening together, and enjoying each other’s company as a mutual attraction growing, even if they are mostly touring the recent persona disappointments in their lives. Along the way, Cliff tells Didi how he reluctantly gave his comedy aspirations and is now working on becoming a mortgage broker, while she tells him that she’s a workaholic with a failed marriage to her high school sweetheart. As the night goes on, they both overcome some of their personal demons together, facing their fears, and taking big steps that earlier that day, they wouldn’t have believed themselves capable of taking.

And the whole time, they find they have each other to lean on.

A enjoyable, romantic, occasionally quite moving slice of life rom-com dramedy, The Baltimorons is directed by Jay Duplas, who co-wrote the screenplay with the film’s star, Michael Strassner. It is at once a brittle comedy and melancholy drama, and it can be uncomfortable and awkward at times, and often is, but in the end, it is a very sincere little tale of two people finding each other, one that feels natural, real, and honest, and comes by its romance in a very believable and organic way.

This is mostly due to the fantastic chemistry between the three main actors. Michael Strassner plays Cliff, Liz Larsen plays Didi, and Olivia Luccardi plays Brittney. While they are all actors that it’d be fair to call “no names,” at the same time, I feel like, if I were to look, they’ve actually all been in multiple things I’ve seen. But whether that’s true or not, all three are very good here, with that perfect mix of charisma and an understated naturalism, with a clear understanding that in acting, sometimes less is more. The result is they all play characters that feel very believably real, and overall work very well together.

Strassner in particular has that now seemingly uncommon kind of shaggy, unkempt character actor energy to him, reminiscent of a young Charles Grodin or a Richard Dreyfuss kind of actor. He’s at once very funny, but also clearly broken, and yeah, a little bit annoying, all of which makes Cliff feel very human. Liz Larsen, meanwhile, brings with her an easy familiarity, like someone we’ve been watching for years. Because of this, this believability, this relatability, this familiarity, a lot of people will have opinions on the two relationships in this messy little triangle, and a lot of those people will also come away, not incorrectly, with the idea that Cliff is kind of an annoying asshole, and that he does some really shitty, irresponsible, and selfish things. And again, they would not be wrong. But this is all due to those strong performances, because they all feel like real people, warts and all.

Me, I think it’s Brittney who is the true unsung hero of this piece when it comes to being kind of a shit. Yes, she helped Cliff pick up his life and clean himself off, and she is supportive partner who clearly cares about Cliff’s ongoing recovery, but also, she’s a little too controlling, and is clearly trying to force Cliff, a square peg, into a round hole. But the most egregious thing, to me, is that when Cliff breaks his tooth and has to go to an emergency dental visit… she didn’t drive him. She stayed at the family Christmas instead of driving her bleeding fiancé to the dentist, then staying with him to make sure that he’s okay. That doesn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation of a partner. I realize it’s a movie, but this is a big time red flag. Even worse, not only did she not do any of that, nor did she come pick him up when his car was towed, she didn’t even make him a plate at the family dinner before all the food was eaten. Didn’t. Even. Make. Him. A. Plate.

That sounds like it’s time to dump her to me.

But like I said, it’s a movie, and the actors performances, the familiarity and reliability of the characters they create, really helps to create a strong and involved bond while you’re watching them…

I imagine that this film is also meant to be a love letter to Baltimore, but as I only know the city from having watched The Wire years and years ago, I couldn’t really say one way or another. Your mileage may vary.

Now, some people might complain that there’s too much wish-granting in this movie, as Caden—obviously so named because he’s an annoying piece of shit—the stupid little “comedian” who weaponized safe space speech to fuck over Cliff, AND Didi’s ex husband, Conway, the drunken passive aggressive trash heap, both get a former of Christmas Eve comeuppance, all while Cliff and Didi both have moments of personal triumph, but to me, that response seems a little unfair, as they’re little bits of personal comeuppance, for one, and two, what’s the point of a slice-of-life piece like this, if not to be a story about two lonely and hurt people finding not just each other on Christmas Eve, but also a moment of happiness?

So, in the end, will Cliff and Didi last?

We don’t know. The film takes place over 24 hours or so, so who knows. Me? I think not. I think they’re together for the wrong reasons, and they’re both people who are hurting, and they’re looking for band-aids, and they both still need to heal a bit before they can actually have a good relationship, but for now… who cares? For tonight at least, they’re good, and that’s all that matters here.