Traditional Christmas Movies: The Long Kiss Goodnight
“Chefs do that.”
It’s Christmas, and a single mom and schoolteacher lives an idyllic suburban life, despite having no memory of her past. When a private detective manages to uncover some of her past, she finds the name of a dangerous assassin waiting there, a woman she used to be, a woman long believed to be dead, a woman who some very dangerous people want to stay that way…
Christmastime means Christmas films, and here are some of my favorites! First up, the Long Kiss Goodnight, the first of three traditional seasonal films appearing as a part of my list that were written by Shane Black, the King of Christmas.
Eight years ago, a woman known only as Samantha Caine washed ashore on a New Jersey beach, pregnant and totally amnesiatic. In the years since, she has built a good life, and her hunt for answers about her lost past has slowly faded from her priorities, and where she once used expensive Private Detectives, she now uses the cheap ones. Enter Mitch Henessey, a former crooked cop turned small-time con artist and the cheapest of cheap P.I.s, a man who just wants to do one right thing. Mitch manages to find an old address, and a suitcase that was left-behind eight years ago. Inside is a postcard written in Samantha’s handwriting and signed…
Charly Baltimore.
Over the Christmas holidays, Samantha gets in a car accident and hits her head. Afterwards, things start to come back… flashes of memories, voices, a mean mommy attitude, and an incredible skill with a blade. When a killer named "One-Eyed Jack” (because he only has one eye), who escaped from jail after seeing Samantha's face on television, shows up looking for revenge (for the eye and also for the nickname), and Samantha kills Jack with her bare hands, she realizes she can’t put it off any longer, she needs to find some answers.
Samantha and Mitch hit the road.
The postcard leads the pair to old friends and old enemies, and head-first into a conspiracy involving a CIA false flag operation called “Project Honeymoon.” The plan is to detonate a bomb at Niagra Falls, killing thousands, with the blame laid at the feet of Islamic terrorists, all in an effort to stir up public anger and fear and push Congress to approve a bigger budget. The sudden plethora of shootouts, car chases, torture, and leaping away from explosions that results from discovering this, digs Charly up from the recesses of Samantha’s brain, which is good, because Charly is a stone-cold super badass, and generally has zero issue with murdering dudes in windbreakers with crewcuts left and right, which is what the situation now calls for...
Especially after the bad guys snatch Samantha’s eight year old daughter Caitlin, and Charly realizes that Caitlin is her daughter too, not just physically, but emotionally…
Thus, saving Christmas.
We get two great Geena Davises here.
We get the big goofy grin Geena, and we get the hard-ass Geena. Both of whom are charming and charismatic in their own ways, all while one is a believable suburban mom, and the other is a believable ass-kicker. On top of this embarassment of action movie riches, we get Samuel L. Jackson in an often overlooked role in his lengthy oeuvre, but one that really showcases all the reasons why we all love him.
Mitch Henessey: “I'm always frank and earnest with women… Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.”
The Long Kiss Goodnight is a uber-ridiculous 90s action film, with a uber-ridiculous 90s plot, filled with uber-ridiculous 90s action set pieces. This is pure Renny Harlin nonsense and some of the best of Shane Black’s quips, in a film centered on a mixed-gender take on the classic buddy cop formula. It is charming and fun, and packed with a surprising amount of stars, and for the most part holds up, despite a few out-dated and kinda shitty, but pretty typical of the 90s, jokes.
Plus, there’s explosions-a-plenty.
Charlie Batltimore: “I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.”
Mitch Henessey: “Oh, well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.”
And some laughs too.
Charly Baltimore is a name that should be mentioned every time anyone is talking about iconic women in action movies, right alongside Terminator 2’s Sarah Connor and Aliens’ Ellen Ripley, and especially if you’re listing the iconic maternal figures in action movies whose violence is rooted in their empathy as much as it is their anger. How this film isn’t more reguraly acknowledged for being completely awesome and iconic, I’ll never understand, because it is undeible that that is exactly what the Long Kiss Goodnight is…
Mitch Henessey: “How did you find us?”
Nathan Waldman: “There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.”
Mitch Henessey: “That's a duck, not a dick.”
Iconic.