Unicorn Wars
"The Teddy Bears found God, and the Unicorns were envious demons."
For ages, the Teddy Bears have been locked in an ancestral war against their sworn enemy, the Unicorns. As the rigors and humiliation of teddy bear boot camp turn to the horrors of a combat tour in the Magic Forest, two brothers' increasingly strained relationship will come to determine the fate of the entire war…
The Motto of Camp Love, the concertina-wire-strung hellhole where young Teddy Bears are forged into soldiers, is: Honor. Pain. Cuddles. The growling Drill Sergeants threaten the young recruits. “There’s no mammalian cuddles or affections here! Here, the cuddles are made of steel, blood, and pain!” They must do this, because the Teddy Bears have long fought a holy war against their sworn enemy, the Unicorns, and the war continues, so more meat is needed for the grinder, as the Holy Scripture tells the Teddy Bears that victory will usher in a new era.
The Unicorn Wars follows two brothers on their first combat tour deep within the Magic Forest. There, they are plunged into the fiery crucible of a conflict they do not understand, on a horrific descent into the bowels of a bloody hell forged by the hands of God’s cuddliest little creatures… War.
It’s basically a Care Bear Heart Of Darkness.
There’s lots of blood and guts and pathos here, not to mention, a lot of Teddy Bears losing their shit due to the general horrors of war. Plus, there’s a scene where Teddy Bear soldiers go on an violence-tinged acid trip after sucking the living guts out of screaming cartoon rainbow caterpillars. You also see more than a couple of little Teddy Bear dicks. So, don’t worry, parents, this movie is totally for kids.
It is animated, after all.
As for the film itself, it mostly works.
At least enough that I’m going to check out Writer/Director Alberto Vazquez’s previous film, a similarly animated movie called Birdboy: The Forgotten Children. Especially as the plot is listed as: “Stranded on an island in a post-apocalyptic world, some animal teenagers hatch a dangerous plan to escape, all in the hope of finding a better life. Pursued by police, and haunted by demon tormentors, one of the friends harbors a secret inside him that could change the world forever.” Sounds great, so it’s been added to the list.
Anyway, Unicorn Wars is good, but not great.
The film walks a line between edgy gimmick and honest commentary on war and colonialism, and it mostly succeeds. Mostly. At 92 minutes, it still ends up feeling a little bit long, and that’s due to the fact that, even though Unicorn Wars does a pretty good job of walking that line I mentioned, it doesn’t always pull it off, and it’s not that it fails, so much as there’s no way it could fully succeed. The simple truth is, you can only wring so much genuine pathos and drama from a film about cartoon Teddy Bears in a religious war against Unicorns. There’s a Wall of Silliness there that you’re going to run headlong into eventually no matter what. That’s just the way it is.
The movie might have been better off focusing more on world building/mythology, and less on the Teddy Bear brothers themselves maybe. That might have smoothed out the back half a little more. Also, the shadowy simians with guns, who hang out in the old ruins of the church and spend their time worshipping a hate-blob monster, is a pretty obvious metaphor, but ultimately, what’s less clear is why it’s even included in the film in the first place.
Otherwise… Interesting.
It’s worth checking out, if you’re curious.
