Vacation Friends 2

When a pitch for a potential big job lands Marcus an all-expenses-paid trip to a fancy Caribbean resort, he and his wife, Emily, invite their uninhibited besties, Ron and Kyla, along for a week of vacation fun. But when Kyla's recently released from prison ex-con father shows up, wackiness ensues.

I know what you’re asking…

Do I need to see Vacation Friends 1 before watching Vacation Friends 2?

The answer is... yes. A lot of the plot hinges on the story of the previous film, not just in callbacks, but important twists too, and you don't want to get lost amongst the storyline's myriad intricacies and nuances. You definitely don't want to make the same mistake that I did. It had been a while since I last saw Vacation Friends 1, and there’s some returning characters who’s sudden appearance left me feeling a lot like Gandalf in the mines of Moira: “I have no memory of this person…”

I’m just kidding.

No, of course you don’t need to see Vacation Friends in order to understand the “plot” of Vacation Friends 2. In fact, don’t watch it. You honestly don't even need to see Vacation Friends 2 either, if I’m being honest here. But in case you’re bound and determined to see this film blind, the basic premise of the Vacation Friends 1 basically sounds like my worst nightmare… you go on vacation, and some strangers decide to talk to you while you’re out somewhere trying to enjoy yourself. The idea is these “vacation friends” turn out to be ka-ka-ka-KAH-Ray-Zee, you guys, and as a result, wackiness ensues, but in the end, true friendships are formed, reminding us all to never judge a book by its cover, because that book might turn out to be more than just a vacation friend, it might become your very best friend.

The premise of Vacation Friends 2 is… wackiness continues to ensue, as true friends strengthen their bonds, all with a reminder to never forget the sage advice of America's favorite composer of showtunes for straight men, Billy Joel: "Don't go changin' to try to please me, you’ve never let me down before, mmm-mmm-mm-mmmm."

Also: There's butt stuff. So much butt stuff.

So, the film starts as this unlikely pair of couple friends wackily arrive at the big resort, one of these gaudy temples to privileged excess that are usually destructive to the community they squat amongst, and they immediately proceed to get totally sorority-girl-drunk. This is followed by a wacky montage where they all basically act like the outer ring suburbs/smalltown people who go to the dualing piano bars, the sporting events, or the country music concerts in downtown Minneapolis every weekend—a place they otherwise refer to on Facebook and Twitter as a lawless no-go war zone of anTEEfah groomers and "urban" criminals. So, it’s a lot of guzzling booze, whooping and heehawing and breaking shit, all of them sweating mightily, followed by a whole lot of vomiting in the streets. A whole lot of vomiting.

I'm aware that this is basically the entire reason that these kinds of people go on their gross toilet cruises or to one of these shiny plastic geegaw resorts in the first place, because once there, they open the floodgates wide. Temporarily freed from the repressive constraints of their cruel and entitled little button-down PTA lives, emboldened by the apparent polite society social contract that "what happens on vacation, stays on vacation," they give in to their most bacchanalian desires. And there's so much pent-up emotion in there, so much curdled toxicity crammed up their tight asses, it's just... the grossest explosion of "hold my beer" debauchery ever. Obviously, these people desperately need the release. They can barely even wait to arrive at the resort to start indulging themsevles, which is why the flights to these places are absolute chaos now too, especially on Spirit Air.

Still... gross.

Plus, all I can think is... god damn, imagine how much it must suck if you had to work at one of these places. Which, if you live in the area, you probably have to, as it's the only real option, most likely because the resort industry has crushed the local economy otherwise, which means they probably pay pennies too. So, as a result, you get to break your back providing a "luxury experience" to a herd of demanding, irresponsible, terminally inconsiderate, and completely drunk basic bitch assholes, with their sunburned moonpie faces, each one of them desperately trying to squeeze every bit of fun and "luxury" out of the next five days, all of them ready and willing to ruin you down in the street like a dog if you get in their way.

Fucking gross.

But I digress...

Anyway, this is basically how the whole movie goes… a series of sequences that are full of jokes—or attempts at jokes really—all of which are akin to someone using an air horn indoors incessantly, which are always followed by a sudden embarrassing encounter with the civilized world for a brief reminder of the "A" Narrative, until the film switches gears into an action comedy "B" Narrative, as the vacation friends run afoul with some local drug lords.

And as these gangsters close in, a hail of bullets pinging off the stolen vehicle that the vacation friends are using to get away, bridges are mended, understandings are reached, wild shots are taken, and the big presentation is successfully delivered. Huzzah! Time to celebrate with margaritas! Gosh, aren’t vacations wild?

So, yeah... Vacation Friends 2 is terrible.

I know, I know... duh, right? Despite the occasional funny moment, overall, the film is really, really terrible. Poorly written from every angle, full of jokes that don’t land and moments that don’t connect, and all crammed together into the barest of a half-formed story ideas, it’s just bad.

It's bad.

That said, I did like that whenever they mention crypto, it’s used as shorthand for “the stupidest fucking idea ever, one that only criminals and dipshits get into.” So that was good, but otherwise, there isn’t anything here worth getting into.

Also, as a former handler of dead bodies, both embalmed and cremated, the “mistaking mom’s ashes for cocaine” joke doesn’t work because human ashes don’t look like cocaine at all, they look more like beach sand with a couple of bone chips and the occasional tooth in it. Just saying.

In the end, I will say this... I love John Cena for two reasons.

1. At last count, he holds the world-record for the most 'Make-A-Wish' grants at 650 and he's still going, his number being equal to the next three people on the list behind him combined, and that’s pretty cool, because he doesn't have to do that. Nobody's making him. He's just taking time out and doing a solid to make a bunch of sick kids' days a little better.
2. The Peacemaker is a fantastic show. I love it so much, and I can't wait for Season 2.

Classic Peacemaker, the man who loves peace so much, he's willing to kill for it.

So, anyway... It’s not that this movie wasn’t that funny, I mean, it wasn’t, but it’s more that it just kind of happens, and then it's done. And afterwards, you forget about it almost immediately, never thinking of it again... so in a way, it's a lot like real life Vacation Friends. We'll email, we'll make plans, we'll totally get together!

(No, we won't.)