VD: He’s Just Not That Into You

Nine people in Baltimore deal with their respective romantic problems, as they try to understand dating signals and the perils of commitment.

Rejoice, o’ my dearest of readers, for it is time once again for VD! No, I don’t mean venereal diseases, I mean Valentine’s Day! Okay, sure, I guess that I could maybe mean venereal diseases too, depending on how your Valentine’s Day goes.

Anyway, like most Christian mythology, the truth about who Saint Valentine was, and why he‘s being celebrated, is a bit murky. There’s apparently multiple records of various men named Valentine who were martyred, with just as many conflicting stories. There are also those who claim that much like the modern day version of Santa Claus and Christmas, the origin of Valentine's Day is yet another Christian appropriation of a local religion. In this case, Saint Valentine is a twisted version of Cupid/Eros, the Roman and Greek god of love, desire, and horny fucking, and the Saint Valentine's feast day is a bastardized version of a pagan fertility festival that was celebrated in February by ancient Romans called Lupercalia. This festival has roots in the Lycaean God, Pan, as well as in Romulus and Remus being suckled by the she-wolf, Lupa (which ties it to the origins of modern day Werewolf legends as well…), and it most likely ended in some kind of massive blood orgy.

So… y’know, kind of like the modern day version of Valentine’s Day.

Whatever the actual origins were, the most commonly accepted “Western Civilization“ myth is Valentine’s Day began as a feast day to honor a Christian martyr named Valentine. A 3rd century Roman saint, Saint Valentine is the patron saint of the city of Terni, epilepsy, lovers, travelers, young people, and of course, beekeepers. According to legend, Saint Valentine not only ministered to persecuted Christians, he also defied Emperor Claudius II’s ban on marriage by marrying young couples in secret, after the Emperor outlawed marriage for soldiers because he believed single soldiers were better warriors. And for this, the Emperor ordered Valentine beaten to death with clubs, and then beheaded, and it happened on February 14th, 270 CE.

And now, the alleged skull of Saint Valentine is exhibited, crowned with flowers, in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome, and we celebrate their death with chocolates, flowers, and folded paper adorned with hearts.

Valentine’s Day was first associated with celebrations of love in the Middle Ages, but the modern version of the celebration is considered to have begun in the mid 1800s, when the first mass-produced Valentine’s Day cards of embossed paper and lace were created and sold by Esther Howland of Worcester, Massachusetts. Her father—Surprise!—just happened to own and operate a large book and stationery store. A few years later, Cadbury jumped on this burgeoning bandwagon, adding the idea of heart-shaped boxes of chocolate to the newly adopted tradition. This is the story of pretty much every single American holiday, you think they're rooted in some long-standing deep meaning and tradition, but nope... they were all started by department store owners in the late 1800s and early 1900s.

So, happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy the VD.

And now, the movie…

Gigi, Conor and Alex

In the city of Baltimore, a perpetually positive, perky, and pixie-like young woman named Gigi repeatedly misreads her many dates' romantic interest.

Following a tepid date with a pocket-sized real estate agent named Conor, Gigi is befriended by bar owner and Connor’s BFF, Alex. Alex lets Gigi know that her and Connor are not in the cards, and suggests to her that she regularly misinterprets romantic signals, telling her that she latches onto ludicrous stories of impossible love born of adversity and confusing signals, and believing that a lack of interest on the guy's part means it will all work out and she'll live happily ever after, that she is the exception, instead of the rule.

As their friendship continues to grow, often talking over landline phones like literal cave-people, Gigi does what she usually does, convincing herself that Alex’s friendship is actually a sign that he likes her, like… likes her likes her. But when she literally throws herself at him, Alex rebuffs her, chastising her for ignoring his advice.

But then—SPOILER!—as Gigi then moves on from Alex, dating other boys, kissing other boys, yadda, yadda, yadda, and she is no longer always available and hanging on his every word like it's gospel, Alex suddenly realizes that he actually is in love with Gigi. After leaving her several unanswered messages, he finally just shows up at Gigi's apartment after she gets home from a date, like a weird creep, because his quick appearance after she says goodnight to her date clearly indicates that he was lurking nearby and watching her apartment. Alex then declares his love for her, and they end up kissing right then and there, because if there's one thing Gigi doesn't give a fuck about, it's red flags.

Janine, Ben, and Anna

Meanwhile, Gigi's co-worker, Janine, is busy obsessing over her super bougey Room & Board home renovations. Meanwhile, her husband, Ben, is busy obsessing over a young yoga instructor and “aspiring singer” named Anna that he met at the supermarket. Anna is so good at singing, the film never lets you hear a single note of how she sounds.

Ben and Anna ease their way into an affair, with Ben promising to help Anna with her singing career even though he’s some kind of… banker? Insurance… person? Middle manager? As Anna skinny dips after a yoga class and Ben watches, he tells her that he only married Janine because she gave him an ultimatum after college.

The pair decide to just be “friends”

Clearly seeing the clues, but at the same time not seeing the clues, Janine finds some cigarettes hidden under the backyard porch, and accuses Ben of secretly smoking again, angrily reminding him of her father's death from lung cancer. He immediately blames the workmen at their house, insinuating that the workers are untrustworthy because they're "undocumented" because that's what whitey does. And it works, because white ladies are more than ready to accept that idea, which is why the overwhelming number of them, across all demographics, voted for a man who ran on this same platform of blaming "undocumented" workers. This is, of course, a lie, and so the tension builds until finally, during a trip to Home Depot, Ben confesses his infidelity to Janine, because he's a coward and a public space prohibits her from making a scene. Instead, Janine asks him if he wants out of the marriage, and he does, but Ben is both a huge douchebag and also a giant wuss, so he chickens out and agrees to work to save their marriage.

Later, Anna and Ben are about to do it in Ben's office, and he strips her to her lingerie right there, with only frosted glass separating them from the various office plebs and underlings, but then Janine arrives. Hoping to “save her marriage" and "spice things up” she's there doing her damnest to be sexy and have a nooner. With a half-naked Anna hiding in his office closet, Ben obliges her. After Janine leaves, Anna is a bit upset, and breaks up with Ben.

Afterwards, Janine is tidying upat home and she finds Ben’s cigarettes. She is very anger. When Ben gets home, the house is empty, his clothes are stacked and folded on the staircase, with a carton of cigarettes and a note asking for a divorce. Janine is then shown moving into smaller apartment to restart her life, while Anna sings in the most boring looking bar ever imagined, and Ben buys a six pack of beer at the same supermarket where he met Anna, all alone.

Conor, Anna, and Mary

Every time Anna is rejected by Ben, she runs back to the open and waiting arms of pocket-sized Conor, who is more than willing to fawn over her and rub her feet and make her feel pretty, and best of all, she doesn’t have to have sex with him.

Anna's best friend, Mary, who is mainly there to try to make Anna look less like a super-hot home-wrecker, also works in advertising sales for a local gay newspaper, and she helps pocket-sized real estate agent Conor promote his real estate business specifically to the local gays. Like Gigi, Mary is desperate to meet “The One” and be in a relationship, and she is flummoxed by the many, many pitfalls of modern day dating, including the use of cellphones, blackberries, and social media, all of which feels weirdly out–of-date, especially the focus on Myspace, which the film treats as new innovation, even though it was released in 2009.

While Conor is busy attempting to cultivate a gay clientele, mostly by wearing shirts that are a little too tight, a couple witness Anna and Conor interact, and they encourage him to be honest with her about what he wants. Taking their advice, he declares his love to her, and because Ben had recently stripped her nearly naked, stuffed her in a closet, and then had sex with his wife in the next room while she waited, Anna is feeling a bit low, and in desperate need of validation, so she agrees to a more serious relationship.

This is Conor’s greatest dream, so almost immediately he suggests that he buy a house and they move in together. This forces Anna to admits that she isn’t actually interested in him, and I’m sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that when we see the pair of them full-body hugging each other, it’s obvious that not only is he shorter than her, and not only could they wear each others clothes, but her clothes would probably be a little bit baggy on him.

Mary later runs into Conor, nearly stepping on him, and recognizes him from his ad photo, having only spoken to him over the phone. They hit it off, so Mary puts Conor on her shoulders, piggy-back style, and the pair walk into the sunset.

Beth and Neil

Meanwhile, Gigi's other co-worker, Beth, lives with her longtime boyfriend Neil, who is a friend of Ben the douchebag. After seven years together, Beth is itching to get married, but Neil vocally opposes marriage, because he’s not quite a grown-up yet. This makes Beth sad. When Gigi comes to work and erroneously announces that when it comes to dating, she can see clearly now, the rain is gone, citing her conversations with Alex as the reason why, this prompts Beth to confront Neil, who insists that he will never marry, so she ends it.

Neil moves out, living on the sailboat he owns, which makes you wonder just what these people all do that they can afford such bougey shit. The Friends’ Paradox strikes again, I guess. Not that this surprises me, just like the John Wick films, Rom-Coms are nothing if not aspirational.

In classic Rom-Com tradition, Beth's younger sister is getting married, and Beth is a bridesmaid, and the whole thing is a shitshow for her, all topped off by her father having a heart attack during the reception. As he recuperates at home, Beth cares for him while her sisters and their husbands continue to be shits. But just as she’s about to snap, she discovers that Neil, when he learned of her father's heart attack, dropped by with groceries, did laundry, and also dishes. All unasked for too, which anyone will tell you pretty much guarantees sex, so they reconcile. Beth is so hot for him again, in fact, she even tells him that she wants him back and she doesn't care that they're not married, but then Neil pulls the ol’ bait and switch on her and proposes, and in the end, they get married on his sailboat.

And they all live happily ever after, except for the jerks.

With all of its exterior shots filmed in Baltimore, and all of its interior scenes clearly filmed in soundstage Los Angeles, after the success of Love Actually, there was a time where these massive ensemble Rom-Coms were the formula du jour in Hollywood, and He’s Just Not That Into You is maybe the peak of that trend.

A time capsule of the early aughts in all its flip-phone glory, and with only a little bit of gay panic, but in a cutesy Will & Grace way, and a lot of feminism, but only in a “We’re registered at Restoration Hardware and Macy’s” kind of way, the story of He’s Just Not That Into You centers on the five types of women… a blonde, a dark-haired lady, a red head, the best friend, and Scarlett Johansson (or as Carrie Fisher said in When Harry Met Sally: “Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.”) as they all try to find love with a wide spectrum of dipshits, who range from harmless doofus to toxic fuckboi. And save for a pair of sassy black ladies who show up not as part of the main stories, and the "undocumented" workers, of course, they’re all white too. There isn’t even a white-raised Asian thrown into the mix.

Ah... America.

It really is a huge cast… Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Ginnifer Goodwin, Scarlett Johansson, and Justin Long fill the main roles, and they are backed up by a seemingly endless litany of recognizable faces like Luis Guzman, Wilson Cruz, Natasha Leggero, Busy Phillips, Kris Kristofferson, Derek Waters, and others. It’s jam-packed with people. It’s like Dazed and Confused, but with much worse clothers and music (for the most part), and unfortunately, no weed.

Also, while the film focuses on love and dating, outside of the Ben and Anna storyline, there’s no real allusions to sex either, and certainly no nudity. Even Scarlett’s skinny-dipping scene carefully shows you absolutely nothing. Under The Skin this is not. All in all, this is a pretty chaste film, with only some light swearing, not much different from something you might see on network tv.

But while it’s hard to think of Justin Long as a “cool” guy, or to not notice how short Kevin Connolly is, or to think of Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly as being the same age as Ginnifer Goodwin, which is why they all work the same vague (advertising?) job together, for the most part…?

It’s cute.

It’s definitely overstuffed, which lessens the cuteness, as each story is limited by being forced to share so much screen time with so many other stories (f pressed, I'd choose to cut Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck, just fyi), but still… it’s cute. In the end, isn’t that what you’re looking for from a Rom-Com? Cute. Sassy. Feel good, but not too deep or too offensive. Well, that’s He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s a good pick for a night of kiss and cuddle on the couch, so it's something to keep in mind when your VD rolls around next year.