War Machine

On their final training exercise, a group of students in the Army Ranger School are hunted by an alien war machine, forcing them to rely on their hard-earned skills as elite soldiers in order to survive.

War Machine is basically sci-fi copaganda, but for the Rangers. This isn't some deep insight or anything, the film is basically Ranger fanfic, and makes no effort to pretend otherwise, but it's still good to state this up front...

War Machine is sci-fi copaganda, but for the Rangers.

Now, just so that we're on the same page, despite most likely automatically springing to the forefront of your mind immediately, the Dunedain Rangers of the Third Age–descendants of the Númenóreans, known as the Men of Westernesse, who survived the sinking of their island kingdom at the end of the Second Age, and then, led by Elendil and his sons, Isildur and Anárion, settled in Middle-earth–who were renowned for their abilities as trackers and warriors and, much like their Númenórean ancestors, had qualities similar to those of the Elves, including keen senses and the ability to understand the language of the birds and the beasts, who then used those skills to defend Middle Earth from evil... these are not the Rangers that we're talking about today.

The Rangers in this film are actually from the well-known military unit that has been a part of the United States military since the 17th century, long before we were even a country.

A term usually used to describe specialized light infantry in small, independent units, the very first officially designated Rangers were recruited from the original Colonies to fight against Native Americans in King Philip's War from 1675–1678, then again in the French and Indian Wars of the mid 18th century. Full-time soldiers, they would patrol the wilderness between frontier fortifications, and also act as guides and scouts for other colonial troops.

This was a role which, as we all remember from the film Last of the Mohicans, sure as hell did not include the Mohican named Chingachgook, his son, Uncas, or his other adopted white son, Nathaniel "Natty" Bumppo, known as "Hawk-eye," who had come across a war party's tracks while heading west to Kan-tuck-ie, after they had first faced to the North, and then, real sudden like, turned left.

But while it's true that, ever since the Revolutionary War, the United States military has had Ranger companies, it was during World War II that we see the origins of the US Army Rangers still in service today. Using British Commando standards, Major William O. Darby organized the 1st Ranger Battalion at Carrickfergus, Northern Ireland, June 19, 1942. These Rangers went on to fight throughout World War 2, both in Europe and the Pacific, beginning in North Africa, and in D-Day as well, where they scaled the cliffs at Pointe du Hoc, gaining their famed motto, "Rangers, lead the way!"

In modern times, a Ranger is identified by the Ranger tab on their shoulder, and by the fact that they wear a tan beret. This is to ensure that they are not confused with the army's other special operation force, the Green Berets, who, perhaps unsurprisingly, wear a green beret. The Rangers are also not to be confused with Delta Force, which is most definitely not to be confused with Megaforce.

While there's actually a whole litany of differences, the main difference between The US Army Rangers and the Green Berets is in how they are deployed.

The Green Berets, besides being fearless men who jump and die, operate in small teams and specialize in long-term operations, often behind enemy lines, involving guerrilla warfare, counter-terrorism, and training and equipping local fighters, which is where they get their motto from, “De Oppresso Liber” (“To Free the Oppressed”). The Rangers, meanwhile, are light infantry soldiers most often used for executing raids, airfield seizures, reconnaissance, or rescue operations, usually placing them on the front lines of combat.

In essense, one is the hidden knife, the other is the hammer.

While soldiers who want to join the Green Berets must complete at least three years of service before applying, and have at least reached the rank of Private First Class (E-3)... a rank that was so nice, I had it twice... any active-duty Army soldier can apply to Ranger School, all you have to do is pass the Ranger Assessment and Selection Process (RASP), a grueling 8-week course held at Fort Benning, Georgia.

Which I believe is the setting of this film, but I couldn't tell...

Alan Ritchson is of course the star of the film.

He is a strapping farm lad from North Dakota, of Czech, English, and German descent, and an absolute beast of a human being. A real life comic book character come to life, he has played multiple superheroes, but he is probably best known for the tv series Reacher, which is a show about a very large hobo who roams from town to town punching out crime.

I mention this because I wanted to say that the way Alan Ritchson smiles, during the scene in that crappy Teen Titans show where he's suiting up as Hawk, is why I want him to be Batman in James Gunn's DC Cinematic Universe.

Of course, thats if that particular shared universe survives Warner Bros being purchased by uber-bigot billionaire Larry Ellison, obviously. But that having been said, we'll see if it even happens at this point. Ellison seemed to have no idea that the most likely outcome of hiring the well-known dipshit, Bari Weiss–who was one of the most unqualified people available for the job–would be that she'd drive CBS straight into the ground in less than six months, so one would think that this might hamper his ability to drum up the cash he needs for the purchase, due to investors' general level of confidence in his decision-making abilites. Or maybe they don't care. I guess we shall see…

Anyway, on to the movie.

In Afghanistan, an unnamed Staff Sergeant arrives to help his unnamed brother and fellow soldier's broken-down convoy, which has broken down due to the vent having been clogged, something that the pair discusses at length.

Eagle-eyed viewers may spot some possible foreshadowing here...

The pair are unnamed so as to represent the every-man American soldier, that is, as long as every man in the Army is a massive slab of muscle. As they banter, the Staff Sergeant's brother tries to convince him that, because the two of them are getting old, they are running out of time to realize their long-held shared dream of becoming Army Rangers together. The unnamed Staff Sergeant finally agrees, as the repairs are completed, and the brotherly love overflows as they say goodbye, promising to see each other again soon, when they are both Army Ranger candidates. It is at this point that eagle-eyed viewers will spot that the Staff Sergeant's brother is actually wearing a giant sandwich board that reads: “I will soon be dead.”

Then they are attacked by Taliban insurgents.

Almost everyone dies, except the Staff Sergeant, who suffers a severe knee injury. He tries to carry his mortally wounded brother back to base but passes out before making it. When he wakes up in the hospital, he learns that his brother has died, and that he is being awarded the Silver Star and a perennial case of The Sads.

And thus, the inciting incident.

Two years later, the Sergeant arrives at RASP to join the 75th Ranger Regiment, where he is given the candidate number of 81. 81 excels at training, but does not bond with his fellow recruits, all of whom are referred to by their assigned numbers. He also refuses to accept the role of team leader, because all he wants to do is become a ranger, not for himself, but for his brother. But after this single-minded drive causes him to nearly drown during an underwater exercise, regiment leaders Sergeant Major Sheridan and First Sergeant Torres question his readiness status due to his PTSD, and insist that he step down to recuperate, but 81 refuses. They reluctantly allow him to advance, but only if he takes the position of team leader for the final exercise–a simulated mission into the forest to destroy a classified aircraft and rescue its pilot. This is a move which honestly seems like pretty questionable leadership to me.

"You're a danger to yourself and others, so you should step down."

"No."

"All right then, you're going to be in charge of the unit when you go out into the wilderness with no supervision."

During this time, eagle-eyed viewers will also have probably noticed multiple TV news reports in the background of a suspected asteroid flying very close to the planet, pieces of which are currently breaking off in our atmosphere...

And thus... Chekov’s Gun.

During the exercise, the team is startled on the first night when a fiery object roars past overhead, streaking across the night sky. Immediately after, they notice that their communications aren't working and their compasses are messed up.

The next day, they find a strange looking object by the creek, which the team believes to be the classified aircraft. However, 81 is nearly as eagle-eyed as some of us viewers, and he spots something in the brush. Underscoring how putting him in charge was a bad idea, he leaves the others to execute the exercise's main objective of planting explosives on the strange object they believe to be their downed aircraft target, and goes to investigate whatever it was he spotted in the brush, only to find that it was the actual downed aircraft, the actual objective of the whole exercise.

Too late to warn the other that they're about to blow up the wrong thing–which even if it wasn't hostile, is probably the kind of thing they fail you for–the men and women who are supposed to be under his command detonate their explosives.

In the thunderous aftermath, as the dust slowly clears, the Ranger candidates discover that not only is the strange looking object undamaged, but it's actually an alien battle mech, as it transforms into a walking killing machine that resembles a cross between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and the ED-209 from Robocop.

Unfortunately, at this point, it looks like these inept dipshits just started an intergalactic war by accident. The alien mech starts killing with abandon– which is admittedly an understandable reaction, as it was just sleeping in the dirt and then these buttholes came along and tried to blow it up–and unfortunately for the Ranger candidates, since this was supposed to be a training exercise, and despite being the ultimate badasses, the state of the badass art, who you do not wanna fuck with, they basically have no weapons to speak of. No bullets, no grenades, no independently targeting particle beam phalanxes, no tactical smart missiles, no phased plasma pulse rifles, no RPGs, or sonic electronic ball breakers! No nukes, no knives, no sharp sticks, nothing.

So soon enough 60, 135, 72, 12, 57, 38, 122, and poor 111, a bunch of numbers that we have grown to love, have all been blown into bloody little camouflage-clad pieces. After this first attack, only 15, 44, 109, 23, and 7 are still alive, along with 81. Their only option is to run. Unfortunately, 81's second-in-command, 7, has a broken leg, slowing them all down, as they're forced to carry him, and all while the murderous alien mech is hot on their trail, relentlessly firing its many missiles and lasers and grenades.

Luckily, they have the veritable man-mountain that is 81 on their side.

After a bunch of running and jumping and the shouting of various numbers in anguish: "15! Noooooo!" The Ranger candidates find the wreckage of the Ranger School cadre's camp, who were supposed to be acting as the enemy during this exercise, but who are all now dead. In the destruction, they find a mine-resistant M1117 armored security vehicle (ASV) with some live ammo–which there is no logical explanation for. I mean, the vehicle? Sure. The live ammo? No way. This is a training exercise, the last thing you want is for some dipshit to accidentally kill somebody, and if there's one thing the army understands, it's that the presense of live ammo definitely makes that outcome a possibility. This isn't a live fire training range, you don't just have live ammo out there!

It's one of the two most unbelievable things in this film about Army Ranger hopefuls being chased through the woods by an alien war machine. The other most unbelievable thing I will get to later.

But whatever, because while this discovery of live ammo in a training exercise is definitely a bit of cheating in order to solve a script problem, it's being done in service of an extended case sequence between an ASV and a robot, all with cannons blazing, which was fun, so... whatever. It's also being done in order to show the audience that the alien mech is clad in some nearly impenetrable armor, so even if they had a whole bunch, bullets weren't going to solve the problem. By the time the ASV crashes, its armor rent and punched full of holes, only 81 and 7 are still alive. RIP 15, 44, 109 and 23.

After a brief male bonding break with 7, 81 falls back on his knowledge of engines, the result of him having been an Army mechanic at the beginning of the film, one who dealt with clogged vents before...

See? Foreshadowing.

Luring the alien mech to a construction site, 81 pours a bunch of very small rocks–normally used in lieu of a duck, if one is not available, in order to determine whether or not someone is a witch–into the mech's ventilation system, clogging it, and causing it to overheat and explode. 81 then successfully makes it back to RASP with 7, crossing the symbolic finish line, thereby graduating and keeping the promise to his brother's memory. It is then that 81 is told that the suspected asteroid was actually carrying an army of machines, and the rest of the planet has been at war while he was out galivanting in the woods. It's unclear if this was the aliens' plans all along, or if 81's failure at leadership sparked the war. Lucky for the world, 81 knows the mechs' secret weakness... clogged vents.

And thus, 81 flies off in a helicopter, at the head of Earth's gathered forces, cities burning in the distance, a future hero of legend.

The End...?

Filmed primarily in Australia, War Machine is a film about American greatness. It's a pretty basic, cookie-cutter, seen-it-before, bombastic, rah-rah Army bullshit movie, with a very obvious Dad-Fiction streak about how old men with regrets and PTSD still got it, and can still out tough-guy the young'uns any day of the week, all while learning the value of teamwork, and also the value of keeping your air vents clean. It's a film of slightly incongruent pieces that seemingly unnecessarily takes the long way around just to get 81 into the woods, instead of simply having him be a big ass son of a bitch in the Army who applied to Ranger school. But in the end, who cares... this is a movie about fighting an alien mech, and that alien mech isn’t going to fight itself.

War Machine is also a movie that was clearly inspired by a slew of much better movies. And also much worse movies too. And it is a shoddy and pale imitation of them all. Aliens, it isn’t. Deliverance, it isn’t. Predator, it isn’t. Dog Soldiers, it isn’t. She's All That, it most definitely isn't, because despite being a film where you take the story of a nerdy girl going to prom, who then takes off her glasses and is hot, and then you replace the "nerdy girl" with "giant ass-kicking soldier" and "prom" with "RASP" and "taking off her glasses and being hot" with "learning leadership skills while under pressure" and all before wrapping the whole thing up in the same way as 10 Cloverfield Lane and Battle: Los Angeles did, War Machine simply does not measure up to the films it draws inspiration from, and aspires to be.

It's fine, but to callback to earlier in this review, it's the lesser son of greater sires. As much as I enjoy Alan Ritchson, he's no Rachel Leigh Cook.

Yes, there’s some fun action and heroic derring-do, and yes, Jai Courtney (Jai Bless) is not only believable as Alan Ritchson’s brother, I would now like for him to show up in Reacher as the "evil" version of Reacher, aman with the same hobo lifestyle as Reacher, but instead of wandering from town to town punching out crime, he causes it, which will eventually lead to him and Reacher punching each other out. But that most beautiful of dreams aside, overall, this is a forgettable film,and the vague promise of sequels at the end is clearly a bad idea. This is a movie where almost no one has a name, and the main conflict is based solely on the fact that both parties just happen to be in each other's general area. We know nothing about any of the characters, good or bad, human or alien, and only one actual character survives to the end of the film any way, so why bother? The god damn thing was on Netflix, so it's not even like you can point to box office as a reason. There's just nothing left to talk about here that other movies could cover. There was barely enough to talk about it in this movie, that's why they devoted so much time to showing the various training moments during RASP.

War Machine is fine. It seemed to be popular on Netflic. People enjoyed it. But they should let it end here. Take the W and go home happy.

Still this is obviously the kind of movie where you really shouldn't be surprised that it turns out to be kind of dumb and dull, so it's a waste of time to complain about it. Like I said, there were really only two things that were truly objectionable due to being "unrealistic" and one was live ammo just lying arounf during that kind of training exercise. The other was the fact that not a single one of these guys, either immediately or at any other point in the film, identified this thing as an alien war mech. These are U.S. Army soldiers, people, and those are some of the most anime-watching motherfuckers that I have ever met. At least half that group would've clocked this thing as a "mech" right away, and yet no one ever says these words out loud. (Thumb's down/Fart noise)

In the end, if you've got a lazy sunday afternoon, and the idea of G.I. Joe versus Transformers is even vaguely appealing to you, sure... you could definitely do better, but you could also do much worse.