Warriors of the Future

When a meteor carrying a destructive plant strikes the world, a suicide squad is given hours to save their post-apocalyptic city from total collapse.

Okay, get comfortable…

So, the beginning of the film goes on and on about climate change and a bunch of wars, and how things have gotten generally really shitty, so bad that the Chinese are building domes for people to live under, that will filter out the pollution. But then a big meteor enters suddenly from Stage Left and hits China. What a plot twist, right? But wait, there’s more… The meteor has a giant plant rooted within it, like a cosmic dirt clod hurled into a neighboring yard. It’s unclear whether this space plant is a sentient being or not, but either way, it’s certainly aggressive about claiming its space and establishing boundaries, as it immediately startes growing really big, really fast, knocking over buildings and crushing vehicles, and every time it gets wet, it freaks out even more, growing wildly, thrashing about, smashing through even more buildings, all of which has made the city unlivable, forcing it to be evacuated and abandoned. Also, it’s got these praying mantis-looking dog things that are protecting it…

In a nutshell, it’s all around bad news for local real estate prices.

So, with all of this nonsense now firmly set in place, the prologue comes to an end, and the plot of the movie is finally revealed: a group of army guys in iron man suits, with big guns, but for some reason no Roundup Sprayers, are going into the ruined city to put some goo on the plant’s pistil…

Ahem… Pay attention, class… the plant’s pistil is analogous to a vagina/womb. The stamen is what would be considered to be a plant’s penis.

(Shout out to Mr. Odell’s 10th grade biology class!)

Anyway, apparently the goo will tame the giant plant somehow? Or maybe it lobotmizes the plant? Either way, once the goo has been slathered all over the plant’s waiting pistil, the plant will be used to scrub the atmosphere of the pollution that is choking the planet. How? I don’t know. Maybe just passively? I’m not sure. Whatever. The point is, this idea makes the people responsible for making the domes super mad. They spent a lot of money on the domes, and if the air is clean, there’d be no more use for them, and they won’t get paid to build more either! They’ll go flat broke, and lose everything. That can’t be allowed to happen. What about the economy! How are the CEOs supposed to afford their super yachts, let alone their regular yachts?

So, because capitalism is bad, and more concerned with profit than it is people, the evil capitalists corrupt the army guys’ robot helpers, all of whom are built like brick shithouse hunter/killer droids for some reason, in order to sabotage the mission, and then… well, after that it’s mostly a lot of jumping around, and crashing into things in big vehicles, and lots of shooting, with tons of yelling and explosions.

Y’know… action movie stuff.

China’s big budget action films deliver pretty much the exact same kind of thing that any Micheal Bay action film does, and in pretty much the same ways: they’re all a lot of big set pieces, tons of cgi, even more explosions, and all of it sprinkled liberally with tough guy banter to fill the occasional silences. Is this live action video game of a film a bunch of Chinese military propaganda? Yes, absolutely, much in the same way that pretty much every Micheal Bay film is American military propaganda. The main difference you’ll see here is Warriors of the Future is a really drab and boring looking film, lots of gunmetal grays and shadowy blues, and way too much computer screen green. If you say one thing about Micheal Bay’s films… they’re god damn beautiful, so I was really missing those glorious Golden Hour shots here.

Melodramatic, overwrought, packed with nonstop action, and heroes powered by steely-eyes regrets and grim determination, where the bad guy is a giant plant, and also some robots, all while blatantly stealing imagery from maybe dozens of American action movies, in a cacophonous din of a film that will do its level best to wear you the fuck out by the time the credits roll? Fine. I’m in. Is it fun and crazy? Yeah, mostly. Is it also complete gibberish? Also yes.

Take a gummy, you’ll be fine.