Yeti Massacre

Yeti Massacre is a “documentary” that dives into the mystery of The Dyatlov Pass incident of 1959, and explores the possibility that the victims were actually killed by a murderous yeti, possibly one that was bred to kill by Stalin.

The Dyatlov Pass incident is just one of those things, a strange event with no surviving witnesses, something just weird enough that it defies most explanations at least to some degree, and as a result, gives birth to untold numbers of conspiracies.

In a nutshell, it goes like this…

One night in 1959, deep within the Ural Mountains in Russian, nine experienced hikers ended up dead when something caused them to cut their way out of their tents and flee their campsite into the frigid night. The goal of their trip had been to reach Otorten, a mountain 6 miles north of their campsite, but the hikers never made it, there were no survivors. They were all found dead in various places and in various groupings, all away from their tents, in various states of undress, with some allegedly even wearing clothing that didn’t belong to them. Six died from hypothermia, one from major skull damage, and two from severe chest trauma, but those last three had no external injuries that matched those fractures, almost as if they had been crushed. One was found with blackened fingers, and third-degree burns on their foot, and inside their mouth was a chunk of flesh they had bitten off their own right hand. One of them had on burned socks. Four were found lying in running water in a creek. Two had missing eyes, one had a missing tongue, and one had missing eyebrows, which, admittedly, could’ve just been a personal style choice.

Like I said, Dyatlov Pass is just one of those events.

Conspiracies seem to fly out of it. What was responsible for these deaths? A test of some secret Russian Super Science Project, or just run-of-the-mill cruelty in Stalin’s Russia? Was it due to the simple failure of Russian infrastructure, or to the angry local indigenous population? Was it due to some rare and dangerous freak weather, or just the result of the basic kinds of terrible weather conditions you would find in winter in the Ural Mountains? Was it due to aliens, just in general, or was it due to some kind of strange event, like a meteor strike? Endless theories, on and on, each one crazier than the last. Why? Because everyone who was actually there is dead, and have been for decades. It probably doesn’t help that Mount Otorten, the end goal of the hikers’ whole trip, translates to “Don’t go there.”

These days, the widely accepted explanation for the Dytalov Pass incident is that the deaths were avalanche related, but according to the experts featured in Yeti Massacre, the people who accept this explanation are fools.

Fools!

Yeti Massacre is a film that dares to ask the questions that no one else dares to ask, the kind of brave, clenched-jaw super-journalism that will look you in the eye and ask: “Where did the Yeti come from? Are they ancient creatures from the Wild, or were they biologically engineered to kill? Possibly by Hitler, or maybe even Stalin?” Also, “Who killed the hikers in the Dyatlov Pass?” If you watch Yeti Massacre, you’ll see… there’s only one rational answer: A killer Russian Yeti.

This is a film that you can’t really recommend on any level, and it’s definitely not good in any way, but it’s still kind of fun. It’s mostly just some cheap dipshit showcase half-parody meant for the bowels of basic cable that—most likely due to David Zaslav being the scumbag Corporate Raider currently dismantling Warner Brothers—has now ended up on HBOMax like it’s a real film. Or… maybe Yeti Massacre really does think it’s a real Documentary, uncovering the unknown, revealing secrets to the world that the powers-that-be don’t want you to know…

But does it really matter?

At the level of lunatic nonsense being presented here, if there’s no tip, if there’s no wink, what’s the actual difference between a tongue-in-cheek satire and a bunch of tinfoil hat stupidity?

For me, the most impressive part of this whole film is the way it boldly adds new meaning to the words “rampant and wildly irresponsible speculation.” Also, just fyi, Cryptozoologists are my favorite kind of crank. I have a theory that the cryptozoology field is the prime demographic supporting the fedora and suspenders industry, and for that, I salute them.