Office Romance

CEO Jackie Cruz and in-house counsel Daniel Blanchflower break company rules by falling in love.

I just want it to be clear from the start, I had no interest in watching the latest shitty film in the “Jennifer Lopez is desperate to regain her stardom” tour. The last one, the sci-fi film where she‘s driving a Mech Suit was bad enough, I can’t imagine anything worse than watching the fallen star of a former Rom-Com queen returning to the lands that she once ruled.

Because Jennifer Lopez was once a big name with these. Honestly, for a time, she was once the name. She was a hit maker, as reliable a box office win in every Rom-Com she appeared in that a person could be. She was pure Star Power, and not just in terms of presence either, but in talent, a fact she reminded the world of in the film Hustlers.

But that was a long time ago.

And not just in terms of “Hollywood time” either, but in actual objective time too. Hustlers was seven plus years ago. Since then, she’s been bouncing back and forth between crappy action films and crappy Rom-Coms, low value productions that do nothing but make her own value as a star grow dimmer, and each new attempt to recapture that faded glory only gets more and more sad. At this point, it’s obvious that whatever wattage she might once have possessed has faded.

So yeah, I wasn’t going to bother watching this movie.

But then I heard this film has graphic nudity in it.

What the fuck? For real?

Honestly, I was not expecting graphic nudity from a Netflix/Jennifer Lopez late era Rom-Com, so… my curiosity was piqued. What could it possibly be?

Would it happen in some wacky chaotic scene where Brett Goldstein‘s character is supposed to meet Jennifer Lopez’s character’s parents for the first time, while at a nice dinner party at her house, but he gets splashed with mud on the way over, so he’s in Jennifer’s guest shower, while his clothes are being washed, but–uh oh!–all the towels are gone because the maid didn’t know anyone would be using the guest room, and since his clothes are in the wash, he has to scurry across the house to get them back with only a tiny washcloth to hide his shame! What a wacky and chaotic situation! He almost makes it too! But just when he thinks he's home-free, he turns around and... Ah! It's her mother! She screams! He screams! Jennifer and her dad rush in to see what's happening! They scream! Brett screams and drops the wash cloth, and everyone sees his hairy dong, and as he scrambles to get the wash cloth, they all bump into each other and fall down, as everyone is trying to get away from each other in the kind of panic that only ensues when a naked man suddenly enters the scene, and his penis drags across her dad's face? How will their burgeoning relationship ever recover?

It’s got to be something like this, right? A moment about as edgy as a “look how stoned we all are” joke, and yet, still somewhat transgressive, which means "having to see a penis" in American society.

Or...

Is Jennifer Lopez going to show some bush here? After all, she’s looking to create some new buzz, right? Plus, it’s pretty late in her career, and admittedly, she’s still looking good... Maybe now’s the time? Like, maybe she’s shopping for a new dress for the big gala at the country club, where she plans to win the new contract for the company, and Brett is along as she is shopping and trying stuff on, because they're also frantically working on "the big merger" and they're talking terms on multiple phones, while also discussing these terms with each other over the dressing room stall, and that's when it happens... due to a wacky miscommunication, Brett thinks she asks him to come in to dressing room, so he accidentally walks in on her, and she’s like “AH! I’m nekkid!“ and does that little hand-dance that does a poor job of covering herself, so we get a whole tour of the goodies, and it is soooo shocking and mortifying! Brett is bumbling about with his eyes closed, trying not to look because he's a gentleman, and maybe there’s a bra on his face, because she threw it at him in a panic, and he’s making very embarrassed British noises, his hands out, trying to find the doorknob, but he can't because his eyes are closed, and he can't get the bra off his head, and they're bumping into each other, and Oh no! That’s a boob, not a doorknob! How will their burgeoning relationship ever recover?

But y'know what? I find this unlikely. After all, Hustlers was all about strippers, and it was more arty, and had more awards notice, so if she didn’t get naked there, why would she get naked here?

Really, judging by the film’s trailer, I honestly have no idea where, or even why, there would be any nudity in this film. That it’s also the kind of nudity that would then get labeled as graphic, instead of just plain old nudity, or even brief nudity? Mind-boggling. What the hell is going on here? I'm just surprised. It feels so out of place. These particular kinds of films are like the suburban good girl older sister of Hallmark movies. Scrolling through Netflix and seeing a warning label like that on a Jennifer Lopez Rom-Com is like seeing that a Minions movie has been labelled as containing “intensive bloody violence and gore.” Motherfucker, what? What could it possibly be? I have no idea, so now I have to watch this film.

My guess is that it will be dongs. Lots and lots of dong.

A parade of dangling dongs.

Because maybe this film feels like it's "breaking the mold" and this time, instead of the man doing the classic third act “run for your love” Rom-Com moment, it's the woman who does it. So, it will be Jennifer Lopez chasing after Brett Goldstein after realizing that she made a mistake by ending things, and that all she wants... is him. But she has to go into a men’s steam room to tell him this, after running all the way across the city in a fancy ball gown, but luckily she gets a ride from some friendly construction workers, who at first glance, you wouldn't think that they were all a bunch of hopeless romantics, but they are. So, she goes in the steam room, and it's super steamy in there and she’s lost in the fog, and her glasses get all steamed up, and she's hesitantly moving through the steam, and she sees shapes in the fog, so she wipes her glasses clean, just as the fog clears and she finds herself—BOI-YOI-YOI-YOING!—surrounded by a truly wacky amount of old man dongs! Ah! Oh my god! Penises! She panics and since everything is steamy and slippery, she falls and everywhere she turns, there's weird old man dong, and she’s trying to find her way out, crawling about on her hands and knees, penises bobbling everywhere, and she looks up and oh no, another penis! But it’s Brett Goldstein’s! Oh, sweet relief! And he's like “what are you doing here?” And she’s like “I was looking for penis—I mean you! I was looking for you!” Because she’s so flustered, right? But he just laughs warmly, "oh, you..." and he helps her up, and they're holding hands, and as the fog clears, we realize that they're standing at their wedding! Oh, my goodness, are these two ever made for each other or what? And they live happily ever after!

That’s got to be it, right?

Let’s find out.

So…

Jackie Cruz is the no-nonsense CEO and President of Air Cruz, a major airline founded by her father. Constantly under scrutiny not just by her not-really-retired father, but also from the company board, who still think of her as her father’s baby girl, and desperate to prove her worth, Jackie runs a tight ship. But unfortunately, Jackie's hyper-focus on her career has left her very, very single, and with no relationship prospects on the horizon.

But this perfectly curated life is threatened by the arrival of Daniel Blanchflower, a British attorney who recently moved to the U.S. because of a non-traditional family obligation. He is a new member of the company’s legal counsel. One day, Daniel is assigned a high-stakes case that forces him to work closely with Jackie.

Due to working in such close proximity, Jackie and Daniel start to get all tingly in their pants for each other. But what are they going to do? Air Cruz has a firm anti-fraternization policy, that means no dating, no kissing, and definitely no fucking! And that 100% includes the President and CEO herself, even if she does have a banging 50-odd year old bikini body!

But Jackie and Daniel cannot deny the tingle, and they start doing it immediately. Pretty much everywhere too. All over the building. Their offices. The copy room. The elevator. Even while flying in a company plane.

I forgot to mention, Jackie is a pilot.

But because of the policy, and also because of potential mergers and other business talk, they have to keep it secret. Unfortunately, they’re just too hot for one another. Jackie and Daniel just cannot stop happily violating the hell out of not just the Air Cruz anti-fraternization company policy, but each other’s bodies too, presumably.

That means butt stuff. Both ways. Probably.

Eventually, the opposing legal counsel of the company that is trying to buy Air Cruz uses Jackie and Daniel’s rampant humping against them, threatening not only the future of Air Cruz, but Jackie’s standing with her father and the board. They must break up.

That means there’s only one thing left to do… A last minute rush by Daniel to the big Air Cruz press conference to declare his love publicly for Jackie. It works. The company is safe once again, and all is right with the world. In celebration, Jackie and Daniel rewrite the company rule book, declaring Air Cruz to be a Fuck Fest Friendly Zone, which the employees wackily embrace, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Spoiler: it was a baby’s head popping out of a vagina.

The graphic nudity? It turns out it was a scene where the hidden relationship chaos reaches a boiling point, and a pregnant character starts to give birth during all the wacky hijinks, and so, as everyone is arguing and doing their Lamaze breathing... pop! A very clearly rubber vagina shoots out what was very clearly a doll’s head.

So graphic, you guys!

An otherwise by-the-numbers rom-com, written by Brett Goldstein, that hits all the classic rom-com beats at the exact moments that you’d expect it to, the film’s main issue is Jennifer Lopez’s lack of chemistry with anyone else appearing in the movie. That, and the fact that the crux of all of the comedy is “HR violations” and “Wow, British and American society sure is different, huh?”

The tagline “It’s going down” that you see on the poster, is a good example of the film's preferred joke. A rare triple entendre, not only does this joke mean that the romance is happening, it’s also an oral sex reference, and perhaps funniest of all… it’s an elevator joke. Get it?

Wakka wakka!