The Mandalorian and Grogu

In the wake of the fall of the Empire, the fledgling New Republic recruits the Mandalorian bounty hunter Din Djarin, and his young apprentice Grogu, to hunt down Imperial war criminals trying to escape justice.

If you’re a regular reader, you‘re probably aware that I don’t normally talk about newly released films here. I used to go to things right away, but now I usually wait until they’ve streaming. Despite this, here we are with the recently released The Mandalorian and Grogu, the first Star Wars film in seven years (since 2019’s Rise of Skywalker, a film that I’ve never seen and never will), and the reason why is, I decided to take a now rare trip to the theatre to see this one.

As I said, I used to go to movies in the theatre a lot. I went sneak previews, midnight shows, and to film festivals. I would sometimes even take the day off to see multiple films at the multiplex at the Mall of America.

Not so much anymore.

It’s for a myriad reasons, mostly COVID-related, but also cost vs value returned, honestly. Still, sometimes I make an exception. Although, to be fair, it’s not that big an ask. There’s a small, single screen theatre just a block down the street, and matinees are only $5. Plus, since it’s a small theatre, during the day, especially during the school year, its usually pretty sparsely attended. So, I'll sometimes walk down the street and go to a film during the day. I wear a mask, of course, which is not just being safe and avoiding unnecessary risks, as well as being considerate of my community, it’s also a nice way to cut back on snacks, which is how Big Theatre gets you… But I know what you’re wondering.

Why would I choose to go to this particular film?

Fair question. I mean, let’s be honest here, no one has high expectations for this movie. Plus, my little neighborhood theatre is small and old—its lobby is the same as when it was renovated in 1956—but while the presentation is fine, it’s definitely no IMAX or anything, so why not go to a film that maybe isn’t so dependent on big screen special effects, like The Backrooms or Obsession, for example?

Well, for one, it’s a single screen theatre. So, I get the choice I get. And besides, if those two films, or similar ones, did show up there, I still probably wouldn’t go see them. I‘d rather see films like that at home, where I can have a more pleasant and uninterrupted viewing experience. Whereas, with films like The Mandalorian and Grogu, I’m a little more okay with seeing those in a space where the hoi polloi may potentially ruin it. Like, for instance, how my neighborhood theatre mostly caters to visibly decaying Boomers who have completely lost their ability to whisper, and go to the movies solely so they can loudly ask each other what was just said and/or what just happened or who is talking, or more often, just chatting idly about their day. And yes, I’ll admit it, this is mostly just me. This is my thing. I just don't like it. I don't like people. You just can't trust them, especially now. Plus, I simply don’t believe in the value of the theatre experience with the masses anymore. Not unless it’s under certain carefully curated conditions, but since theatres no longer employ projectionists—mostly because they don’t show movies on actual film anymore—so I can’t go and get that job again, so I can watch movies by myself after hours, and what with the Alamo Drafthouse now fully dead, after a sustained effort to do everything it could to make me hate it as a franchise, despite my fervent desire to love it, that leaves Tuesday matinees at my local theatre as my only option. And for $5 a pop? That’s about as close to ideal as I can imagine. My point is, films like this don‘t take a whole lot of active engagement, because these things are the cinematic equivalent of fireworks, so... whatever.

Plus, as I’m sure those of you who know me can attest, much like many old men of my generation, I have a long history with Star Wars.

A space opera set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Star Wars is the creation of filmmaker George Lucas during the New Hollywood era. Born from a mix of inspirations, including serial pulp adventures, samurai films, and Joseph Campbell's book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, it all started back in 1977 with the original film, and quickly became a worldwide pop culture phenomenon, as well as one of the highest-grossing franchises of all time, and now, everyone knows it. It’s a ubiquitous part of our culture. Even if you’ve never seen any of Star Wars in any of its various incarnations, which honestly seems impossible at this point, everyone can still easily recognize several different aspects of it.

The modern era of Star Wars has been shepherded by a trio of creative visions, producer and former President of Lucasfilm, Kathleen Kennedy, filmmaker Jon Favreau, and filmmaker, and current President and Chief Creative Officer of Lucasfilm, Dave Filoni.

Kathleen Kennedy has been the Producer or an Executive Producer on basically every film that you love for the past forty-plus years, some of the greatest films of all time. Look her up. It’s an absolutely legendary career. Jon Favreau is a massive presence in Hollywood too, although a somewhat more surprising one, at least to me. Probably because I still think of him as Mikey from Swingers. But whatever I may think, he’s definitely money now, as he is not only responsible for Elf, one of the all-time greatest Christmas movies—and also those kind of creepy CGI/live action Disney film remakes—but he’s responsible for starting the MCU as well, as he made the first Iron Man movie. Dave Filoni was not only personally mentored by Lucas, but Lucas intended him to be the torchbearer of his original vision when Star Wars was purchased by Disney. Filoni has since created, co-created, written, directed, produced, and/or executive produced most of the Star Wars animated and live-action series since, from the Clone Wars cartoon (the film and tv series), to The Bad Batch, Star Wars Rebels, Skeleton Crew, Maul: Shadow Lord, The Book of Boba Fett, Ahsoka, and probably some that I’ve forgotten about (but not Andor), succeeding in creating an entire new roster of characters, all of which have their own storylines that are now as central to the series as the original heroes. In short, ever since he and John Favreau created The Mandalorian together, it’s been Dave Fioloni's voice most responsible for shaping the current Star Wars universe.

This has some pros and cons, of course, maybe more cons than pros, sure, depending on who you ask, like me for instance. But all that aside... inarguably, the biggest pro in Filoni's favor might be that the entire point of most of the modern day Star Wars shows—almost all of which fill in the narrative space between the films of the Prequel Trilogy, between the Prequel trilogy and the Original Trilogy, and between the Original Trilogy and the Sequel Trilogy—would be his sincere effort to explain away just what the fuck the word “somehow” means in one of the worst executed plot twists to ever appear in the history of stories…

S0 fucking bad.

But yeah, it's true... The Mandalorian, Ahsoka, Bad Batch, Obi-Wan Kenobi, on an on, there's a clear narrative thread running through all these shows, and the whole point is to try to provide a history of the Emporer's efforts to clone himself, so that it doesn't look like JJ Abrams just pulled the Emporer's resurrection out of his butt because he's an untalented hack and a terrible storyteller, even though that's exactly what happened.

Whether it works or not, at the very least, I appreciate Filoni's retcon efforts.

In short, Filoni’s living the dream, because he's a fan, a mega fan, maybe even The Fan. He’s VERY into this franchise. VERY into it. He digs and digs for meaning in every aspect of this stuff, and even if its provenance might be somewhat suspect, he always finds it. This is as it should be, I suppose, after all, he is in charge of the whole Star Wars kit and caboodle, but still… sometimes it seems like he's trying to avoid calling a spade a spade, especially when that spade sucks. Still, in the end, if you could only say one thing about Dave Filoni, it’s that he’s cares. He 100% cares about this franchise.

Of course, if you were going to say a second thing about Dave Filoni, it would be that he's a Hat Guy.

So what, right? Lots of people wear hats, Jon. Yeah, no shit. I don’t mean “he’s someone who wears hats on occasion,” I mean… he’s a Hat Guy. As in, Dave Filoni basically only ever wears one hat, and it's all the fucking time. And what makes this extra weird, is that it’s also a strangely inappropriate hat. Y’see, Dave Filoni is your standard issue white nerd man. Surprise, right? My point is, he’s neither tall nor short, he’s not necessarily fat, but he's not really that fit either. He struggles with maintaining presentable facial hair. Picture a guy in a superhero t-shirt, cargo shorts, and man-sandals with socks. You know the type. I mean, look in the mirror, right? One of us! One of us! Gooba gobble, gooba gobble, we accept him, we accept him, one of us, one of us! Right? Okay, now picture that kind of guy… also wearing a cowboy hat… all the time. Tuxedo? Cowboy hat. Weird brown leather jacket and dad jeans? Cowboy hat. Ill-fitting suit and tie? Cowboy hat. Too-long shorts and a stretched-out t-shirt? Cowboy hat. Big white “basketball” sneakers? Cowboy hat. Google him. Cowboy hat, all day, every day, 24/7.

Dave Filoni is not a cowboy. He’s from Pittsburgh.

I always wonder about Hat Guys. I wonder about that first moment, the moment where they were just a regular guy, and then… then, they see it. Perhaps they look up and see it on a shelf, or pause in passing a store window, catching it out of the corner of their eye. However it happened, whenever, wherever it happened, from that moment on... they were a Hat Guy. In that moment, they looked, they saw it, they saw The Hat, the hat that they will now wear from then on forever, and the whole world stopped. This is their hat. They know this instantly. They know it in their soul. This hat... is their missing piece, and with it, they'll finally be complete. In my mind, he catches his breath, and he reaches for it. His fingers stretch out, slow and hesitant, as if fearing being burned, his eyes wide and his face enrapt. At the last, he seizes it! He clutches it to his chest for a moment, breath coming in quick gasps, his heart a’flutter, and then finally, and with great reverence, shoves it down upon his head. It's a perfect fucking fit. He knew it would be, for this is his hat. It was made for him. And thus at last becrowned, he lifts his face to the heavens, fists clenched, and roars, "See me, o’ universe! See me! For this… this is my hat!" And ever since that moment, he's been a Hat Guy.

Dave Filoni actually appears in this movie. You’ll recognize him by his hat.

But ill-considered hat choices aside, The Mandalorian was a great idea.

Finally capitalizing on the immense love of the fans for the bounty hunters and smugglers end of the franchise, not to mention Boba Fett, while also largely ignoring the Skywalker Saga, and the tedious Apple Store-like world of the Jedi, The Mandalorian revitalized the brand in a time when Star Wars was in trouble, a time when it should’ve been at its strongest.

Because the sequel trilogy was in collapse.

The Force Awakens had been financially successful, both the original cast and the new cast were great, but the film was critically panned. This is due to the sadly all too common confluence of the fact that the masses have shit tastes, and because it was a terrible film that mostly undermined the Original Trilogy’s story, all while inexplicably rehashing its story beats. Then, The Last Jedi came out, and it was simply too good a film, more brilliant than the franchise frankly deserved. This upset the misogynistic bigots of fandom, who then caused no end of problems, as misogynistic bigots tend to do when they feel like they are not being prioritized. The result was the neutered, consultant committee approved idiotic garbage that was the third and final film, The Rise of Skywalker. Despite being the second most expensive film ever made, The Rise of Skywalker went on to be the lowest grossing one of the sequel trilogy, and didn’t even crack the top five of the highest grossing films of that year. It is now widely considered to be a colossal disappointment with both critics and fans alike, and even the most opposed of fandom sets seem to be able to agree on one thing… it was a fucking terrible film.

Which is why I’ve never bothered to see it. I don’t need to cross the yard, actually step in dog shit, and then sniff my shoe to know that I’ve stepped in dog shit. I can see it clearly from here…. That’s dog shit.

But then…

Premiering with the launch of the Disney+ streaming platform on November 12, 2019, The Mandalorian was the first live-action series in the Star Wars franchise. Set a few years after the events of Return of the Jedi, it followed the Lone Wolf and Cub-type adventures of a lone bounty hunter and a Force-sensitive child across the back-end of that galaxy far, far away that we all know and love, as they fight aliens, gangsters, monsters, and the remnants of the Empire. And it had a truly kick-ass soundtrack. It ran from December 27th, and finished just one week after The Rise of Skywalker had been released. It was a huge success, loved right from the start, giving fandom something that they could cling to. "The films suck, sure, but hey… at least the Mandalorian is cool." Without the Mandalorian, The Rise of Skywalker might've sunk the entire brand, maybe not permanently, but at the very least for a good long while. So, if you're mad about Star Wars being everywhere, blame The Mandalorian.

Anyway...

The Mandalorian - Din Darin

Din Djarin is a human male raised as a Mandalorian warrior. A mysterious Man-With-No-Name type, for a long time, he was simply known as ”the Mandalorian," or "Mando" before his name was finally revealed.

Born on the planet Aq Vetina in the waning years of the Galactic Republic, he was orphaned during a Separatist Droid attack in the Clone Wars, but was saved by the intervention of Mandalorian warriors. He was then raised as a Mandalorian on the planet Concordia, taken in as a foundling by a group known as the Children of the Watch, an orthodox religious sect that had broken off from the more mainstream Mandalorian society. As a part of that sect, Djarin vowed to walk the Way of the Mandalore, which meant swearing to never remove his helmet and reveal his face to another living being. This meant that he was probably pretty pale under there, and also that Pedro Pascal rarely had to be on set.

In addition to the myriad weapons built into his distinctive Mandalorian-style armor, he carries an IB-94 blaster pistol and an Amban sniper rifle, and travels the Outer Rim Territories in his ST-70 Assault Ship, the Razor Crest, while working as a feared member of the Bounty Hunters' Guild.

The Child - Grogu

Grogu, now known as Din Grogu, after he was adopted by Din Djarin, is a Force-sensitive Mandalorian, a male of the same unknown/unclassified species as the legendary Jedi Master Yoda. I don't know why there is a mystery around what the name of Yoda and Grogu's species is, but I assume they will eventually make a tv show about it.

Born in the year 41 BBY (Before the Battle of Yavin - meaning the events of the original movie), he was raised in the Jedi Temple on the planet Coruscant as an Initiate of the Jedi Order. With the rise of the Empire, and the Great Jedi Purge, Grogu was taken into hiding, and by 9 ABY (After the Battle of Yavin) ended up at a Nikto mercenary hideout on Arvala-7. Still an infant despite being 50, and known simply as The Child, he was hunted by a mysterious and unconventional ex-Imperial on behalf of the Imperial warlord Moff Gideon. Din Djarin accepted the job of finding the child, but upon doing so, had a change of heart, and he accepted Grogu as a foundling. Eventually, Grogu was faced with the choice of learning to be a Jedi at Jedi Master Luke Skywalker’s new Jedi academy, or training to become a Mandalorian himself under Din Djarin.

He chose Mandalorian.

The biggest marketing/merchandising fail in all of history was when Disney/Star Wars did NOT have Baby Yoda merchandise ready for people to spend an ungodly amount of money on after his initial reveal in the first season the Mandalorian. I imagine that the person ultimately responsible for that particular dropped-ball is now unemployed, or at least, they should be. I mean, c'mon... not one fucking plushie? What the fuck is wrong with you?

The Show

The Mandalorian, the series, is set 5 years after the events of Return of the Jedi.

The Mandalorian and the Grogu, the film, is set soon after the events of the third season of The Mandalorian, which saw Din Djarin, and his new young apprentice, Grogu, agreeing to work for the New Republic, utilizing his bounty hunter skills to hunt down ex-Imperials across the galaxy, and bring them to justice.

This is, in a nutshell, basically what the whole film is about.

The evil GALACTIC EMPIRE has fallen.
Ex-Imperial Warlords remain scattered throughout the galaxy, plotting the Empire's return.
The fledgling NEW REPUBLIC has begun to reunite the galaxy.
In the Lawless Outer Rim, THE MANDALORIAN and his young apprentice GROGU work to hunt down these Imperial fugitives....

After a successful mission taking out an ex-Imperial warlord—where we are reintroduced to Zeb Orrelios, a Lasat warrior and ally of the Mandalorian, one of the many characters to make the leap from animation to live action in this new era of Star Wars, in this case from the cartoon Rebels, whose character design is based off the original design of Chewbacca by Ralph McQuarrie‘s original concept art—the Mandalorian bounty hunter Din Djarin, and his apprentice, Grogu, return to the Outer Rim New Republic outpost on Adelphi.

There, Djarin and Grogu are tasked by New Republic commander Ward—sci-fi’s long-reigning queen, Sigourney Weaver—to find a mysterious ex-Imperial warlord known as Commander Coin. The New Republic has brokered a deal for intel on his whereabouts with the Hutt Twins, the current successors to the criminal empire of the deceased crime-lord Jabba, but only if the New Republic rescues Jabba's son and heir, Rotta—a character who was introduced as a baby, along with Ahsoka Tano, in animated film The Clone Wars, where he known as “Stinky.” In order to get Djarin to accept the job, Ward gives him a new Razor Crest ship, which is great, as it was a mistake to blow it up in the series, because it’s a much better ship than the Naboo N-1 Starfighter they replaced it with in season three.

Djarin arrives on the planet Shakari, and learns from an Ardennian sandwich maker—the four-armed monkey species last seen in the film Solo (which for some inexplicable reason is voiced here by Martin Scorsese, a formerly great filmmaker, who liked to talk shit about cinema, and has recently came out as pro-AI, because Boomers are apparently a bunch of easily-duped stupid marks, with zero internet literacy skills, and no concern about the future of the planet no matter how many times it’s explained to them, a fact proven by a simple perusal of Facebook)—that Rotta is a popular gladiator in a fighting pit owned by a local crime lord known as Janu… a character who just so happens to be an older white guy with a British accent. Gosh, I wonder if he’s an ex-Imperial…

Anyway, Rotta—which the film claims is voiced by Jeremy Allen White, but I just don’t believe it—now more Hulk than Hutt, is desperate to step out of his deceased father's massive shadow, and is enjoying his gladiator celebrity status. He refuses to let Djarin rescue him. When Djarin tries to buy Rotta’s freedom, Janus refuses, revealing that he plans to make a ton of money by betting against Rotta in his next match, and then rigging it so that Rotta loses… by dying. Djarin tells Rotta this, but Rotta is a big narc, so he alerts the guards, and both he and Djarin end up stuck in the fighting pit. Djarin deservedly whoops Rotta’s ass, but they end up fighting the same monsters from the Dejarik holo-chess game from the original Star Wars—the game where we learn that Chewbacca is such a psychotic sore loser, he‘s known to maim people if he loses a board game. Djarin and Rotta first work together to beat on the monsters, but then they free all them, so that they then can all escape into the city, even though that means the monsters will most likely murder and eat who knows how many innocents simply commuting to work. Although, to be fair, no of them are truly innocent, seeing as how the main form of entertainment seems to revolve around slaves fighting to the death, so they all probably deserves it a bit in a "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" kind of way.

So, then Mando explains to Rotta that he needs to give him to the Twins in exchange for Coin's whereabouts, which is when Rotta claims that the Twins only want him so they can kill him and take over the Hutt Cartel, and in order to avoid this, he then tells Djarin that Janu is actually Coin, the mysterious Imperial they are hunting for. Gasp! Right? Anyway, Djarin and Zeb nab Janu, and bring him back to Adelphi Base.

Everything seems pretty hunky-dory at this point, the adventure is over, and Djarin has some Anzellans—those Minion-talking little guys that look like burn-victim Doozers from Fraggle Rock that people seem to love and I don’t know why—modify the Razor Crest, and he also gets Rotta a ride to somewhere so he can start a new crime-free life. Unfortunately, the Hutt Twins are pissed, so they nab Rotta, and send a bounty hunter named Embo (who has a dog) to nab Djarin, and bring him to the twins on Nal Hutta. The dog takes one of the Anzellans as a chew toy, so the other three Anzellans are like “Whoa, dude, bad news,” and other minion-like gibberish, so they and Grogu saddle up and mount a rescue mission.

Meanwhile, The Hutt Twins have taken off Din Djarin’s helmet, because they’re jerks, and they know he hates that, but this way we actually get to see Pedro Pascal in the film that he is starring in, while fighting giant swamp monsters called a Dragonsnake.

And with that, let‘s just pause here a moment so that I may complain…

First glimpsed in 1980's fantastic film, The Empire Strikes Back, when Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 arrived on Dagobah, it’s body briefly breaking the water’s surface, before swallowing and spitting out Artoo, the Dragonsnaker is a large, predatory reptile native to swampy planets like Dagobah and Nal Hutta, and if I am being honest, I find the fact that it’s name is “Dragonsnake” to be stupid and boring. I’m always disappointed when stories set in fictional places, like galaxies far, far away for instance, settle for the easiest and most boring version of possible names. It’s not like it’s a deal breaker or anything, but I’d much rather it was a Burgelsm’onger or Tila Tila Toma’tatah or even Skibblesnapkah or just... a Feert. I mean, they call the music that they're playing in the catina in the first Star Wars movie "jizz" ...JIZZ... With a straightface, they say: "What's that music playing in the Cantina? Oh, that's Jizz," and yet they can't call a giant snake a "Feert"? Fucking bullshit, man. Anything would be better than “Dragonsnake.”

But I digress...

Anyway, Mando recovers his helmet and escapes with the help of Grogu and the Anzellans, but he’s poisoned in the process. Unable to fit aboard the ridiculously small Anzellan ship (which was an obvious flaw in the plan from the very start, you stupid Anzellans), he and Grogu stay behind on Nal Hutta to hold off the bad guys and cover the Anzellans' escape. Djarin succumbs to the venom, but Grogu is able to get an antidote from a friendly local. The next day, now fully recovered, Djarin and Grogu decides to go after the Twins, and free Rotta in the process, instead of fleeing, mostly because it’s been about an hour and forty-five minutes, so it’s time to start wrapping things up, but also because running now would mean running forever. This means it’s time for the climatic battle, with all the requisite running, shooting, jumping, grunting, and bad ass declarations. Plus, the Anzellans return, bringing Ward and a New Republic squadron of X-wings and Y-wings and U-wings with them, so its a veritable cornucopia of pew-pew noises and explosions. In the end, the Twins' and their army of bad guys get what’s coming from them.

With that’s done, everything is hunky-dory once again… for now.

The End

There’s 3 basic flavors to the various kinds of Star Wars movies/shows/books… The Goonies, Law & Order, and Flash Gordon. The Mandalorian and Grogu is a Flash Gordon.

That means that it’s generally big and silly and bombastic and pulpy, with giant monsters and mustache-twiddling villains and daring-do and shoot-outs and all of that, all while the Mandalorian wears magic armor that can deflect anything, and the stormtroopers and various bad guys are wearing armor made of papier-mâché. It also means a myriad of repeated scenes that clearly restate various motivations, and a plethora of generic dialogue during its action scenes that basically amount to “Let’s go!” and "Ah!" and “Yay!” It also means there’s a nearly constant stream of callbacks to the many easily recognizable things that made this franchise famous. And of course, it's yet another examples of Star Wars’ weird fetish for making everything in its big ol' galaxy as small and as interrelated as possible.

But that’s okay…

Because like I said, The Mandalorian and Grogu is a pulpy Flash Gordon kind of adventure story. It’s silly, charming, and fun, a safely-thrilling rollercoaster with a very distinctive Steven Spielberg/Amblin Entertainment kind of feel to its George Lucas created world. It may not be a kid’s rollercoaster in the same way something like Skeleton Crew was, like I said, it’s Flash Gordon, not the Goonies, but just like it’s important to have good ”Middle Grade” fiction for kids, it's important to have “Young Adult” fiction available for kids to step up into when they're ready for something a little more complex, but still not quite ready for titties and blood, the fiction equivalent of splashing around in the shallow end of the adult pool.

Because like I said, while it’s not really an “adult” kind of film, it's not even "L:aw & Order" like Andor, but still, it's got a little bit of weight. After all, the Mandlorian does kill a lot of people, and not all droids and aliens. Plus, I was a intrigued by its very light touching on themes of looming mortality, of the end of eras, of passing the torch, which was kind of bold, because endings are hard things, especially in this world on eternal franchises and Zoomers who fear change and strife in their fiction. I'm not claiming it was deep by any means, and admittedly, it’s definitely muddled as to what exactly the film is trying to say about the topic, but it kind of seemed like the film was making some intial signals of the coming end to Pascal’s tenure as the titular Mandalorian. I don't know if I'd state firmly that's what they were doing, after all, if there’s one thing corporations like Disney aren’t interested in when it comes to their money-making IPs, it’s turning off the money-spigot.

But that said… it definitely seemed like it.

I doubt they'll beat the Mandalorian to death on the floor any time soon, like they did in the Last of Us, but an ending on the horizon is the whole point of a scene where Grogu has a tentative turn at the wheel, right? Both in that extended solo sequence in the film, and in the film’s denouement, where Mando starts teaching Grogu how to fly the Razor Crest, what that means is the son will soon pass the father. The question is, would they actually try to do this show with just Grogu? With the same tone? Maybe this is how they reveal the mystery of Grogu and Yoda's species, when Grogu "travels home to find himself"?

I’m both intrigued and not intrigued, actually…

Also, I have to admit that I really love the plethora of aliens and droids that show up in the series. Yes, the various aliens have a tendency to be a little more goofy, and the droids are mostly there because it’s less problematic to have the hero gun down a bunch of robots than a bunch of living creatures, even those in alien make-up. As a sidenote, one of the many sins of the film Solo was the way it fumbled its attempted “droids are sentient and an oppressed minority” storyline. All it did as a result was to make every use of droids ever since then feel vaguely creepy. Also, I’ll never not be mad that Solo was bad. It was so close to being good, or at least fun. The trailer looked so good, but then the usual C-suite dickheads behind the scene started meddling in things, putting their sausage-like uncreative douchebag bro fingers into creative endeavours and tanked the whole thing... Alas...

Anyway, the way The Mandalorian uses aliens and droids just feels more like “Star Wars” to me. As much as I love stuff like Andor and Rogue One, and I really do love them, that was the main thing missing from those "Law & Order" kind of Star Wars… there were just too many humans.

Finally, maybe the coolest part…

Phil Tippett, legendary animator, visual effects supervisor, puppeteer, producer, and filmmaker is responsible for the giant robot fight scene in this film, and it is all stop-motion puppetry, and it’s fantastic. Just a joy to watch.

Loved it.

Inspired by the great Ray Harryhausen’s work in The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, Tippett’s work has appeared in the original Star Wars trilogy, and Jurassic Park, and Robocop, and on and on and on, up to and including his long-awaited stop-motion film Mad God, which was released in 2021. Mad God is a true cinematic experience, and when you hear that the project reportedly caused him a nervous breakdown, resulting in him being briefly committed to a psychiatrist hospital, you can believe it.

He has since recovered, and I hope he has found some balance and joy.

Either way, I guess, he has returned to ILM roots, and the result is a treat, and it really puts a lot of the rest of the effects to shame. Especially Grogu’s hands. They are just not good. You’d think there would have been a more concerted effort to make them look like hands that actually worked, and could actually pick things up, at least when they’re doing close-up of those hands doing things, but nope…

But I guess that’s Star Wars in a nutshell, right? Moments of greatness surrounded by disappointing mediocrity.

So, my theory when it comes to art—whether paintings, sculptures, films, books, comics, what have you—is that only 10% of it is actually great. That 10% is truly amazing, it’s transcendent, it touches you, it makes you question things, it opens doors in your head, and introduces you to whole new worlds. It changes the very way you think and feel. It moves the zeitgeist of society. And on the opposite end, only 10% of it is truly terrible. That 10% is bad, it’s awful, it’s harmful to the world, toxic and mean and wrong, something stupid, ugly, and terrible that was made by stupid, ugly, and terrible people, specifically to satisfy the vile pleasures of stupid, ugly, and terrible people. The rest of it, that big 80% chunk of it, is on a spectrum of a vague “meh” with a grimace, a nod, and a shrug… to an “eh” with a smile, a nod, and a shrug, like "not good" but said in a glum way, to "not bad" but when you say it, it's like you're doing an impression of Robert DeNiro. And that's how I look at most of this stuff, the majority of it is simply… okay. It’s fine. Nothing to get to bent out of shape over, or that's worth raving about.

And the fact is, Dave Filoni’s myriad Star Wars stories all mostly fall smack dab in the middle of that spectrum. It’s mostly mediocre, sometimes eye-rolling so, other times pretty enjoyable, but at best, his stuff is... good, not great. Like how I felt like the last three episodes of Clone Wars s7, the arc where Ahsoka runs into Order 66, and has to fight to survive, actually made the Prequeals better. But the rest of the Clone Wars cartoon, I could take it or leave it. It's fine.

This is how it’s always been.

But unfortunately, Star Wars as a franchise that has this PLACE in culture.

Because of what it is, and what it started, it’s this monolithic presence, a massive institution, especially now that it's an arm of Disney, it’s this juggernaut of pop culture. Because of that, some people fucking hate it, and will never budge on it being the source of all things evil and shitty. Others have outgrown the love they once had for the franchise, but because it no longer makes them feel the way it used to make them feel when they were but piss-pants babies, they hate it. Then there's the sadly ever-present bigots and misogynists who seethe whenever girls and POC are “allowed” to have opinions about stuff that they think they own, even though they have no legitimate claim of any kind, so their entire lives are devoted to raging online, an army of ugly little trolls with no real world value, spitting and red-faced, with the worst fucking facial hair, absolutely apoplectic and hyperbolic, due to their raging misogyny and general bigotry. Still others just don’t like it, it’s not their thing, whether it’s the franchise itself, or the entire sci-fi genre, or genre stuff in general, they just don't like it, and yet... they won’t admit this, they won’t walk away, they just can't stand the thought of "missing out." It's so pathetic. But then, even worse, there's these fuckers so afraid of "missing out" that they'll watch this stuff on 2x speed—which is so fucking terrible, so fucking anti-art, I can barely even fucking stand it—but yeah, they'll watch this shit on 2x speed, because they just can't not "participate" in the discourse, which is insane to me. These fuckers think they get to have an opinion? Motherfucker, you just sprinted through the museum and now you want to opine on the collection? Fuck you. If you aren’t willing to engage with the art, then your FOMO-bitch ass doesn’t get to join in the discussion about the state of it. Your opinion isn’t valid when your starting point is: “this thing isn’t worth my time and I only did it out of a weirdly self-imposed obligation."

This kind of shit shouldn't even need to be said, but then... that's the thing with fandom, it's a reliably decent herald for the problems with our society, and these circles are a place where curelty, where entitlement, where misogyny and bigotry and all the worst kind of assholes thrive, and all for the dumbest fucking reasons too. Shit like Star Wars, or video games, or Youtube cartoons. Look up the mess known as Gamergate some time, that shit was a dress rehersal for MAGA nazis. Some of those fuckers work in the White House right now.

But what're you gonna do?

Anyway, my point is, all these people who are acting like The Mandalorian and Grogu is the worst thing ever are either performative weirdos, or critics you can’t trust because their gauge for quality is either broken, or it's so completely different from yours that it might as well be in a different language. Conversely, anyone who is calling this film a return to form, or a herald of a new era, are sycophants and dupes who need to develop more discerning tastes. Pop culture discourse is often as polarized as politics in this country, and often for the same reasons, so it’s hard to get a real read on the quality of things if you’re not regularly immersed in these worlds yourself, and even then, the truth is, most of these people‘s opinions aren't worth listening to. Maybe that even includes me. Fine. That's fair. Either way, the nuances are annoying and terrible and just ... weird, and are not worth your time, but it all still leaks into the real world, and everything is now a whirling cacphony of "hot takes" and "clickbait," so everyone thinks they have to have a take, and it’s all got to be binary, so it's becoming harder and harder for people to walk out of these big franchise films and admit that... it was fine.

Because that’s what The Mandalorian and Grogu is… it was fine.

And hearing that might mean that it sounds like it's not worth your time, and that's perfectly understandable. It probably isn't. You shouldn't go see it if you're hesitating at all. In fact, I encourage you to bow out of these pop culture things that don't interest you, because the world will become a better place if all of the bored assholes out there went and found something else that they'd rather be doing.

But not to imply that the mediocre-ness of this film is your fault either. It's mostly due to rich (probably mostly white) guys and their greed. According to stories, this film was originally supposed to be season four of The Mandalorian, but due to the 2023 Hollywood labor disputes, it was delayed. During this time, some studio executives decided it should become a film. Why? Because they're dumb, greedy assholes.

I believe this is exactly what happened too, because the main problem with this film is that it’s a non-event. Not only does nothing of note–nothing that involves any kind of “larger” narrative stakes–happen during this film, but it’s building off of season three of the show, which ended at the end of a large storyline, and only hinted at the new direction for the next storyline, which is the main idea behind this film… Mando working for the New Republic to hunt down ex-Imperials.

There’s no cliffhanger, there’s no unresolved questions, there’s no pending doom coming down the line, no new threat or new bad guy introduced, there’s nothing the story was aiming for, there’s no promised big pay-off that has been earned over the course of a long narrative build-up… nothing. It’s just another day in the life of The Mandalorian and Grogu. That doesn’t mean it's bad, or not entertaining, but it is NOT an event, which makes it clear that the only reason this film exists is due to greedy executives who only understand the immediate reward of Box Office cash, and they can't see that shit in the same way when it comes tv, especially when we're talking about streaming.

This is why mega-franchises like Star Wars are floundering.

People go to blockbusters because of buzz, because of spectacle, because of brand awareness, and for the completion of the story, and the shared experience of seeing that in a big excited crowd. But other than the basic brand presence in society, Star Wars has none of that going for it right now. None. And without any of that, there’s nothing here that would make this a “blockbuster" film.

Despite this, a "blockbuster" was clearly the expectation of the Studio Execs, and for no other reason than... it’s “Star Wars.“ Instead of putting in the kind of work that will get butts in seats, they were obviously just relying on blind loyalty to the brand. This line of thought is so ridiculously out-of-touch, so flatly irresponsible with the brand, that it should result in studio heads being fired and sued.

And yet, here we are, with a film with a reported budget of around 165 million. According to the old accepted wisdom, a movie needs to make double its budget before any money can be counted as profit, and with only 3 weekends in release, The Mandalorian and Grogu has only made 294 million (“only”), and it’s already showing signs of slowing down. It will be profitable, sure, but only just so, and in terms of the franchise, that means it's a failure, but again… this is an unreasonable expectation, because there’s absolutely no reason beyond delusion and greed to expect otherwise. This is how you get the “Star Wars fails at the box office, because the brand is dying” kind of discourse, and the problem with that is that kind of talk can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But even worse, I think this was the best card the franchise had to play at this moment. This was their best chance at the brass ring at this moment, and it missed.

So where does Star Wars go from here?

Honestly, I don’t know.

Unfortunately, because of the Skywalker Saga, Star Wars has written itself into a box. The Prequels are terrible films, but that milk has been spilled, and the same is true about the Sequel Trilogy. The milk has been spilled. Those big stories are done and over. They have defined the parameters of the franchise, and now they’re caps on what you can do within the boundaries of "The Story," acting as bookends blocking both ends, and keeping things from growing.

This means that any stories set in during the height of the Jedi era, before the Prequels, is screwed because no matter what the Jedi will now always look either stupid or evil, because we all know where the story of the Jedi are heading. And this would be true even if the whole Height of the Jedi era wasn’t a boring niche non-starter. Meanwhile, the height of the Empire is fertile storytelling ground, as is the era immediately after the Fall of the Empire, but the problem here is that the height of the empire only has a few years before it inevitably leads into the story of the rebellion, and that story has been told by the Original Trilogy, Rogue One, and Andor. Meanwhile, anything set post the Fall of the Empire also only has a couple of years before it inevitably leads into the Sequel Trilogy, which was all a huge mistake, even if Last Jedi was brilliant.

At this point, the problem with Star Wars is as undeniable as it is insurmountable, and it's that a bunch of bad decisions were made too long ago to change, and now those chains are wrapped to tightly around the franchise’s feet, and they're dragging it down into the dark depths beneath the surface to drown.

And even worse, at this point, both of the open time periods, these stretches of fertile narratives ground, the height of the Empire and post Fall of the Empire, are already cluttered with mistakes and victories. As I said, the Mandalorian is mostly pretty great. Andor is brilliant. Skeleton Crew was fun, as was The Bad Batch, and Maul: Shadow Lord. Book of Boba Fett had potential, but it was hampered by its Goonies-like tone, akin to Skeleton Crew, when it should’ve had more of a tone like Andor. Kenobi was a surprisingly decent idea that was ruined by some of the worst directing I’ve ever seen. And Ahsoka started out kind of weird, but it ended really fun, at least I thought so. The problem is, there just isn’t as much open space to tell a good story as there used to be, and now any new stories have to be careful that they're not just trodding already covered ground.

Which means that, at least right now, at this moment, it's not possible to make Star Wars relevant or popular again, maybe not in tv, but definitely not in theatres. At least, not in a "snap your fingers" quick fix kinda way.

This is because…

1. The theatre system is irrevocably broken. It‘s generally just a poor experience, mostly because of the audience, but also because the presentation is usually an afterthought, the facilities are often filthy (never take your shoes off, dummy, those floors have never been cleaned), plus it costs too much, and that rise in cost is in no way apparent in the experience. The bottom line is that there are very few films truly worth seeing with a crowd anymore, and as a result, it is no longer the cut-and-dried easy-to-see answer to being better than streaming.
2. Star Wars has nothing worth seeing on the big screen right now. The shithead Studio Execs want an event, they want excitement, because that means money, but they’ve done nothing to earn that. Simply put, Star Wars needs to Infinity Saga themselves, but doing that takes time, it takes patience, it takes characters we like, and a story we're invested in. In short, it takes quality work. You can't force love, loyalty, and excitement, you have to build it. If Disney wants to save Star Wars, they need to start over, and they need to start over small, and it's got to be done with the writing, which might take time, and all of that stuff–all of it–the douchebag money bros fucking hate, because they want an EVENT, and they want it right fucking now. And then, you add to that crap pile the fact that these same fucking assholes are all trying to use AI–which not only makes you stupid when you use it, but only turns out trash–to replace all the real writers and artists, who they hate having to pay money to, and I just don't know what to tell, ya' folks, but it's all looking real bleak out there. Real bleak.
3. Finally, Star Wars needs to move away from the Skywalker Saga. They won’t, because to the Studio, that’s an irrevocably entangled piece of the IP. Focusing on a different story and unrelated characters means taking a risk, and risks are a big fat no-no. In the land of the Studio Executive, you don’t do the work to breed your Golden Goose, and raise the hatchlings, so that you might someday have a new and fresher and younger goose laying golden eggs, no, no, no. You beat the old goose to death, and when it's all tapped out, you fry up the pieces and sell them for a fortune. Then you find someone else with a Golden Goose, you kill them, you take their Golden Goose for your own, and start the whole terrible process all over again, until one day you're beating that new goose to death. Repeat ad nauseum. And when the gooses are all gone, it’s the fault of the new generation and their phones.

So, I don’t know. Star Wars may be dead. That’s probably fine though, right? It's time, right? Time for a new galaxy a long time ago and far, far away, right? There’s always new space operas and pulpy adventures. I hear the new He-Man is actually pretty fun. Maybe I’ll go check it out, that is... if it plays down the street.

Anyway, in the end, The Mandalorian and Grogu is fine. It’s fine. It's not bad. It’s not great. It's fun. But yeah, it should’ve just been a tv show.